Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I shook my head. No, no way was I going to let Camron take me to a place where I can't even afford to eat at. It would just feel wrong letting someone pay for something I couldn't pay for myself.
"Camron, listen. I couldn't even afford this, I feel uncomfortable." I said while looking directly into his green eyes that were looking at me with passion.
"Let me use on of my questions, from our honesty game last night.?" He asked sounding a little nervous.
"Okay." I huffed annoyed. He isn't understanding.
"Why can't I treat you to this dinner?" He asked, then waited for my answer.
"Because, I couldn't let you or anyone for that matter, spend that much money on me. I'm not worth it." I looked down at my hands. I was embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't good enough.
"Boe, do you remember when we talked in homeroom?" He asked.
"Of course I remember, it wasn't easy to forget. You bitched me the fuck out and then moved all the fucking way in the back, to get away from me." I muttered. I was still upset he did that. It wasn't something that was easy to forget or forgive.
"Boe, the only reason I did that, was because I was scared of you." He admitted sounding guilty.
"Scared of me? Of me?" I repeated. "Yeah, I fight but I don't think I'm that scary." I said.
"Boe, I'm not scared of you physically. I'm scared of you mentally. I'm scared at what I felt for you. That's why as soon as we got to know each other, I freaked." He said with guilt thick in his voice. His eyes begging me to forgive him.
"It's okay. I forgive you but I wish you told me sooner what was actually going on." I said looking at my hands. "It would have made things a whole lot easier on both of us."
"Let me treat you to this dinner, as an apology?"
"How about you take me to Burger King, I'm feeling a whopper." I say with a grin on my face.
Camron burst out in laughter. "A whopper? You'd prefer a whopper over a fancy five star restaurant. Alright Boe, lets go get a whopper." He said while backing out of the busy parking lot.
"Can I ask one of my questions now?" I asked worried he'd say no.
"Sure, go ahead." He said keeping his eyes on the road.
"How did you know where I live?" I asked trying not to distract him from driving. My life did depend on him.
"Well I thought you were interesting. So I followed you home from school one day." He answered.
"Just give me a fucking reason not to jump out this fucking car. You followed me!" I screamed not caring if he wasn't interested in me anymore.
"Boe! Calm down. I knew you were different, I couldn't help it. I wanted to know more. I was going to apologize that day I followed you home but I didn't have the guts then I saw you with Ethan and I knew I had to back off."
"Excuse me?" I may be mad at Ethan but that doesn't give anyone an excuse, to talk bad about my best friend. I didn't like where this was going.
"Ethan isn't your ordinary guy, Boe." I looked outside and noticed we were at Burger King already. I didn't want to argue but Ethan was a touchy subject. Especially now that Ethan and I are fighting. "Bye Camron." I opened the passenger door, and started the long walk home. Wondering for myself why I was so upset.
"Boe! You're being crazy. Stop it." Camron said chasing after me.
I didn't care. I wasn't in the mood. I walked on the sidewalk not looking back.
"Boe!" Camron grabbed my arm and turned me around to kiss me.
__________________________________________________________________________
Hey guys! Sorry it's kinda short and took me forever to update. I haven't been in the writing mood lately. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and there is going to be sex scene soon, so caution.
xoxoxos,
Love Katy.
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
Hi again Katyy! Here to review the last currently posted part of this story, and I am very excited
Okay so this was short, but nevertheless it was still packed with some really good stuff. I keep mentioning this in all the chapters, but each chapter your characters get stronger and stronger which is just fabulous. I think this is the strongest part about your writing, and I've often found it's actually quite a hard thing to do and keep consistent, so well done!
In these two different parts, you've said the same thing but shown it in a different way, so basically you don't really need to include both.
Something that bothered me a bit about this chapter was that there was quite a lot of dialogue and fter a while it gets boring to see the same thing over and over again. I think with dialogue it's important to remember that you don't actually need to show the whole conversation to illustrate thing, and rather show some important parts of the conversation and then explain the rest. So for example rather than showing a long argument you could say 'they continued to argue', r something like that.
