Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter 2 – A Deal with a Goddess
I stayed still and silent when the police entered my home. Tears streamed from my eyes. Edris talked to them; told them what happened. I stay shocked, on the couch, staring at the wall.
Someone came and snatched my child. My innocent, four-year-old son. I glance at the police officer to my right, who was taking pictures of where Malakai last sat at the dinner table. He took pictures of the front door a few minutes ago.
I stand, and Edris pauses his conversation with an officer to place a hand on my shoulder. It sends chills down my spine, and I shiver, as I start walking upstairs. The floorboards creak as I step. One foot after the other, I somehow make it to my room and lock myself in.
My room is average sized, dark, and cozy. Purple lights are spread across the edges of the ceiling; crystals, tarot cards, intention candles, and magic money lay on my altar, in the darkest corner of the room. Edris never sleeps in here anymore, so I made it my own. I stand there, in the middle of the room, thinking:
Who would do this? This doesn’t seem right. If someone wanted to hurt me, they could, without involving my family.
I’m a witch. I’m a powerful, feared witch. I could find him, couldn’t I? Should I call around? Maybe the neighbors saw something?
But, even if they did, what do I say? Maybe there’s a spell—
Then it dawns on me.
Highschool.
It wasn’t someone, but something, that snatched Malachi. I'm paying my dues for a spell I did when I was young. My head snaps to my nightstand. I start digging through the numerous textbooks, magic manuals, spell books, and tax receipts to find my old journal. The cover is torn, worn out, and dusty. I blow the dust off with one smooth whoosh of oxygen and run my thumb along the rigid edges of the pages. This is my childhood—this journal; and I haven’t looked at it since twelfth grade. I could slightly hear muffled yelling from downstairs. Edris has now gotten frustrated with the police, and I don’t blame him. In situations like this, when dark magick is involved, they can’t help us.
Only the one who caused it can.
I sit on my bed, my brown, long hair partially covering my wet face. I slowly open the first page, and start scanning until I find the entry from that day:
October 3rd, 2004,
I did it today. I asked mother to teach me the spell.
She did, although she hesitated. She didn’t want me to learn it, but of course I spun it with a ‘just in case’ scenario. I brought him back, and I don’t regret it.
When I saw it come from the cards, I was startled, but I wasn’t scared. I could tell it-- she, didn’t want to hurt me. Weirdly enough, I wanted to tell it all my secrets. I didn’t read anywhere that it—she—or whatever she was, had that effect on people.
I told her I could give her whatever she wanted, and she agreed. She brought Keenan back, and it was worth it. Today he took me to the library. We read about Shakespeare, and he taught me more spells than my mom could ever teach me. It’s like when he died, he came back smarter, faster—almost immortal. But he’s back. Not the same, but alive.
I closed the book quickly, the images of the murder popping back into my brain. Keenan, my older brother, was murdered in broad daylight by a dark witch. Dark witches practice dark magick, and he fell in love with one. She killed him nearly a year into their short relationship. That killed me. It made me mad, infuriated me. When she disappeared, I searched for her, even going as far as Staten Island, and still no luck.
My only solution was to make a deal with Hecate herself. And I did. I met Hecate. I saw her face, felt her energy, and promised her a life in return. When I was sixteen. I assumed she was going to take mine, but she never did. I went along with my life after that, thinking she spared me. But she didn’t. Now she wants to redeem her part of the bargain, with my son.
I haven’t heard from Keenan since he found out what I did. He was a wiser, older witch and he was more educated than I was on dark magick. He warned me never to use it, but I didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t leave me. And yet he still did, not spiritually, but physically. I can still feel his magic sometimes, lingering through my veins and into my blood. I don't know where he went after our argument. I'm guessing he started a whole new life-- without me in it.
I need to find him. I need him now, more then ever. And I don’t even know where to start.
Edris tries the door handle.
“Minerva,” He sighed, his voice more soothing than usual, “What are you doing?” His voice lingered, muffled, through the door.
I stand, walking to it, and unlock it slowly. I open it to face him, his face wet with tears as well.
“Finding our son. Lets go," I spat.
I brush past him and grab my coat from the storage closet in the hallway. He doesn’t move, and just stares at me, “What? Are you a detective now?”
“No, jackass,” I muttered as I walk down the stairs, at a faster pace then when I went up, “Are you still close with that tarot reader down the street? The old bitch with the sad face?”
“Yes, but—”
“Great,” I grab the car keys, “You’re driving.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hello Leya! I hope you're having a good day/night.
I feel like this scene could use a little bit more description. Everyone would react differently in this situation, and Minerva seems to be going towards the "numb" route in my opinion. Even then, I think some more description into the shock she's feeling could bring he reader into the story more and we can really feel what she's feeling.
