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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Okay the rhythm of this stanza is really good it flows perfectly. At face value I figured it was gonna be cliche with the sticks and stones stuff, but it ended up being really interesting and gripping.
Hmm I wanted to add something in that last line... but I don't know if that even works, maybe it's just the wording, see if you can tweak it a bit.
Okay this is good until the last line. I feel like this interupts the flow. Your first three lines feel flowy to me, then you made it all choppy at the end with the commas, creating pauses, when it should have flowed. Secondly, using laughed, sneered, and jeered again just seems repetitive. It is a possibilty you just want him to fit in with the people already laughing at her, then it'd be okay. However, if it was just to put there I would change it.
The reason for striking that out is that 'bone' is not.. eh I don't know how to say, it just feels final. The rest of the stanza the words kind of linger in your mouth. Then you say bone and it doesn't linger.. That's the only way I can explain it.
My advice would be just to change the few words striked out to something else. Also something I just noticed your syllable count for this stanza is 8,6,8,8; which I think might be the reason for the interuption of rhythm.. So my advice would be to make the last line 6 syllables.
...Okay I read through this poem a few times and I really love the concept and how you told the story it's all really good. However every stanza I pointed out the same thing your flow and rhythm is off. So I figured I'd just sum up what I'm saying instead of just hammering what I thought into you at every single stanza. I suggest either when you revise this or write another poem you should read it aloud. It helps drastically. It always helps me to hear my sentences and see what works and what doesn't. I'm not a huge syllable counter however if you hear something wrong but can't figure out what it is, count your syllables. I would just go through your poem, read it, and practice; see if you can hear what I heard when I read your poem. But honestly once you get your flow and rhythm verything you write will be better and it will really boost your writing. That's one thing is the only critque I have really, otherwise, as I said it's a good narrative and I felt the emotions conveyed very well and most of your word choice is pretty spot on so just fix up those pesky problems and you'll be good to go
Keep writing!
-Bryn
Hey there!:)
I really felt the pain and suffering of the girl. You described exactly everything she went through. It was deep and the reason it hit me so hard, was because I'm all too familiar with this. I've had friends go through this, but never gone through that far. It shows the exact outcome of everyday bullying and how serious it actually is.
I really really liked this. I have to say this was a top choice for me in the contest- unfortunately, it didn't make it. But in my eyes, it is great. My favorite. This message was to let you know that, and that this WAS really good, no matter how it placed.
Great job:) Beautifully sad...♥
-Brie
This is mostly good. It's sad but very true; this sort of thing happens, and I think you tell the story well. However, I feel like the rhythm and rhyme changed after a while, and that was awkward. At first you had four-line stanzas with a definite rhythm and (I felt) rhyme, but then you stopped rhyming, then you had a three-line stanza, then the single line...I mean, I understand that single line makes the gunshot more dramatic, but it still helps break up the flow. So my only suggestion for this poem is to try to smooth out the rhythm. Otherwise just do away with it and make this a free-verse.
~Blue
Wow I was actually expecting a happy ending in the end of this poem while I was reading the first few stanzas but I still admire your unhappy ending. It ends the cliche. This poem stirred up a lot of emotions and the most emotion I felt was sorrow. At first, I felt bad for her but during the end, I both felt mad but piteous. I really like this poem. You will get a good grade on this assignment most likely but my main question was what it suppose to rhyme because there are some places where it seems it rhymes. Other than that, really good poem. Keep writing.
Your poem shows the truth. I don't like admitting that this can actually happen, probably has happened. I love what you've written, though. It's beautiful<3