The paper in front of your eyes seems suitable enough to be brought under your supervision and painful scrutiny. For, in collaboration with the weather outside, you have entered into a profitable deal with it on writing about a topic. The topic is something abstruse. You gloomily stare into the outside world for some respite from the activity. Nothing seems to come to your mind. You feel you have the words, but it's mere delusion (you realise at last!). Painstakingly you draw your eyes from one corner of the room to the other; from the glass of water to the bottle that was filled, up to the brim with water just a minute ago; from the light flickering intermittently in your room to the bright light outside the window. All for just to get an inspiration. Finally you get an inspiration for it. You realise that it is something hard to describe. Pragmatic consideration holds no place to picturize it. It is something subjective that varies from man to man, and cannot depend upon the same set of description. Finally, you have got something to write about the topic. Your cheeks are swelling as your lips broadens. There is a spark in your eyes. You pick up the paper and have just completed writing the title that you fall upon despair. You retrospect your ideas and thoughts on the inexplicable and realise that it is the end! You are contradicting your own thoughts. You say it is something inexplicable and yet you intend to write something about it! You feel ashamed. you drop your pen and put the paper back. You withdraw into darkness. A light wind gently strikes the paper through the open window. The paper lies cold with a word on it. LIFE
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hiya Leo, here to review as requested!
I'll start off my review with what I liked about this piece and I think that that's mainly the idea behind it. I liked how throughout the whole piece we were given vague ideas about what it was you were actually talking about then reading the last line really hits you. Also I think you write in quite a poetic, and having only read your poetry in the past it really comes through here. I also liked the direct speaking (I'll talk about it's negatives later) but generally I think this is a really cool technique to use because it makes the reader feel as if you're talking to them -good job!
Here are my critiques:
-Don't get me wrong, I think you write really well however it was sometimes hard to keep focused during this piece because I didn't really have an idea as to what was actually happening. It's not as engaging as it could be, I think that's to do with a couple of reason. One is even though you appear to have a great vocabulary, other don't (or me, anyways) so don't feel afraid to use words which aren't that sophisticated. Another thing is the sentence structure/length. Although it's fairly varied, I still think there are quite a few long, wordy sentences.
As a first sentence this isn't very engaging, and more something you have to read over twice to understand. I suggest for your first sentence you write more of an introduction rather than jumping right it. You can of course still keep it mysterious that way, and also the readers might feel more hooked to read more.
-PARAGRAPHS- where are they? this has already been mentioned in previous reviews but I feel it needs to be said again. Paragraphing is so so important, especially with a piece like this because I think it also helps with keeping the reader engaged in what you're writing. I mean when you look at this it looks quite difficult, but if you broke it up into several paragraphs then I'm sure it would look much easier on the eye, and actually read better. This article I find is particularly helpful with this, which outlines when you can start a new paragraph.
- I thought this piece lacked a bit in vivid descriptions, because with this sort of writing that's more of what I was expecting. Perhaps more about how beautiful the ink is, or the crispness of the paper. Well those sound kind of odd, but I think you see what I mean. Basically just a few more lines of descriptions which really build up the scene more, putting more of an image into the readers head.
- The repetition of 'you' as I said before is really good, but too much of it and it starts to lose its effectiveness. I think too many of the sentences start with 'you' and in all honesty it just gets a bit distracting to read. So I'm not saying get rid of all of them, but perhaps reform some of your sentences so they don't start with you otherwise it gets a bit too repetitive.
Overall, I did enjoy reading this, you've got a really nice way of writing things but remember next time that to make it more engaging you might need to rephrase t a bit better. There is always the option of turning this into a poem, but I think this would work as prose but it just needs a bit of tweaking. Anyways, I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
Thank You
You have a way with words, no doubt about that. But you seem to have forgotten about paragraphs!-Dun dun duuuun- so how about you edit this and space it out a little.
Also, as clever as the concept you've come up with is, I feel it isn't quite interesting enough to keep readers fully engaged. Don't think I'm saying your piece sucks or anything! It doesn't! I just wasn't fully into it, but I could be if you add some things to it. Give it a bit more personality perhaps?
Well, anyway. Sweet idea, happy writing.
Legy.
Yo Leo.
All for just to get an inspiration.
Finally you get an inspiration for it.
LIFE
Big block of text is never good. First of all it's almost always formatted in correctly and it's just a plain eye sore to look at.
But that aside, a few nitpicks.
Spoiler
I think you see how odd that sounds.
Spoiler
Where's the suspeensseee?
Spoiler
Needs punctuation mark to end it and to stand out more.