It's quite interesting that Minerva is able to know right away what happened to her son. I suppose it can be easy to know if any of your enemies did this action if you hardly have any (as we know of right now of course), but there's always the possibility that it was some random occurrence with a stranger. It seems odd that she's jumping to immediately assume this conclusion.
This has me excited for some more Minerva and Edris interactions! They obviously don't seem to be the biggest fans of each other, but I can respect that they're willing to put that aside for their son. Maybe they might get closer through all of this...or maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself.
Overall, this was a great follow-up to the first chapter. You kept the same tense, quick to the point narration style as the last chapter, and I applaud you for staying consistent in that regard. I am curious for when Sybil will make her first appearance and what she can offer in the search for her brother. The backstory we were given for Minerva was super cool as well; I hope to see Keenan in later chapters, as just one off mentioning him seems a waste.
Happy writing!
Hello hello I'm back for another autumnal hit from this story!
I like that you've kept with the consistent style of being quite blunt and shocking the reader. I stand with my comment on the last chapter that I think it needs to be clearer what's happened, or at least make it clear there's a reason for Minerva to be panicking.
I like the description but the tone feels too calm considering how frantic she's feeling.
I feel like we've got to this too quickly. I think there needs to be more of a build up and a few different options before we reach this conclusion. I do like the backstory, and I think it adds a really interesting layer to the story. I just think it would maybe fit further on in the story.
I also like the dynamic between the new characters so I'm interested to see how that plays out. It's a lot of characters to be introduced to, so I'm looking forward to meeting them all.
A small note, but I was expecting mention of their daughter here. Wouldn't they have called her?
Interested to see where this goes!
Icy
Minvera made a deal with Hecate and thought that she would get away with it? Heck no! Now Malachi is in trouble. At least Sybil is safe…for now. There are still other chapters to read.
I like the description of Minvera’s room, it has very good vibes.
I have enjoyed reading this chapter and I will read the next one.
I hope that you will have a wonderful and amazing day/night.
Trick or Write, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this eerie story. 🤡!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my haunting magic! 🎃
The up-to-no-good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the fang-tastic parts that are really witch-approved!
This is a very nice story to read. Personally I am a big fan of magic and things like Harry Potter or The Winx Saga so this was a great read. I loved it from start to finish.
This is just the beginning but it is already interesting. I love the references to ancient magic and still elements of the world. Great dialogue, you really make me laugh.
Amazing titles and cool names for your characters. I think it would be a good idea to add subtitles for each chapter. Great idea, amazing story. Can't wait to read more.
Trick or Write:🎭
I have the feeling that you can put a little more emotion into this scene. For example, make her eyes red and swollen, that will tell the reader that she has been crying a lot. Also try to add some more emotion and vivid descriptions to the scene.
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Over here you have a little typo with the tenses.
Before
After
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Before
After
Spooktastic!👻
The ending is my favourite part, the humour is just master class. I know it should be a sensitive scene because she just lost her son, but still. It is just so great.
Overall scream-worthy:
This is a very nice concept you have here, amazing characters along with great dialogue. I would definitely recommend you to continue this story if that is your wish. I will be back for another chapter.
Be sure to Check or Treat out…📔🦇
These are two amazing stories, also full of magic, from which you can draw inspiration - you will be surprised when you take a look.
Purple Stones - Prologue by @LuminescentAnt &
Prologue - The Passion Forest by @CarrotWrites
Have a boo-tiful day or night further! Keep writing! You are spook-takular!
Back for Round Two!
Just a quick note again about tense, and I won't being it up again. We've got past where it should be and present where it should be until Edris knocks on the door at the end and it goes back to past tense in the present. This chapter seemed as if you're definitely going for a present tense. As for the chapter itself:
1. I would have liked more from the transition period between chapters 1 and 2. Minerva is a big bad witch but a door slamming in her face is all it took to kidnap her child? She doesn't seem like the lie down and die person but this kind of felt like when a bad guy runs out of a room and that's just where the chase ends
2. I said all that because my second thought us thar seeing Hecate would have been a much stronger emotional draw than a high school journal. You probably would have had to trim down some of the info dump, but I think an argument between Hecate and Minerva would've been able to convey Keenan's history and the deal that Minerva made. As it is, we get a long bit of exposition rather than seeing any of it.
3. Why do they not sleep together? It seemed as if Edris is playing oblivious to the cheating, but they seem to already be separated at the same time. Not a big deal but it seemed odd.
4. I do like the dynamic between Keenan, Minerva and Hecate. I also think that twisting the "I'll take a life" if great, and something that a witch or whatever Hecate really is, would do, just for the sake of cruelty.
5. I'm hoping we get to see some witchy stuff next chapte,, because it seems to be a huge part of this story and we haven't seen anything yet ^-^
~ Messy