O’ charming, so kindness intense
And captivates even a heart broken
In solemnity, and who art lone?
For, sincere tender; guileless manner
And euphoric thoughts, spread ever
Sleeps inside of darling eyes
In where, just O’ love, of beauteous beauty
And benign kindness, love lies…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Nice job here. I like the meaning, the title, and the way you have executed this poem. Lets get right into reviewing.
Firstly, you seem to have forgotten much of your punctuation at the end of the lines, you have done it well within the middle but you must not forgot the good old ones at the end. here I have inserted some of the missing punctuation. Some of the lines are running onto the next which is right, but I think some of the running on is a bit strange and I don't understand it.
For example:
I feel like the end of the line onto the next here is a bit odd. maybe you could clarify this.
Love lies? Do you mean a lie, as in not honest, or as in laying? If you mean the former, then that's not true.
This reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, because you used 'art,' and this makes. Absolutely. No. Sense. Only two words rhyme in this, too. Sorry if I have to be a sore thumb-- the good news from my critique is that you used big words!
lies means as in laying, not lying as you thought....and art here is the old english for "are"...thanks for your review anyway:-)
I'm not trying to be mean but the first thing I thought when I read the title was love is blind. It's a good poem and sounds so romantic, extravagant. It really is a romantic poem and from the looks of it you love talking about l.o.v.e! I've got nothing else to say so I'll read your other poems and comment but I'm very bad at it. > <
Poem 4 of 4!
Right, so let's just crack right on with this review, and as always let me start with what I liked about it. I hate to repeat myself, but it would make sense that in all your poems you use the same techniques, and the language is nice and fitting. Although I had to spend some time looking up some of those words, that's cool because at least I've learnt some new words now! And also, I totally agree with where you put all your commas this time, and there weren't any bits that ran on, so yay!
It seems you mention the word 'heart' a lot. I really must stop comparing your poems to your other poems because every one should stand alone, but it'd be nice to read something a bit different. I just think in general- not just with your work- that the word heart is used so so much, and it seems a rather poetic thing to talk about- so I say either put your own spin on it and make it really original or just don't bother using it and try something else. Because it's always nice for a change!
This poem I thought lacked quite a bit of imagery, and poems always fall a bit flat without imagery so I'd like to see some more please. I mean 'darling eyes' doesn't quite let me picture something as I'd like to so perhaps just sticking in a few adjectives here are there. That doesn't sound professional at all, but I'm really no expert on the subject, but I really believe that some more imagery would bring this piece up.
This kind of links to my final point which is it's not all that engaging to read. This might be to do with the imagery, or the subject. It's beautifully written, but I'm failing to see what the theme is again so it's not really leaving me very intrigued. I think you should try and make your messages a bit clearer next time so that the reader can relate to it more easily.
Overall though, this is good. I hope this review helped, please feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x