The room was silent almost if you could hear an ant trodding on the dusty carpet below. Meline stared into the light sky. ''What happened to Louis?. I must find out.'' she mutters. Meline turned her attention to the street that was bustling to her delight. Merchants were running around in their small funny clothes with their expensive jewelry glinting in the sun's light, but causing them eternal depression because they could only afford them for a small period of time. The dreadful night before had a strain on her mind. The bow piercing through the bystander's head lingers in her head like a scar on the mind.
A knock on the door startled Meline. '' Who's there?'' She asked. ''Cardinal's Guard!'' The figure replied. Meline held her rapier tight. She permitted the guard through. The guard was drenched in battle armour that was broken and battered, you could still see a rapier mark on the armour. Meline cautiously sat on a weary, old chair. The stains on the chair were encompassed with blood stains but Meline chose to ignore it. '' What brings you here guard?.'' She questions. The guard removed her mask revealing the short, blonde haired woman Meline saw the night before. '' Our leader needs a word with you ma'dam.'' she responded. ''What leader?'' Meline curiously answered. ''Our great cardinal Richelieu.'' She proudly replied. Meline rolled her eyes and slouched back into her chair. '' Richelieu wants the kings throne!'' She hissed. The guard gave Meline a face of resentment as she passed Meline a card. On the front was the address of the headquarters of the Cardinal's guard. ''You know where to find us'' She gave a sarcastic smile. The door echoed across the room as door was slammed shut.
Meline walked to the coat hanger and drew her dark coat. She opened and locked the door before she ran down the stairs. The receptionist tried to speak but Meline was out of the glass door before he could even utter a word. There stood before her was her dark, majestic stallion. It's hooves were made of steel and its mane was breezing in the wind elegantly. It had a large thick coat of hair covering its bare skin. Meline touched the iron saddle with care and ease showing that she cares for this animal. The animal let out a neigh as Meline pulled back the saddle-leash. The stallion galloped through the markets and into the amassed roads. The horse was quick as lightning. It maneuvered its way passed the posh upper-class carriages. Meline sought out a shortcut pass through an alleyway near the area of Sacramento. To do this she needed to gate-crash a house that was beautifully lit with decorations of the King's birthday, Someone who lives here is a royalist and Meline hates royalists.
The horse broke into the decorated living room fearlessly. The carpet which had the King's face plastered all over it was completely torn as the horse trashed the living room completely. Meline's face was smiling all throughout it as she enjoyed this kind of thing. The shards of glass was scattered all over the room in an instant. The stallion's leg kicked the royalist in the chest which threw him out of the house. In a daze he awakes to see his house destroyed. The stallion now happily out of harm's way rode through the alleyway. Members in all dark-red clothing entered the alleyway blocking off the exit.
The horse not caring for the people blocking off the exit gallantly jumped above the figures. Meline laughed in mid-air. As her rapier ripped one figure's jugular vein splattering the blood all over the stallion's steel covered hooves. '' Sorry!!'' She chuckled. The horse then stopped as Meline jumped off the horse. Her blades were unsheathed in a matter of seconds. She grinned to her horse, the horse immediately ran off. The figures slowly moved to her. '' Who are you!'' She questioned. ''We fight for freedom and liberty, you are our enemy ma'dam!'' they accused. ''I don't get it. Why is the rebellion targeting me?!.'' she said perplexed. '' Your brother... why don't you ask him!'' They exclaimed. Her eyes turned from light blue to red signalling their deaths. She threw her rapier at one rebel and her blade at the other. The rapier pierced through the frontal lobe of his small brain, instantaneously killing the rebel. The blade slit the throat of the other rebel, killing him. One rebel remained. The rebel was weak at the knees and trembling in fear.
Her bow was precisely aimed at the genital area of the rebel implying that Meline wanted the rebel to feel immense pain for mentioning her brother. The arrow is fired into the genitals. The rebel clenches his crotch to hold back the blood flowing from his genitalia but it was useless. Meline removed her rapier from the rebel's head. The tip of the rapier had bits of brain falling off from it. She sheathes her rapier and whistles for the stallion. The stallion emerges from the alleyway. Meline jumped on the stallion and rode west. Leaving the poor rebel bleeding out in the alleyway.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Alright Leek, we're back at it again.
Review number 2 coming right up.
As with the last one I'm going to run through nitpicks first and then get to the good stuff:
Okay, just going to point out the speech thing again, new speaker new line. It just makes it easier to read and stops you from getting the speakers muddled up. It's an easy enough fix though.
had caused a strain on her mind.
I'd perhaps suggest re structuring this sentence to avoid saying 'head' twice in such a short time.
'drenched' is the wrong word. Perhaps just 'wearing' would work?
Just a question mark here, get rid of the full stop.
