Hello,
This seems like an interesting story, I must say. I did read the prologue first—though I think it would function better as the beginning of this chapter, as it's too short to be a prologue—and between the two, I'm intrigued by what you've got going here. I want to find out more.
The girl here, Tulsa, has my interest in particular. We know next to nothing about her, which I like, because it shrouds her in a necessary mystique (not to mention that this is just the first chapter, and who wants to know everything about the protagonist in the first chapter? Not me). This may sound like a frivolous compliment, but I also really like her name. To me, a character really begins with their name (or, as the case may be, the absence of a name). Tulsa's a fun choice, a weird choice, and an intriguing choice.
While we don't know much about Tulsa, she seems like a grade-A badass, and I have a weakness for badass female protagonists. I like that you thrust us into the action, too, the way this chapter right away starts off with bandits and fighting... I also have a weakness for stories that begin with some mystery, suspense, and action. (I will say, though, that I would've liked to have heard a more detailed description of the action—it's kind of rushed through and skated over here. I would've preferred those scenes to be longer and more intense.)
I get the sense you have a strong idea of where this story is headed, and I also get the sense it's going to be a wild, creative saga. So basically, I hope you continue it. ^_^
All that being said, I do have some constructive criticism and nitpicks. Here they are, in all their joy-killing glory:
A dark haired girl with red eyes, rugged clothes, ripped jeans and a snap-back hat aims her pistol towards the top of a house.
I like this description of her—it's clear, vivid, and has just the right amount of detail. That being said, I would not give this description right at the beginning; currently, this is more or less your first line, and starting off a book with a physical description of your character is a bit dull. It doesn't hook the reader, you know? So I would save this description for later in the story, and try to work it in as tactfully and subtly as possible, so it doesn't stand out/feel shoehorned.
'' Time to get to work'' she mutters to herself.
There shouldn't be a space between the quotes and the word "time." Also, there should be a comma following "work" and before "she."
One bandit runs across the beautiful, serene garden bouncing along his back is a rocket launcher, as he sits down he aims it at the west side of the building and then lifts his thumb up to signal that he was ready.
Okay, so this is one hell of a long sentence. It's rambling and—without the necessary punctuation—a bit confusing. One issue that plagued this entire chapter is a lack of proper punctuation and run-on sentences. Remember, commas and periods are your friends, not your enemies. Long sentences are fine, but run-ons are not—don't try to connect a bunch of distinct sentences, because that really never works.
Here's another example of what I'm talking about:
A large bright red flare emerges in the dark sky shining bright with the moon it lights up the house and Tulsa immediately knows that was the signal as she fires the gun, a grappling hook reaches the top of the building dragging her to the roof she scales the broken tiles and then jumps down and crashes into the attic she then radios her fellow members to tell them the attack has begun.
That should not be one sentence. That should be several. And there should be commas too—not just one comma, but multiple commas. A comma bonanza.
'' Damn it! THAT WAS CL.OSE!'' She screams
Again, no space between the quotes and the word "damn." I'm also not sure why there's a period in between "cl" in "ose" in the word "close" (faulty keyboard?). And, lastly, you capitalized the S in the word "she," but you're not supposed to capitalize the first letter of a pronoun following dialogue—even if that dialogue ends with an exclamation point/period/question mark, et cetera (unless that pronoun is "I").
She tiptoes to a cover position before engaging in one of the guards clumsily in her path.
Wait, what? A guard is "clumsily" in her path? That seems like an odd word choice. I'm not entirely sure what it's meant to convey. Further, you say "engaging in" when I believe you mean "engaging with."
She punches him in the adam's apple destroying his breathing, then proceeds to disarm him and throw him out of the window screaming.
See, this is one of those action scenes that would've been improved if you'd really explored it rather than skating over it with a summary. I want to know what Tulsa is thinking while this happens, or what the man's thinking. I want to know just how she manages to do this. I want to know her feelings in that moment—is she exhausted? Does his screaming hurt her head, or does it make her feel proud? Does her fist hurt after she punches him? All that good stuff.
The bullets are precise and pass straight through their heads. As Tulsa moves precise and quickly
"Precise" is repetitive here—and, when referring to Tulsa's movements, it should be "precisely" or "her movements are precise."
''This is the room, it has to be'' she thought to herself.
You switched tenses here—you had, up to this point, been writing in present-tense, but by using the word "thought" instead of "thinks," you've switched to past. (Easy mistake to make, though. Happens to the best of us.)
As she removes a piece of cloth and a small knife and carefully places it on the front side of the safe and pours some kind of acid on the cloth, as the cloth absorbs the acid, she places the knife between the hinges of the safe, then the cloth on the lock of the safe, within seconds the lock on the safe is completely dissolved and she then puts enough pressure on the hinges with the knife to open the safe completely without setting of the alarm.
Okay, so this confusing, weird, and yet another blown opportunity to stretch out the action, make it suspenseful, and give us (the readers) insight into Tulsa's mind. Skating over all this hella crazy, badass stuff makes this chapter bland. Get in there and give us the details, don't summarize! This isn't a Wikipedia page about cool stuff Tulsa's done. You don't have to rush through it all. And also, you start off this sentence (and by the way—THIS IS ALL ONE SENTENCE, WHY IS IT ALL ONE SENTENCE?!) with the word "as," but never follow up what she's doing or thinking or what else is happening as she's removing the cloth and all that—instead, you go into yet another "as," which is all kinds of wrong and hurts my head trying to make sense of it. But really, my biggest beef here—as I said, in all caps, a bit earlier—is that this is all one sentence. Just... no. NO.
As she reaches for the USB which has an extreme amount of value on the black market. She smiles and kisses the USB.
You've done it again here: started a sentence with "as" only to never follow up with it. To be clear, "as" really only works to begin a sentence when a character is, let's say, doing two things at once, or something happens at the same time. So, for instance, you could say:
"As Caroline reached for her gun, she wondered if killing this man was a good idea."
OR you could say, "As Bobby played with his new bike, his brother Stevie ate an entire jar of peanut butter."
You cannot say, "As Bobby played with his new bike. My friend saw a squirrel last Thursday." And that's basically what you've done with your sentences.
With the lines you've written here, you can't just combine the first sentence with the second, because it wouldn't make sense to say that "as she reached for the USB, she kissed it." One comes after the other; they don't happen at the same time. So you're going to want to strike the "as" completely.
On another note, the way you mention the USB's "value on the black market" (kind of vague but I'm assuming you're going somewhere with that in future chapters) is terribly shoehorned and clunky. You may want to leave it off entirely and keep your reader in suspense—what is the USB?? why does she want it??—or try to mention its value in a way that's more subtle.
a force grabs her from behind the back
You don't really need "the back"; just saying a force "grabs her from behind" would be sufficient.
As her face becomes pale and her eyesight is fading away
Should be, "and her eyesight fades away."
The fighting ceases as the bandits win.
This line really isn't necessary—I mean, we know she got away, so you don't have to tell us they won. It feels taped on and like you're spoon-feeding the audience. I'd say strike it.
Okay, I know that's a lot to take in, but I did overall enjoy the story—don't let my mountain of nitpicks and criticisms say otherwise. As I said before, I think you've got good bones here, an interesting premise, an interesting lead character... I for one would like to read more.
Good work!
... --CRUSH YOUR WILL TO LIVE BY REVIEWING THIS POEM AND ULTIMATELY KILLING YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY! Yes, yes. Anyway, onto the review. Let's just hop in with grammar and things of that sort.
Points: 2856
Reviews: 41
Donate