The bottle in front of his eyes is empty. He knows it mustn’t be. His hands tremble as he reaches for the bottle. Old age has posed a submissive victory upon him. His mind wanders off to the palmy bygone days that swiftly flowed by. The bottle is the final symbol. It keeps him informed of time. Sometimes you must try to understand the cryptic existence of things that rings us. He knows it now. Emptiness will take him back to his existence. It is not possible, he understands it. So, defying his fragility of his winter he gets up and walks to the kitchen. He knows he has to. The cap is opened and water runs through the tap. The bottle gets filled. But there is an evasiveness that is played out. Mortal wishes are sometimes futile. The bottle is half filled and then the cap is put on. He gives a feigning smile and then wearily makes his way to his bed.
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127,150 Literary Works • 672,942 Reviews
This is a very beautiful, very well written piece! It's short and sweet, and quick to the point: just my style!
The only thing that I can suggest is for you is to break this paragraph into several to make the story last.
Hello there! Just a little review:
I really like the first 4 sentences; I think they fit well and set up this story nicely.
However, I'm having a tough time seeing what the meaning of this bottle is. At first I thought it may have been a story about alcoholism, but no. I'm not really sure of the metaphor/symbolism that is being used here. Or is it simply what it is: a story about the bottle?
Also, I feel it was a bit choppy at times. Maybe find a way to smooth it out and make the sentences flow a little better?
Great potential in this story! Keep working at it!
Hello there, just a few words about this piece for you.
First off, I'm still reading this over and over, trying to figure out what the bottle means - the metaphor behind it, or if you are truly writing about a bottle. But the first thing that annoyed me about this work is your sentence openers. A general rule I go by is not using the same starter in a paragraph unless you really have to. Using 'his' so many time ruins the flow and makes it more repetitive than something inspiring and beautiful. Maybe try synonyms for it? 'The man', maybe? Or even describing him would work; 'Bleary-eyed, his...'
I don't know if your work was also meant to be a single paragraph, but from a first look, it seems chunky and slightly boring; without reading a word and looking at the structure. I would say that a good place to start the new paragraph would be right after 'he knows it now', just as you expand your point; it'll make it more aesthetically pleasing as well as easier to read.
Otherwise, I think this is a really good piece and I think there would be a lot of potential in it; expanding and making a metaphor out of the bottle and writing a full short story. Keep going!
This was really good. I echo everything the review below said. My only real complaint is that I think it could've benefited from a paragraph break or two, so that it's easier to read if nothing else, but since it was pretty short that's not a huge deal. Otherwise, nice work!
Good story, poem.
The cap is opened and water runs through the tap. The bottle gets filled. But there is an evasiveness that is played out. Mortal wishes are sometimes futile. The bottle is half filled and then the cap is put on. He gives a feigning smile and then wearily makes his way to his bed.
- This is good. I like this paragraph alot.
Great job on all of this! Good words, and pictures it gives.