I've mentioned this before but I'm going to say it again, why is Boe falling for Camron. Ethan says he's bad news and they've actually been friends for longer. even she has reason to hate him!:
So why does she like him? Actually no, sometimes she doesn't. She keeps having weird mood-swingy changing opinions of him all the time and it's one of the few things about the characters that I really just don't understand.
To sum up, good addition to the novel although a bit short? Good characterisation, but next steps would be really don't be afraid to flesh out on certain detail, and don't let the whole chapter get cluttered by dialogue! I hope this review helped
Just keep writing!
-Arc x
It's interesting how both Camron and Ethan have different thoughts about each other. I would love to hear more about the family feud. I was hoping this chapter would be a little longer. I also think you should have gone deeper into the subject of Boe leaving Camron at Burger King. And maybe add more details on why Camron is afraid of Boe mentally, because Camron does seem more wise than Boe. As for the kissing part, how does Boe know Camron is turning her around to kiss her before he actually does it. I'm curious, intrigue me!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO HERE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just need to fix some little things at you'll be published to places like Barnes N' Noble and your stories will be on iBooks in no time!!! You are fantastic, Katy!!!!
-Arli021
Oh no! It's the last one chapter that I can see is available for my eyes! This is a sad moment.
You seriously need to write more, ok? That's an order.
I like this honesty game that you have created between Camron and Boe. It's a great way for your reader to get to know your characters a little better!
"Ethan isn't your ordinary guy, Boe." - I think you should get Boe to pick up on the fact that these are an exact mirror image of the words Ethan used to describe Camron in one of the earlier chapters. Is that just a coincidence? Because you could really work something out here!
It could be an unsettling moment for her and almost something of a hint as to whats to come?
AHHHH! Where is the rest of this chapter? It's just fallen off at a perfect more and I'm dying for more. There's nothing left to read! I'm too excited to read chapter 7 and I hope it's up soon. Message me when the time arrives.
Good luck and HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
Hey Katy!! Review time!!
*wink wink*
Okay, this may sound stalkerish, but I have been following this series with keen interest. Mostly because,well, I really liked it
I didn't comment or reviwe on any of them. I know,I know, I'm sowwy. But thats why I'm here to review this one. At last, right?
Anywaaays, Ithis was quite the short one. I would have been more happy, if you'd made this a bit longer and made something happen here. Because I'm pretty sure no one would want to read a chapter that only consists of the lead character acting like a child.
I'm not saying Boe is a child, but I have to admit, she was being a bit whiny in here.
Okaay, so before I begin with the nitpicking, I would really be happy, if you actuallly make osmething happen. Because, its been six chhapters, and she's only going out on a date. So I suggest you make something happen
Although, by the sounds of what you mentioned in the last, something's definitely going to haaappen
Ookkaaay i would nitpick a lot, but clearly my friend Black has done an excellent job on it already
Sooo I'll just say this:
Try to fit in as many descriptions as possible. Because it feels like there's only dialogues and very less of whats happening around Boe.
Okay thats all for my review!
As you know, I'm reaaallly intrigued about this. So if you could inform me when you write the next one, I'll be forever grateful!
Keep writing!
-Divz
Hey Katy, Black here for a quick Review Day Review.
So first off, this was pretty good. Obviously, after reading just a few lines, I can see that this is a romance (and, of course, the title helps) . . . and you did a decent job with it (though I think your warning at the end is a bit premature -but I'll get to that later). I really appreciate your style and pacing as well. Your description could do with a bit more care, but you did okay with as well.
What I didn't like was mainly in your grammar and spelling (though your description and theme/ idea have some problems). I'm going to start with your description problem> The problem is simple: YOU HAVE PRACTICALLY NO DESCRIPTION. Obviously this isn't a first or second chapter so a lot of the basic explanation is already taken care of . . . but we poor starving readers DO need more than THIS!
I mean: Is it late at night (I'll assume that it's night in the first place seeing as they're going to supper -but there's no telling)? That's a simple, basic question you need to answer. But I'd also love to know about those lights flashing in the edge of 'her' vision as she drives down the road. What she see's Camron as. Things like that. Little things like the color of the car or her dress can really help to ease things up (and if you are careful then they won't hurt your story).
