Prologue : Battle for paris

by Leekeer, Ehtaniel

Published May 30, 2016

Violence

In Babylon

The night was still young as Louis Heredeaux entered the alley of Sacremento. The alley was pretty small and Louis often used it as a shortcut to go back to his place after work. He admired the calm (stillness) of the place, that helped him focus his thought while walking. But this evening, there seemed to be people walking towards the alley, coming towards him. It was only when he heard the sound of steel blades echoing in the distance that Louis realized that the figures coming were not ordinary people.

Five figures, all dressed the same way : dark red pants with some laced armour. And blue masks. That last part, Louis would have noticed earlier if he wasn't lost in his thought. Two figures seemed male, the other three lurking in the distance were  probably female. The young man didn't lose time to talk them into some diplomatic conversation. They obviously were there for only one thing : to kill him. And Louis even had a fair idea of why.

Louis put his right hand on the pommel of his rapier and unsheathed the blade. Then he took stance, ready to receive his opponents. Dressed in black leather pants and a light brown leather jacket, the man looked in his early thirties. His brown short hair were hidden under a dark blue hat.

The two male figures and two of the female ones closed on him. The last female killer stayed behind, rapier in hand but as if waiting to look at the fight instead of participating in it.

Louis used the slightly higher ground he had on his opponents. They all tried to lunge at once, making him easier to deflect all their blades in one swing, then he spun his wrist to center his rapier and thrusted at throat of the killer on the left. The man tried to cry as the blade pierced his windpipe and came off his neck. He put his free hand to the wound, as if it could save him in any way. Louis didn't lose time and removed his blade, stepped back and turn slightly to the right to face his three remaining opponents.

"You'll pay for that, bastard !" said one of the female killer.

The swordswoman didn't wait for her fellow masked friends and try to rush  Louis. The man had anticipated it and just dodged the blade by stepping sideways. And his blade was already in the right position so the woman got stabbed in a mere second. Louis merely had to push his arm, the girl just impaled herself on the rapier.

" Well, it seemed you liked your friend so much you were really eager to join him on the other side" said the young man.

Louis twisted his blade in the wound then pushed back the masked woman. He could see in her blue eyes that she wasn't believing what was happening to her. She sidestepped, as if leaving the scene could help her in any way. She couldn't walk for more than a couple of feet when she finally dropped her blade and fell to the ground.

The other two killers were already attacking again, eager to avenge their fallen comrades. Louis parried their assault with some ease while stepping back a little. With two opponents left, he decided he could try to deflect  the one on his left at their next assault. There was a small hole in the ground on that side of the path, that could make the swordsman trip in it and fall, giving him a moment alone with the other killer.

As he was about to put his plan in action. Completely unaware, a sharp pain tore at his back. Lowering his eyes, Louis saw the tip of a blade piercing his leather jacket from the inside. The fifth killer ! He was so focused on the opponents he was engaged in that he forgot about her. He could felt the end of the rapier touching his back, the swords-woman had run her blade through him.

"A lady don't like it when a man pays her no attention." said a soft and warm female voice to his left ear. "But at least you gave me an opportunity to take some pleasure, mister Heredeaux."

He could almost feel her breath on his left cheek. Then she twisted her blade and pain ran through his whole body. The female killer removed her agonizing rapier and stepped back. Louis dropped his blade and put both hands to his chest.

The masked swords-woman had taken a look at the man she had just murdered . He would have made a good opponent to her in a one to one duel. But her instructions were clearly : the man had to die and she couldn't have waited for him to kill all his opponents. Two were dead and that was already much. She didn't mind about them dying : if you're not good enough as a fencer, you die, that's simple enough. But if she lost too many, she could be made accountable for it. Anyway, the two defeats were acceptable and she managed to kill the man herself. As Louis lay there in a pond of blood,he simply passed away.  The masked assailants left as soon as Louis was dead.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
burninhell
Review
burninhell wrote a review Review · Jun 2, 2016

Hey Leek!
A review as promised. :)

Okay, so I'm going to get the grammatical errors I noticed out of the way first and then we can get to talking about the plot.

