There was no ‘after story’ for us
Because our story was never written
Nor completed with my own fingers
Like
how fairy tale stories would end
You once took away my hearth
That one shelter that I once stayed
To escape this pain and suffering that I called reality
That
one place I called fantasy
You burned it down on that night
Like how I burned the book from that day
Flames went high up above the clouds
Creating
dirt with your black smoke
As our eyes met for the first time
I was the maiden in the house
You were the prince in the castle
Like
in any fairy tale stories
But I thought I found my true love
You, once I believe, were my prince charming
Who asked me for a one night dance on the ball
But
you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing
I have loved you
Like how I have fallen for you
Even when you still treat me like a child
But
you didn’t give me that as I became an adult
You welcomed me in your home
Because I was your wife
You never opened to me
Because
I was not your lover
I was a bird
Trapped in a cage
A helpless butterfly
Dying
in a bottle
You married me
So I was your accessory
An old rusted ring
Inside
a jewelry box
If only I could speak to you with my own voice
Rather than writing it down on the end of the page ,
Would you still accept me?
Would
you still understand me?
In every chapter, there is a story
About my feelings
And my journey towards everything
Though
you never have the chance to read them
That book doesn’t have a happy ending
It ended up with a tragedy
No one dies in the story
Nor
the main character committed suicide
It’s just that…
Our story has ended that way
With our love that wasn’t meant to be
So our marriage doesn’t have an after story
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hello there, KittyMew!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^
I think some stanzas to separate parts of the poem would help this poem out in terms of flow and organization. Not to mention that this poem is incredibly long. It would be nice to let them breathe instead of reading a huge chunk of words.
I agree a lot with the previous review, at least when it comes to a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. Give the reader true emotions, strike them with the power of your words. Be original and creative, without being limited by anything. Let us hear your voice, through the power of imagery, metaphor, mood, and tone.
I feel as if the poem is very cliche, but I can't really blame you for that, judging that the poem is based on fairy tales, but repeating what I mentioned above, you should still present the reader with something new, and original.
The ending is a little bit weak, in my opinion. Would try to improve that, if I were you.
I think that this line is just fine without the ellipse.
This is a part of the review that you don't really have to pay attention to, as style in poetry is a choice, but I suggest adding punctuation. Not under the influence of "all poetry must have punctuation" but under the influence of the fact that I believe it'll improve the flow.
That's all I have to say about my opinion of this poem. I hoped this review helped you out, and have an amazing day! ^-^
Hey-o!
This poem has a lulling quality about it which I think fits in nicely with its theme of stories and fairy tales. It works together to make a lullaby feel.
Quick grammar note:
"You, once I believe, were my prince charming"
I'm assuming you meant "believed" here!
The poem is nice but you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. Don't just tell your reader how you feel, show them! Don't just tell me about how this romance makes you feel, give me tangible imagery and relateable emotions. I struggle to empathize with this poem because it isn't showing me how you feel.
Also,
"Wolf in sheep's clothing"
is a major cliche.
Overall, I think this poem is lovely and I'd love to keep reading your work to get a better understanding of your voice!
Happy writing,
Rae
Before I go on to review this excellent poem I would just like to clarify that the narrator is indeed the bird and that is not just a metaphor for the likes of helplessness and lake of hope seeing as it's in the cage this rather threw me off at the end, apologizes if this is clarified somewhere and I just don't see it,
Cheers.