Anyway, you need to work on the imagery in your description, and you need to have more of it. Point made. Next: Your Theme/ Idea. What I don't like here is that this is turning out to be a very empty romance. I'm assuming the 'upcoming sex scene' isn't taking place on TV . . . and if my assumption is right then you're going too fast. Look: Some people LOVE horrible people, they love people who just kill, murder, and are 100% evil all the time. Don't ask me why, but some people do. However most of us don't. MOST of us like GOOD characters.
If you have a character anywhere inbetween the Good and Bad far margins, then that character's going to be a bit simplistic. I advise you to have your main characters be all the way on one side of the equation, or all the way on the other. Have them be bad (keep them like they are), or make them good (make them pure, honest, kind). And a sex scene at chapter six is premature. It kills a lot of the 'romance' in the story, before the story's six chapters along. Just an opinionated warning!
Now finally for your Grammar and Spelling!
Okay, be careful admitting something that you can show. Do you think you can show she's uncomfortable without actually saying it. If you think so, then do so -it'll improve things a lot. Also, the first period would do a lot better as a colon (showing something leading up). Also, you use 'looking' twice in the same sentence, that's not good. Get a thesaurus and replace one of them! Also, don't you again think you could SHOW that he has passion in his gaze instead of SAYING it. If you show then it'll PROVE it to the reader (on the lower level). Finally, I'd like to say that a question mark needs no comma/ period/ colon/ semi-colon in with it -improper spelling. Oh, wait, that's not last -you need a comma after 'asked'. Make sure you understand what punctuation marks DO to your writing and be conscious of it.
Okay, the fact that she's 'huffing' SHOULD show that she's annoyed. Don't SAY it as well. That throws things off and is unnecessary fodder.
You need to SHOW he's waiting for her answer (through her reaction). Don't say it! Have her look into his 'blue eyes' for a moment before she suddenly notices he seriously wants an answer. You need a comma after 'you' as well. REMEMBER TO LOOK UP WHAT PUNCTUATION DOES TO YOUR WRITING! Also, try to use a bit of monologue (thoughts) to show what she's feeling. It helps your readers get up and close to your characters (thus enhancing the emotions
Uh, okay, a number of things. First: Keep an eye on your language on this site. Don't use cussing if you can help it (it'll increase your sales when you publish for real). Two: Her reaction is unrealistic. Why would she be like this? If she cares about him worth a nickle in hell, then she'll humor him. Watch your character's reactions. They define WHO they are: REMEMBER, THESE CHARACTERS ARE PEOPLE!!! Remember that and you can treat them as such -making them much more interesting. Finally: Why do you always use the ' one day." He answered.' style to end dialogue, with a period and then a description sentence? You really should try to variate a bit. Using comma's instead of periods in situations like this can really help to ease things up a WHOLE lot.
First: REMEMBER TO USE MONOLOGUE. It can REALLY help you (p.s. I like this here part). Also, if you're going to have the guy kiss the girl then A: describe it in explicit, every detail, every thought, ever feeling . . . or B: just use 'turned me around and kissed me'. Don't have this 'turned me around to kiss me' stuff. It kills the moment.
Okay, I can do this for all night (being a nazi like I am), so that'll have to be enough for now. I advise you to try to SHOW things instead of SAY them, use more monologue, watch how fast you pace things (and why you pace them at the rate you do), describe feelings and details . . . and yeah, that's it. But really: Good job. This really wasn't bad. A bit of work and you'll be well on your way! Good luck! And remember: KEEP WRITING!
P.s. If you want to follow up on this review then PM me! Also, if you wanna be really nice, then PM me and rate this review for me on a scale of one to twenty. I'll love you for it! Also, feedback is appreciated even for reviews!
~Black~
Ok..
Short is a.... yeah, this was VERY short.
Ok, well. I want to see more. And I may not review the next work then.. Yes yes, maybe I will..
This needed simply more, I didn't get any meat off the bone here.
This is really dry and it needs more meat on the bone.
It was good, but I need more!
Anyways, it was good.
Thanks,
ShadowWings, a.k.a. pegasusgirl2
I hate the shortness!! But, please can you start with more details? I want to know everything about everything in this story... that's what any reader would want. But thank you for another chapter. This was really good, and i can't wait to read more. Please get back into a writing mood! i want more!