Today is a day of happiness and joy. Today is a day of friendship and alliances . Today is the day that the galaxy comes to arms to protect its beloved planets .
~Breaking News~
~ The Two Kings of massive empires meet to negotiate the biggest treaty in galactic history. Mars and earth two warring empires have caused so much pain in the galaxy nearly causing the implosion of it~
~ The Galaxy had issued a ceasefire to the two planets and if each don't meet the agreement the planets would perish to the Black Hole Weapon ~
~ We have coverage of the Galaxy council leader asking the king of earth Luther IV the negotiations that he has to agree on. Lets go to it now~
"King of Earth do you agree that you will not attack the citizens and military of mars and forever hold your anger against the government of mars . Will you accept the plea of mars to retreat your men from the war zones and release any martian troops from your hold " the councilor insisted
" I accept " Luther whispered
" I can't hear you your highness say that again" the councilor challenged
" I ACCEPT" Luther shouted making the whole building hear him
Eyes were flung upon him in disgust . the main person that smirked while the king was signing and recording the treaty was the martian king Napier. Napier and Luther hated each other since they were children when their fathers were discussing colonies Napier Hit Luther in the back and caused internal bleeding that didn't stop for weeks. The motive of Napier's action still remains an mystery .
The councilor walked to the other side of the table to where the recording was and clicked the stop button . Then turned his eyes on the king and announced " The king of earth has agreed to the peace treaty next shall be the king of mars "
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...well this was a really cool start to a story. This is definitely got enough in there to make me want to read on at any rate. It does have itself a few issues though...soo..well...more on all of that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...I have a feeling maybe the part indicating this was breaking news should've come before that first paragraph, but at any rate, that opening does remind me of the way a anchor on the news would announce something like that...soo..well this is a very interesting style to see in a prologue, I certainly haven't seem anything quite like it before.
Well, that certainly does sound worthy of breaking news, I really do love this concept of just some sort of intergalactic station or something along those lines just sort of announcing an important event in the galaxies history. Little bits of detailed worldbuilding like are always just soo much fun to read and I love running into things like this.
Hmm, well the breaking of these paragraphs is a tiny bit on the stranger side, I'm assuming this is all being said by one pearson, at least that's what it sounds like to me...but uhh other than, this seems like a pretty cool little news broadcast here and just cutting away to someone else there interviewing is definitely something that will happen. And ahh...I'm just loving the worldbuilding here.
I have a feeling despite the fact that this council appears to be above the rank of the kings, they would still have to call that person your majesty or something like that, cause I doubt you'd just call someone as the kind of Earth, it just sounds a little off there...but of course this is your world so perhaps that is normal there.
Okay...that sounded almost like a bit of a schoolyard bully moment there by the councilmen. I'd expect it to be a little more professional than that in an actual intergalactic council...so yeah, that's just a little too off to me. I feel like that has to be changed to sound like a more official or just remove the king having to repeat himself. Also....uhh, your highness is usually used to refer to princes and princesses, its usually your majesty when kings are involved as far as I know...but I could be wrong of course.
Okay, well that was an interesting turn of events, not to mention the internal bleeding for several weeks sounds quite weird there. I feel like that is the sort of thing that would kill someone, especially a human, perhaps they have better technology than we have now, but still, internal is a very serious thing, and weeks is just a very long time.
Okay...well, interesting point to end on there...I have a feeling the kind of mars is definitely coming up with nefarious plans there...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid start to a story, and this could really be an awesome first chapter once it's been ironed out a little. Anyway, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, Leeker! Welcome to YWS! This must be your first work! Here's a review from me.
Well, first , about the first stanza. Here you have tried to signify the day mentioned in the chapter. I feel that the stanza needed some more lines to emphasize the gravity of the situation. In other words, a line or two more to get to the mood.
Second, there has been some mistakes in using punctuation and capitalization. You should have capitalized Earth and Mars. And there are some places where you needed to add a punctuation. For example-
"Mars and Earth, two warring empires have....."
"....asking the King of Earth, Luther IV , "about" the negotiations...." ( You didn't use 'about', but a preposition is needed here)
"King of Earth, do you......government of Mars? Will you....from your hold?"
"I can't hear you, your highness. Please, say that again/ May you say that again?" I don't think the councilor would straightly ask the king to say something in an Imperative sentence.
In the last 2nd stanza, "...when their fathers..."- here a new sentence should begin. "When their fathers were......colonies, Napier....." Don't add it with the previous sentence "...hated since they were children."
Well, a good start of a novel. But, however, I think that you should have written something about the hatred between the two kings. And also, I didn't quite get it- how come their fathers discussed colonies? I mean, aren't their fathers supposed to be Kings of two different empires, too. Here, I think, you should explain it a bit more.
Also, the chapter needed some more details or things to make the situation more serious. I mean, it is a serious moment. But the description lacked seriousness a bit. And, the reason why this is happening between the Kings should get a part here,too. I mean, describe the fights or wars that occurred between the kings, I think, you should give a short summary of these.
Anyways, I liked the beginning. I am gonna wait for the next chapters! Best of Luck!
Yeh thanks for the feedback much appreciated and illl try to covey on the grammar mistakes and this is only the prologue do it wont be as long as the big one go and check out Supremacy chapter 1
Alright I am here for a review!
So starting with grammatical errors. First, You have to capitalize "Mars" and "Earth" every time you use them. Second, you do not need to put a space between the letter and the quotation marks.
Also, you need to put comma in your dialogue. For example, you said this, " I accept " Luther whispered
You should have said it like this, "I accept," Luther whispered.
You also forgot to put periods at the end of your paragraphs but that is an easy fix. The mistakes I mentioned can be quickly corrected.
Now onto the actual content. I liked the way you started it off with using "Today is". And the way the King of Earth responds with a whisper shows he is not happy with the situation.
Cool start to your story. Keep writing!
Thanks And ill try to fix it but thanks anyway and Chapter 2 and chapter 3 will be the last of this prologue and ill try to make these amazing