A room. Alice is standing in front of the mirror.
Alice: (sighing) Do I look beautiful?
No reply.
Alice: Adam, I asked you something. Will you please reply?
No reply.
Alice: Adam! (shouting) Do I look beautiful or not? [door opens]
Adam stumbles on his way in. Disturbs a chair placed beside Alice.
Alice: Oh! What happen? Are you all right?
Adam: Yes, everything's alright. Hope nothing is broken. (laughs)
Alice: What do you mean nothing is broken. Can't you see?
Adam: Oh! Yes I can. (Smiles) So, what my highness is up to?
Alice: Nothing, just standing in front of the mirror. Tonight we have a party to attend, remember?
Adam: Oh, Yes! I almost forgot. (smiles) So, are you ready?
Alice: Adam, can't you see? It is just daylight. [draws the curtain]
Alice: You see, (closing her eyes) the sunlight on my face?
Adam: Yes I do. (laughs) You are mad. So, what now?
Alice: Adam?
Adam: Yes. (smiles)
Alice: Do you love me?
Adam: Yes, I do. Why? (laughs)
Alice: Nothing, just asked. Am I beautiful?
Adam: (Adam sighs.) Yes, you are very beautiful.
Alice: Why, you don't sound happy. Am I not beautiful?
Adam: (laughs) What do you think? [fidgets]
Alice: You know I can't. Can't you see and tell?
Adam: What, you can't think? (laughs dryly)
Alice: Stop it! (pulling a long face) you don't love me, right?
Adam: Of course I do. (trying to hug her) I do. (says sotto voce)
Alice: (tears trickling down from her eyes) Oh, Adam! I love you so much.
[Violent knocks on the door]
Alice: Who might that be? (in a scared tone)
Adam: I don't know. Will you go and see?
Alice: Why? Can't you see?
Adam: Ok.
Adam stumbles on his way out. A door opens. A struggle starts. Someone groans.
Alice: Who is it, Adam? [Door closes]
A thief enters the room holding a knife. Blood is dripping from the knife
Thief: Hand over whatever you have got.
Alice: Oh, no! Please don't hurt us. Take whatever you need. [Runs]
Alice bumps into a wall.
Thief: What luck! (looking at the dressing table)
He takes all the jewelleries and rushes out of the door.
A door slams outside. Silence follows.
Alice: (Shouting) Adam? Adam?
Adam groans.
Alice: Adam. What happened? (crying)
Adam crawls inside the room. Blood coming out his stomach.
Alice: (groping) What happened Adam? [Stumbles on his body]
Adam: Alice. (stretching out his hand) Alice.
Alice: (Holding his hand) Oh, Adam! [Feels his stomach]
Adam: I love you Alice. You are beautiful (smiles)
Alice: I love you too Adam. (crying)
Adam: Don't cry my love. Smile. The darkness is gone.
Alice: What are you talking about Adam? Please don't say such things. You are my light. I won't let you die. [tries to get up]
Adam: (pulling her down) Please don't leave me Alice. Hold me till my last breath.(smiles)
Alice: I won't let you die Adam. Tell me where is the phone. Which way should I go?
Adam: I don't know.(crying) Can't you see Alice?
Alice: Can't you see Adam?
Adam loose his hold on her hand. Closes his eyes. Alice sits there holding him on her arms.
[Draws curtain]
By- Arnav
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,757 Reviews
Overall, it's understandable. The storyline is pretty simple to follow along. It's so sad that Adam dies while Alice cannot save him for she cannot see. It was refreshing to be genuinely surprised by the plot twist of when the thief enters the story and immediately Adam is killed slowly with the thief's knife and their confession of sincere love. Death does emphasis that you should treasure, cherish, and appreciate what/who you have because at any point and time they could be gone. Although there are nitty-gritty details and grammar/punctuation mistakes that should be fixed, it doesn't interfere with the plot and storyline itself. I like it. Good job.
- Lil, aka HalfheartedAmateur
Ok, so here I stumbled from nowhere.,
As I was reading, my eyes were stuck to some obvious mistakes:
It should be in past tense.,
Should be 'What do you mean nothing is broken? Can't you see?'
Uhm., this was awkward, as if he's being sarcastic or something., and if he was, it should be something like 'Oh yes I obviously can. So what's my highness up to?'
Since it was written in a script format, you shouldn't put Alice twice.
Okaaaay... more awkwardness, she asks a dying man where the phone is, isn't it her room?
Okay so many other things, but it's all fine.,
It was a pretty good story.,
Keep writing, and
*-rock.on.,
hey, thanks for your comments...thanks for pointing out the mistakes. I will definitely work on those. But the last one, was not exactly true, as you must have missed the fact that even she is blind! that's the reason she constantly keeps on asking "can't you see Adam?".....
Oh man., brain not working.,
having read it again, including the title, I get it., 
now I really appreciate your work., that's just awesome., 
Hey there leopenrhythm! Storybraniac here to review. Oh my god! I've never seen that good 'other thingy'. It was so good and sad at the end. It be.. Like one of the best thing I have ever read. And it's a good thing that there is no grammatical mistake or spelling or any type of nitpicks. I wonder why you wrote "a room" at the beginning. I guess you meant in Alice's room. Well, it's understandable both ways. Keep writing. You are a really good writer.
-Stor
Thank you