How strong is this pain that I suffer?
E’en death will be more pleasing than this
Thy deep brow’d glasses reflects not stronger
My feel down the drain - all hug and kiss
The heart that I service pays no fare
All craved for just a snippet of affect
Dragg’d it everywhere – vale green and bare
Of love! But now fades away all hecht
Revive can lost, if I to thy mind?
Thy heart and soul that misses me not
O’ darling love of me be this kind
If revived be not, just take all I got
If this be service, thou canst doth play
Lived not fairer, but merrily I lay….
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there! Cailey here from the Land of the Lanterns to review your sonnet. (I think I reviewed sonnet number 1 too...)
Anyway, I like that you tackled this, and I like that you tried to sound kind of old fashionedish as if you actually were Shakespeare. And you have some overly dramatic lines, which are also very Shakespearean.
However, be careful that you don't get stuck trying to sound formal or archaic or whatever. Make sure that your voice is in there, too. It is possible to make a modern sounding sonnet, remember. Also, you wrote "take all I got" in one spot, which is very modern and very different from the rest of the piece. Choose one or the other, and do everything you can to stick to your choice.
Also, be sure and stay away from clichés. There have been a lot of poems written about love, so find a way to make sure this one is unique. It must not be just another, "I want to die because you don't love me" poem. Make it "That awesome sonnet by LeoPensomething."
Hope this helps! Keep on writing!
Hello Again. Jonathan here with another review for you and your poem. I hope it helps.
Again I think you should try to cut down on the old English even though you can understand it doesn't sound right.
Also you need more punctuation I am sure you can find the places it is needed.
"My feel down the drain" Doesn't make sense are you trying to say Feelings.
Well again this made but little sense and your old English didn't make sense to me. I love your work it has good ring to it but there are a few problems, Now don't get me wrong I think this is great.
There is something I am missing but I can't put my finger on it, maybe Arctic covered it though so...
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jonathan~
Hey again Leo!
So with the positives of this poem, I'm going to mention something I mentioned last time and I think the language used is really nice! Although it takes me a bit of a while to decipher what it means because it's not extremely modern, that's okay because it's suiting to the subject. What else I like about this is sonnet's are obviously about love, but usually just praising a woman but here it's a bit different and not like something I've seen yet, and it kind of links to the last sonnet, which is good!
This just completely goes straight over my head because firstly it's not written to make perfect sense. I get that you're trying to have this style here, but this just doesn't make sense to me.
The main thing I'm not too fond of about this poem is the subject/theme of it is pretty vague and I don't really get what's going on. This might be partially due to the fact Old English language is a bit hard for me to understand (this needs to change! xD) but it's also just the way it's written. Like it's good to use this language, and it sounds nice after reading it once, but then when I thought about it again I realised I didn't really get what was going on- and it's important to connect with the readers. I think next time I'd like to see a subject which is more widely felt. Right now I'm kind of getting that this person's heart is being given to someone who doesn't really want it? And it's not worthy?
I love this line!
Aaaand this is a bit of a shorter review, but right now that's my main concern for this poem. If I'm being honest, I didn't really like this one as much as the last as it's all quite vague and in the air- but that might just be me! I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have and if you want another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
I LOVE IT!
As a fan of Sonnets, and Ye Olde English ( I love that saying) I have to admit your poem made me happy even though the content isn't exactly uplifting.
Ok, to the poem! I see no spelling or grammatical mistakes (well done), and the punctuation really accentuates the rhyming. You have a brilliant grasp on writing sonnets and I salute you for it.
Contents wise, I adore it. I see no problems. You knew what you were writing about and put it into a poetic format very well. Overall I can't wait to read more of your work!
Keep Writing.