Otherwise it's pretty well written, save for the formatting.
As for the content itself, it's a bit lacking. I feel as if this would be much better suited as a poem. The descriptions leave much to be expected and don't really bring out any feelings within the reader, or me, if it's just me, which it probably is.
That being said, it's quite wonderfully written. Your use of the english language is greatly done as mine is lacking, seeing as I can't find words to express the wonderful work of literary language you have show here. If that makes sense.
Okay I'm just babbling now. All you need is to flesh this out and format it. It will be golden then.
Cheers, keep up the good work and keep on writing.
And sorry for the terrible review.
Hi! Change here for a review!
First off, I like the title, good titles are definitely important.
I was not expecting second person. I commend you in your ability to write like this, as many authors (myself included) have never ventured into this style because it is difficult and people seem to be way more picky about it. Great bravery
I was under the impression that nothing has been written yet. The sentence after the first made me think that he/she was about to start writing and this sentence seems like he/she is almost reviewing someone else's work, if not their own already completed work. If he/she hasn't written yet then wouldn't the paper be blank and not worth scrutinizing? Maybe I misunderstood.
Very clever. And subtle. You've done a great job setting up the scene without have to directly tell us what is going on.
I think the sentence flows just slightly better with these word omissions.
You seem to be writing in a very lyrical style, and this may very well be part of that style, but the sentence reads awkwardly to me so I'm just going to suggest small changes that, or course, you do not have to take.
Saying "an inspiration" twice in a row disrupts the flow of the passage just a little so it might read better with a change.
Good line.
Should this possibly be "when?"
Wow. This piece was very thought provoking and certainly philosophical. I wasn't at all certain where it was headed but the end really tied everything together in a strong, cool way. Very true, what this is about, and it's one of those pieces you have to go back and read again because it all means something different the second time around when you know how it ends. I definitely got a tortured soul kind of vibe from it and I liked the drama that shone through the work. I could have used a little more imagery, but that's just me. Very well done.
Thank You
Hey, Leo, this is Kman134 and I'm here to say that I like this story. I can see the use of realism and strong vocabulary in each sentence and paragraph. It's a little descriptive, but I like it like that. There are some grammar error, though, but that's okay. It's very poetic and suspenseful. Although, I can't really tell the narrator's perspective on this. Hope you keep writing and please post more stories
Hey, Leo, this is Kman134 and I'm here to say that I like this story. I can see the use of realism and strong vocabulary in each sentence and paragraph. It's a little descriptive, but I like it like that. There are some grammar error, though, but that's okay. It's very poetic and suspenseful. Although, I can't really tell the narrator's perspective on this. Hope you keep writing and please post more stories
Hey Leo!
I hope it's okay to call you that. Anyway, I liked this - a lot. I absolutely loved the words you picked out and the feelings portrayed in this piece.
I see you put a lot of effort and thought into this piece and I admire that. I love work that is so carefully thought out and took a lot of effort to create. One could ask you any question about this short story and I'm sure you could answer with ease. Not all authors can do that, including myself sometimes. Ugh... I feel like I'm not making any sense at all.
Surely, all writers put a lot of effort into their work, but many are so anxious to actually write it that they don't plan out everything. So, I'll leave you with that to think about. I'll stop rambling about that now. :p
I just want to say one more thing, then we'll get on to the review.
This was my favorite part. I felt like I could really relate to this. I do this all the time. Good job!
~ However, the first sentence seems a bit long. Maybe the sentence could be separated into two? I think that the last part - 'to the bright light outside the window.' doesn't fit in too well. I just think that light was mentioned a little too much. Play around with it and see what you like best, without it being a super long sentence. Don't take out the nice imagery though!
~ 'as your lips broadens' sounds strange. It can be changed to:
1.) Your cheeks are swelling as your lips broaden.
2.) Your cheeks are swelling as your lip broadens.
I think the first one is better.
Lastly, there are no paragraphs! I love paragraphs. Paragraphs make a story so much easier to read, just as stanza do for poetry. Please incorporate at least some paragraphs. It was a little hard reading through the big chunk of words. It would definitely help!
Oh, and I forgot to say that I love the title! How come you didn't want to capitalize it? Just curious. Thanks for letting me know you posted this! It was a really great read. Happy writing!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Hey Leo this story is dramatic and very poetic like. A few of the lines hold a deeper context or meaning that I can't pin point. It sounds like the writer is having a block or is conflicted about something. I like it, but how is it a vary of he/she prospective?
the prospective for both are the same....no one(in general) can describe what is life...you will always find yourself contradicting your own thoughts and definition of life regardless of your sex......