The door didn't echo, the sound the door makes did, just switch this sentence up a bit to make it make sense.
and drew on her dark coat
Full stop not a comma
were scattered
Okay, towards the end of this chapter, I'm going to be honest I got a little confused. There needs to be a bit more explanation in this chapter, about who everybody is, what they mean to Meline. Who are the royalists? Who are the rebels? Who are they rebelling against? The cardinal or the king? Who does Meline stand with? At this point I dont feel like I actually know very much about Meline. It was only towards the end of this chapter where we found out that she was Louis' sister not his wife. I think you just need to tell the reader a little bit more information in places.
Your grammar has gotten so much better!!! Omg Leek! There are still some points which can be improved upon, but you've definitely improved between the last chapter and this one. Keep it up mate!
Your imagery is also great here! You've made it very easy to picture everything that's taking place within your chapter, and your pacing is also great!
Keep it up ma friend.
Chas
You need to make a separate line whenever someone's talking. I got confused here, thinking the girl's a guard.
Why are the merchants' clothes funny? Also, you don't need a comma after "light."
I suggest using "she" instead of "you" here. I feel like the "you" makes it a fourth wall break.
Okay, I just jumped into this story but why do her eyes change colors? Signaling their deaths? A suggestion: Her eyes changed color signaling her psychic powers (i don't know what causes her eyes to do that). Let their deaths or danger be implied
Anyway!
Very good! I think a lot of the mistakes can be fixed by simply reading out loud. Sometimes, when a person writes they overlook obvious things. You want this to read more like a story than a script: Stallion emerges... Meline jumped. Keep writing! By the way, I like the name Meline a lot. ^^
Yeah... its a mystery but just stick around to find out if she has powers or not. Great review!.
Pre-reading
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Okay, so after me reading this I definitely like your PROGRESS. So much PROGRESSSSSs since your prologue punctuation wise and descriptive wise. The imagery of the stallion was also pretty amazing. Why did her eyes turn red to indicate their deaths? Does she have some sort of superpower or? Also it is still awkward which makes it difficult to read. It jumps around a bit. Despite this, I still like it.
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The Stuffs
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::The room was silent almost if you could hear an ant trodding on the dusty carpet below.::
Your sentence is a bit jumbled up here. It looks like two sentences smashed together. If you separated it, it would probably sound better. 'The room was silent. It was almost as if you could hear an ant trotting on the dusty carpet below.'
::Meline turned her attention to the street that was bustling to her delight.::
Hmm. I think much to her delight would sound better...'Melanie turned her attention to the street that was bustling with people, much to her delight'. Or something like that.
::glinting in the sun's light, but causing them eternal depression because they could only afford them for a small period of time.::
(eternal depression? I have that too.) But the eternal depression phrase is a bit odd here. It just sounds out of place. Also the sentence seems to run on for a bit too long. Perhaps you could split it up? 'However, the merchants were burdened with the looming thought that they would soon have to return the beautiful jewelry'.
::was drenched in battle armour::
So his armor is wet?
::in battle armour that was broken and battered, you could still see a rapier mark on the armour.::
I feel like this was casually added into here. It's like a useless part of the sentence unless you switch it around and make it sound good. Just separate your sentences buddy!
::?.''::
wyd??
::She gave a sarcastic smile.::
Gave sounds a bit weird here. As if she decided to hand someone's sarcastic smile to her. Perhaps...'She offered (name) a sarcastic smile....[etc etc here]'.
::There stood before her was her dark,::
I think 'standing before her was...' would sound better. That is just me though, and this is just a suggestion.
::It had a large::
Because you said the horse is a stallion, making it a male, you could just say he instead. Also has or had?
::To do this she needed to gate-crash a house that was beautifully lit with decorations of the King's birthday, Someone who lives here is a royalist and Meline hates royalists.::
Don't forget to separate these sentences. Also you just throw out there she hates royalists and its kind of meh.
::Meline's face was smiling::
You make it sound as if her face is alive(lolZ).
::The stallion now happily out of harm's way rode through the alleyway.::
Make sure to use those commas! *The stallion, now happily out of harm's way, rides/rode through the alleyway.*
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Last Two Paragraphs
So basically you say what is happening, and I can clearly picture it, but it isn't really organized. It's like going through the motions. She does that. And than he did that. The horse than did that. There are these gaps in time from what happened. It's almost as if you are summarizing the story, and this is evident here: "The stallion emerges from the alleyway. Meline jumped on the stallion and rode west". See what I mean? I think this is something that can be worked on and fixed. Also, the last sentence there in the final paragraph is left hanging. Make sure to add those two sentences together.
LolZ
The arrow is fired into the genitals.
The tip of the rapier had bits of brain falling off from it.
FASTY MCBEARD FAST!
I came to look at this real quick (read it all full tomorrow) but "blood flowing from his genitalia but it was useless."
(tell him to get a tampon)
never!!!
ok