Okay so:

He admired the calm (stillness) of the place

Here, I don't think that you need the brackets, I think you could either get rid of the word all together or just remove the brackets so that it's calm stillness.

helped him focus his thought while walking

I think that here it may need to be changed to 'thoughts' rather than thought.

dark red pants with some laced armour. And blue masks.

Okay, so here you dont need a new sentence after armour. Just finish the sentence after masks.

His brown short hair were hidden under a dark blue hat.

I think you need to swap 'were' for 'was'.

as if waiting to look at the fight

Watch the fight, rather than look at the fight.

They all tried to lunge at once, making him easier to deflect all their blades in one swing

I think rather than 'making him easier to deflect' you may have meant 'making it easier for him to deflect' or something similar if you get my meaning.

that could make the swordsman trip in it and fall

This one is super minor and only because of personal preference. Maybe delete the 'in it' so that it only says 'trip and fall', I feel like this might just make it flow a little smoother.

her instructions were clearly

I think it should be 'clear' not 'clearly'

Two were dead and that was already much.

I think you need to add 'too' between already and much. So it would be 'already too much'

Okay, so that was all I could see in terms of errors, there might have been a couple more that I have missed, but they're only minor grammatical mistakes. The plot however is great! I loved the action that you have in the fight scene, you describe it very well. You also made me forget about the fifth soldier, so when the ending came I was just as surprised as Louis was at the end.
Your plot is super intriguing, you've left a lot of unanswered questions which is great, because I want to read the rest of it like right now! Why did they want him dead? Who gave the swordswoman her instructions, who is she? That sort of thing.
So to sum up. Your story is amazing! I can't wait to read the next installments!

Leekeer replied · Jun 2, 2016

Thanks, Burn. I wanted this for a while but we got there and on grammar erros i will correct them next time. Thanks for the review!!

Yep, I'll be quicker next time :P

User avatar
Gymnast2801
Review
Gymnast2801 wrote a review Review · May 31, 2016

Hello Leekeer! Gymnast2801 here with a review!
I will give you my overall thought of your prologue after I correct/edit because I will be reading through as I do so. Let's get started!



"...a shortcut to go back to his place after work."
There is only one problem with this part and that is that I feel like "place" isn't the best use of words here. I would recommend using "house" before "place" just because it's more descriptive.


"Five figures, all dressed the same way : dark red pants..."
Take away the space after "way".


"...if he wasn't lost in his thought."
"Thought" should be "thoughts.


"They obviously were there for only one thing : to kill him."
Again, no space after "thing".


"...and thrusted at throat of the killer on the left."
You need to add "the" after "at".


'"You'll pay for that, bastard !" said one of the female killer.'
No space before the exclamation mark. Also, there are three female killers (so this charcater thinks) so the word "killer" needs to be changed to "killers".


'" Well, it seemed you liked your friend so much you were really eager to join him on the other side" said the young man.'
No space before "Well".


"As he was about to put his plan in action. Completely unaware, a sharp pain tore at his back."
Okay, I feel like you don't really need that first period. Maybe add a comma instead to make the two sentences flow together.


Oh my goodness, such a cliff hanger!! I love it so much!!
Your story is amazing and I would really appreciate it if you informed me when you have chapter one out!
I think your writing quality is pretty good but, as always, there is room to improve. I think you could use better words at some points and maybe explain things a little better to the point of where it flows better. Just an idea.

Great job, please inform me when the next part is out and keep on writing!

I will inform you!. I didn't see those mistakes i thank you greatly!!

User avatar
ashlingwolf
Review
ashlingwolf wrote a review Review · May 30, 2016

Hi there! Ashlingwolf here for a review.

So, there are a couple of things that I love about this story:

I love the sword fight's description. I love stories that use weapon terminology- using a rapier (once again, rapier not just sword) properly- and well described- I can really see the movements making. It really helps me to picture the scene.

I also love the secrecy and compellingness of the story. For a prologue, this was written perfectly, as it really attracts my attention. I really want to know who Louis was, who the masked assailants were, and why they killed him. I really want to know what's going to happen next.

There are a few spelling/ grammar mistakes, but those don't really matter compared to the value of the story itself- remember to proofread when you type.

Overall, this is a great prologue to what I am sure will be a great story. I am very excited for the next installment.
ashlingwolf

Thanks, i will proofread my work next time



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind