Meline returns from the rebel attack.
The air was cold, bleak and voiceless. The pavement below the hotel was dark and grey. The streets were abandoned and the markets closed. Meline laying on her dusty and torn bed couldn't stop wondering about her brother, if he was still alive or if he died. That was cut short when the door was blasted open and swordsmen and women poured through. Meline had little time to react as she fumbled over her bed frantically. She looked up to see that women who came to her house the day before was standing there. ''What do you want now!'' she groaned. ''We are here to take you to the Cardinal with or without your consent.'' The woman said calmly. Meline stood up and stared grandly at the woman. ''Make me'' she offered. Meline turned around to asses the situation to see if she could win but before she could think she was knocked out by the woman who she turned her back to.
The room was dark, distorted and the half broken window was protected by a pair of rusting old metal bars. A song bird perched itself on top of the window still outside. Meline slowly regained consciousness but felt a throbbing pain from the back of her head, ''uh.. what happened'' she said confused. She was restrained and struggled to get out. She sees the swords woman. The swords-woman stood there, her face calm and composed. ''Hes nearly here.'' she asserted. ''Who's nearly here.'' Meline replied. ''You know who.'' she said with a grin splashed across her face. There was a knock on the door. The swords-woman stood from her wooden chair and walked across to the door opening it.
A middle aged man with a pair glasses very small appeared. He had a broad mustache which was neatly above a chin stubble. He wore a clergymans outfit which bore a resemblance to what the pope would wear. He was covered in gold pieces such as earings, necklaces and a familiar silver ring. ''Bonjour'' The man said soothingly. ''Is this him'' Meline said perplexed. ''Yes. I am the Cardinal.'' He said with pride. ''Well, your kinda of a power hungry man.'' Meline stated. The Cardinal not caring for her remarks walked around the room towards Meline with a suave about him. ''Mmm, i suppose you know that i need your assistance Meline Heredeax.'' He questioned. ''What for'' she asked.
''I suppose you know about the rebellion that is going on.'' He said. ''Yes..'' she replied. He placed his hand above his cross and stared at Meline ''I want you to kill key members of the rebellion for information about your brother.'' He said with a firm resolve. ''What'' she gasped. ''How do you know about my brother'' she said puzzled. ''I know a lot about your family Meline.'' He admitted. Meline looked at the floor with a bewildered expression across her face. ''Now Ms Heredeax do we have an agreement.'' He said temptingly. ''Alright... but only if you tell me what happened to Louis.'' she said reluctantly. ''You have a deal.'' He cackled. The swords woman mumbled for a second but the Cardinal gave her a dastardly stare and with no hesitation she untied Meline. The cardinal placed out his hand for Meline. Meline looked at it dumbfound for a few minutes. The Cardinal not deterred by Meline's action welcomes her into his army. ''Welcome to the Cardinals Guard.'' he shouts.
End of chapter
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140,691 Literary Works • 673,612 Reviews
Leek!
Alright, last one for today.
As with the others I'm going to run through nitpicks first and then we'll get to all that stuff you've done well.
woman
comma before the final set of speech marks, I think I've gone over this before so I won't do it again
assess - the typo made me smile though xD
This is a question, therefore question marks before you close the speech marks, and probably 'asked' rather than said.
Again, a question.
a pair of very small glasses?
Okay, last time I'm gonna point this out. This is a question. Question mark is needed.
Not sure this is the right way to use this word. Perhaps instead- there was something suave about him ?
Okay so here, both his lines of speech begin with 'I suppose', try to switch it up a little bit to make it a little more interesting.
In places you've capitalized cardinal, in other places you haven't, perhaps just try to be a little more consistent with it.
Okay. This is by far the best chapter you have written so far in terms of your grammar and structure and putting the piece together as a whole, so well done there. As always your imagery is amazing, you make it super easy to picture exactly what is going on which is great!
This chapter feels the most well thought out, and the best in terms of pacing out of all of them so far, which is great, I've got high hopes for your next chapter, let me know when you post it because I'd love to read it!
Chas
Thanks and ive got high hopes for the next chapter
Awesome! Let me know when you've posted it
Hey there! I try to not review things unless I've read the beginning, but I'm making an exception today. I did try to skim your previous chapters, but if I say something that has to do with them and I'm wrong just ignore that comment. Anyway time to review.
Now the boring stuff, Grammatical Etc. errors, and nitpicks:
I think my biggest problem with this line is your telling us outright what has happened and I think you should show us more and get rid of this.
there is an extra space here, and in some other places, just give your story a quick look through
Every time someone new speaks a new paragraph should be made.
So here you seem to describe the scene first and then have all the actions within it. Although your descriptions are amazing, try to fit them into the action so it's not just setting the scene and then events taking place. You want to have them intertwined
I'm not sure if your trying to describe his glasses or the man himself if the glasses then this should go before pair if describing the man then it should so go before middle
Here you temporarily switch to present tense when everything else is past, this is easily fixed.
Your story is very interesting and I think I'm going to have to read the first couple chapters because I want to understand this better. I hope this review is helpful to you and keep on writing!
Sláinte -Junel
Thanks and go read the others it will fit in nicely