Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

E - Everyone

After Story

by KittyMew


There was no ‘after story’ for us

Because our story was never written

Nor completed with my own fingers

Like how fairy tale stories would end

You once took away my hearth

That one shelter that I once stayed

To escape this pain and suffering that I called reality

That one place I called fantasy

You burned it down on that night

Like how I burned the book from that day

Flames went high up above the clouds

Creating dirt with your black smoke

As our eyes met for the first time

I was the maiden in the house

You were the prince in the castle

Like in any fairy tale stories

But I thought I found my true love

You, once I believe, were my prince charming

Who asked me for a one night dance on the ball

But you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing

I have loved you

Like how I have fallen for you

Even when you still treat me like a child

But you didn’t give me that as I became an adult

You welcomed me in your home

Because I was your wife

You never opened to me

Because I was not your lover

I was a bird

Trapped in a cage

A helpless butterfly

Dying in a bottle

You married me

So I was your accessory

An old rusted ring

Inside a jewelry box

If only I could speak to you with my own voice

Rather than writing it down on the end of the page ,

Would you still accept me?

Would you still understand me?

In every chapter, there is a story

About my feelings

And my journey towards everything

Though you never have the chance to read them

That book doesn’t have a happy ending

It ended up with a tragedy

No one dies in the story

Nor the main character committed suicide

It’s just that…

Our story has ended that way

With our love that wasn’t meant to be

So our marriage doesn’t have an after story


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Donate
Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:04 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, KittyMew!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

I think some stanzas to separate parts of the poem would help this poem out in terms of flow and organization. Not to mention that this poem is incredibly long. It would be nice to let them breathe instead of reading a huge chunk of words.

I agree a lot with the previous review, at least when it comes to a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. Give the reader true emotions, strike them with the power of your words. Be original and creative, without being limited by anything. Let us hear your voice, through the power of imagery, metaphor, mood, and tone.

I feel as if the poem is very cliche, but I can't really blame you for that, judging that the poem is based on fairy tales, but repeating what I mentioned above, you should still present the reader with something new, and original.

The ending is a little bit weak, in my opinion. Would try to improve that, if I were you.

It’s just that…


I think that this line is just fine without the ellipse.

This is a part of the review that you don't really have to pay attention to, as style in poetry is a choice, but I suggest adding punctuation. Not under the influence of "all poetry must have punctuation" but under the influence of the fact that I believe it'll improve the flow.

That's all I have to say about my opinion of this poem. I hoped this review helped you out, and have an amazing day! ^-^




User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 447
Reviews: 52

Donate
Sun Oct 30, 2016 10:32 am
emoticon220 wrote a review...



Hey-o!
This poem has a lulling quality about it which I think fits in nicely with its theme of stories and fairy tales. It works together to make a lullaby feel.

Quick grammar note:
"You, once I believe, were my prince charming"

I'm assuming you meant "believed" here! :)

The poem is nice but you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. Don't just tell your reader how you feel, show them! Don't just tell me about how this romance makes you feel, give me tangible imagery and relateable emotions. I struggle to empathize with this poem because it isn't showing me how you feel.

Also,

"Wolf in sheep's clothing"

is a major cliche.

Overall, I think this poem is lovely and I'd love to keep reading your work to get a better understanding of your voice!
Happy writing,
Rae




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 1184
Reviews: 8

Donate
Mon Oct 24, 2016 6:26 pm
Paradaux says...



Before I go on to review this excellent poem I would just like to clarify that the narrator is indeed the bird and that is not just a metaphor for the likes of helplessness and lake of hope seeing as it's in the cage this rather threw me off at the end, apologizes if this is clarified somewhere and I just don't see it,
Cheers.





There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki