Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter 1 - Reality
It’s unlike me to eat tomatoes. I hate the taste; they’re too tart, and they make my tongue hurt. Yet, here I am, sitting at the dinner table with my husband eating tomato and goat cheese casserole. My four-year-old sits to the left of me, picking at his chicken nuggets and watching his iPad. I never understood why this generation uses technology like they can’t live without it.
The sour and acidic juices from the tomatoes linger in my mouth, causing me to scrunch my eyebrows and set down my fork.
“How was work?” I questioned my husband, who I knew had been cheating on me for at least six months. I stay quiet, because he pays the bills, and I don’t have many other options. Edris has always been busy, and he always claims it’s ‘business trips’. Sometimes I think he knows that I know.
This is a small town. Salem is beautiful, the seasons change around this time of year. The city is filled with tourists and travelers looking to get a tarot reading; or buy $50 worth of fake crystals from the spiritual shop down the street. Halloween here is like Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
He glances up from his food and makes eye contact with me, his blue eyes setting on mine as he spoke, “It was alright.”
It was alright. That’s his answer almost every day. It was alright.
“My day was eventful,” I started, “Malachi decided he wanted to paint on my purse. Not only did he ruin my new Coach, but he also claimed his sister told him to do it.”
“Where is Sybil?” Edris asked, his weight slowly shifting to his left, “I thought she didn’t have soccer for another five months.”
“She doesn’t,” I countered, “She’s at a friends.”
Sybil is my rebellious teenager; she craves attention and loves it when people give it to her. I don’t blame her, she’s beautiful, and one of her best qualities is that she resembles my mother. Those light brown eyes, her blonde hair, and fair skin—her cheekbones are raised just enough to where her face is perfectly defined. I always loathed that she resembled my idol more than I did.
“I thought we agreed on school nights she was to stay at home, Minerva,” Edris glares at me, “You tend to always fall for her little tricks.”
“There is no such thing,” I stared at him, fixing my posture in my seat and placing my napkin on the now half-empty plate in front of me, “She is seventeen, Edris. She needs freedom, or she will end up rebelling even more in college. She needs space. And the ‘tricks’ you always rant about, are nothing; but a young witch finding her place in this fucked up world.”
Edris’ mouth slowly shuts, and he looks back down at his plate as he finishes the rest of his dinner. He gets up without a word and walks into the kitchen.
There’s not one day where he doesn’t get into this mood. He chose this life, to have kids and get married; yet he still denies that’s what he wanted. I remember when we were young, I was learning how to strengthen my magic and he was delusional and handsome. He fell in love with how I was in bed, not my brain, and I think that’s where the mistake lied when I said yes to marrying him 10 years ago. We had Sybil when were in high school, and I think that was enough for his mother to force him to put a ring on my finger. But I know deep down, he loves me for me. I refuse to believe anything else.
I sigh and glance at Malachi, standing up and grabbing his plate. He never finishes it, but I was always dieting growing up, per my mother’s request, and I don’t want my children to feel like they’re limited on food. I re-adjust his iPad and start walking toward the kitchen.
“I have a class to teach at the college tomorrow,” I say lightly as I join Edris, his strong hands gripping a dirty dish in the sink. He starts scrubbing and scrubbing, his face emotionless as I spoke, “Would you be able to watch Malachi while I’m away? It will be at most four hours.”
He pauses and looks at me, studying me. After a few seconds of contemplating, he continues scrubbing, “No problem.”
I nodded. A man of few words is what he is. We rarely communicate anymore, and I’m not sure if the spark is still there. I dig deep in my heart hoping my eyes will show any sign.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss how you were.
But it seems like he’s already gone, and as I walk from the room, Malachi is no longer in the highchair. His iPad is tipped over, and the front door is wide open. My heart drops, and I scramble towards it. As I reach the foyer, the door slams in my face.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello Leya! I hope you're having a good day/night.
I hate to sound like a broken record here, but definitely make sure to watch out for switching tenses. This can be a problem for me too, and I have to read over my works a few times to catch it all; it can slip through cracks for sure! For example...
The switch from past tense to present tense can throw off readers who pay close attention to that kind of stuff, though, of course, being consistent is something to always strive for, regardless of if it's picked up on or not.
Minerva and Edris are both characters who fascinate me quite a bit. How you wrote their parenting styles adds more depth to their character, I think. Minerva complaining that her four-year-old is addicted to the iPad even though she can take it away and apply discipline, just chooses not to, and Edris knowing his daughter enough to memorize her sport schedule yet takes forever to ask about her whereabouts makes them appear more conflicting and kind of hypocritical. Of course, don't take this as a complaint from me; I personally think it makes them more interesting and it makes me want to learn more about them!
All in all, this was a very engaging first chapter that has me hooked. It was straight to the point and set up the story's conflict, and our main characters make it even more interesting. The cliffhanger has left me antsy as I write this review because I want to know more right away! Keep on chugging through, just make sure to keep an eye out for tenses
Hey Leya! I noticed there are a couple of chapters of this in the Green Room and seeing as we're not too far through the novel yet I thought I would pop back to the start and read/review the first chapters too. I'm also a sucker for cosy autumn vibes with a sprinkle of magic, so I wasn't a difficult sell xD
Let's get into the review!
This is an odd observation for a four year old. He's not yet really old enough to think he can't live without technology, is he? And as his mother, isn't it on her (at least at this young age) to stop him having access to the iPad when eating dinner?
Watch your tenses here. I like the idea of making the statement about him cheating so matter-of-factly because it gives us a really good insight into Minerva as a character. That impact is lost a bit though when the tenses get confusing.
This is conflicting for me. He doesn't notice his daughter isn't there or doesn't think to ask about her until now, but he knows the exact number of months before her sports schedule starts up?
10 here should be ten, to be consistent with how you've been writing other numbers in this chapter.
This is a great cliffhanger, but it happened a bit too quickly for me to follow. Why is the front door even open? I think there needs to be a bit more here, because it just seems too convenient to be coincidental right now.
I already like our main character, and the setting and situation you've described! I'm definitely interested to see how you're going to incorporate the magic here as it seems like a pretty everyday thing.
That's all for this chapter, I'll catch the others soon!
Hope this was helpful,
Icy
I love the vibes of this story, it’s very magical. :> I like that it takes place in Salem, Massachusetts. I went there at the end of August and now it’s one of my favorite places on Earth!
It seems like Minvera is in an unfavorable situation with Edris and her home life. Something tells me that things are going to change for her and her family. For the good or bad, I do not yet know.
I wish you a beautiful day/night.
Happy Review Day fellow Pumkin! It seems that Minerva would get straight to the point, so I will as well. Let's check out a few things.
1. Tense - not only is the scene tense, but your writing tense flip flops between present and past. As I always say, I'm fine with either one, but make sure you pick one and stick to it.
2. Minerva - from her POV she comes across as very direct. There's no mystery about the alleged affair. She also seems as if she has no options, but given that she has a brand new Coach purse there's an interesting discussion to be had about if she is truly most concerned with fixing the relationship, or if she's using that as an excuse to stay living a more lavish lifestyle instead of making a go of it on her own.
3. It seems that magic is pretty straightforward and well known here, which is always an interesting idea with modern settings. It always begs the question though, of when magic cake to be, and how it influenced society and technology. If it's been around for a while I would expect to see a modern world that looks very different from ours, depending on what sort of magic you have in place.
4. I'm a bit confused on why Minerva is eating the food she doesn't like, and letting their son use the iPad she doesn't think he needs, if Edris is as distant and uninvolved as he's coming across. Does she not make dinner and do the majority of raising him?
5. All that being said, there are a ton of questions that come from this first chapter. Did a magic door shut in her face? Is Edris cheating? What exactly is a witch in this world? So on and so forth. Hope this helps!
.~ Messy
I can't describe in words how much I love this, I can't wait to go into the story more, the setup, descriptions, and everything are just amazing. and I love the description of the relationship of Minerva and Edris'. This is so good, I can not wait until the next chapter. Keep up the good work, love this! Also thank you for your reply on my story chapter it means so much. I see what you mean by the setup and I will be sure to do it like this, I see it much better than mine, and much easier to read! Thank you! and I will be sure to stick around for the next chapter!
No problem! And thank you for the review
Chapter 2 is out now
Hey there!
I can't really describe how much I liked this.
It feels like I now know each character at least a bit and I can imagine how they would act in other situations (I hope you understand what I'm trying to say). You characterized them fantastically.
And the tone you set for this story! I am already excited for the next chapters.
I hope you have a nice day/night!
Thank you so much! I appreciate it.
I tried to really capture the problems in Minerva and Edris' relationship, as well as explain a little bit of background. I hope it wasn't too overwhelming. The next chapter is coming in a few.
Thank you for reviewing!