Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I fumbled with my bag, looking for my house key. I couldn't find it. It was simply gone from the zipper pocket I stashed it in. When I turned around, Camron was already gone. Too bad. The keys could have easily fell out my bag into his truck.
I banged against the door for my parents to come open it. No answer. I already knew what they were doing. Most likely passed out form drinking too much. Leaving me stuck outside in the darkness of the night.
Great. Now what am I going to do? There's a window on the out side of my bedroom I could easily slide open.
I grabbed my bag and started walking around back. I don't mind being the dark. When I was younger, I'd sit in my closet trying to avoid hearing my mom and dad auguring. The dark was where I could easily escape form reality.
I finally reached the side of the house where my room was. I was able to slide the window open, and push my legs off the ground to climb in. I lived in an okay house The out side was kinda trashy, but the inside was always neat.
As I got inside, I noticed something, a someone, sitting in the chair near the corner of my room. He or she was not moving. It was dead silent.
I crept alittle to my right to turn the light on, my heart racing 100 mph a secound. My hand slid against the cold red paint of the wall. I still couldn't find the light switch.
I started panicking. It has to be here, I told my self. I have to stay calm and be rational. My breathing coming quicker and quicker. I finally felt light switch and turned the lights on.
The lights woke up a very sleepy Ethan. I was instantly relieved. It wasn't unusual for Ethan to visit me. We're neighbors.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say after the adrenaline disappeared from being almost freighted to death.
"I told you I was stopping by." He said while looking at me with confusion. "Did you forget I was coming?" He asked.
"I guess I did." I was tired and didn't feel like talking. "Ethan. Can we please talk tomorrow? I'm really tired from my fight, and everything that happened tonight." I said pleadingly.
"Boe," he said looking directly into my eyes. "There's some things you need to know."
"Like what?" I asked skeptically.
Ethan looked at me with very serious eyes. Never breaking eye contact as he said, "Camron isn't who you think he is. He's not like us. He's different."
My brain wouldn't comprehend what he was saying. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. I won't believe it.
"Ethan, there is nothing wrong with Camron. He just prefers being alone." I said in an almost defending manner.
"Boe, I can't say anymore. But please be cautious." He looked towards the floor at his black vans.
"Ethan, we will talk tomorrow." I said in a dismissal tone.
"I care about you alot, so please be careful for my shake. Bye Boe." He looked at me one last time before climbing out the window.
I'm not sure how I felt about Ethan saying what he said. It almost offends me that he isn't happy for me. I know he's telling the truth. Camron has a very mysterious side to him, that I have yet to unravel.
I refuse to believe he could hurt me. Maybe that's not very wise of me, but it's my decision. I changed into my favorite pajamas, a over sized Mikey Mouse tee shirt and gray sweat pants.
I crawled into my bed very happy I could finally rest. I was beyond exhausted. Im can not wait to have my dinner date tomorrow. I earned it.
I drifted off to sleep fantasizing about Camron.
I was in the woods. I smelt trees, flowers and dirt. I couldn't see anything, it was pitch black. I knew I was not alone.
Something, or someone was out here too. I heard foot steps coming closer and closer. Then suddenly I could hear a voice. A voice that sounded far away.
"Be careful."
"Be careful." It sang. Over and over again. I put my hands over my ears to block the painful voice.
Then suddenly I was falling. I feel into the open floor of my room with my blanket wrapped tightly around me.
My alarm clock was beeping, that it was 7:00 am. Shit. I over slept. I have training today!
I hurried and jumped out of bed, took exactly a five minute shower. And flung some gym clothes on.
I didn't have a car so I jogged across town. I didn't have the money to buy a car and my parents weren't going to get me one, all they have spent their money on was beer and liquor.
I've been saving up though. I almost have $ 700.00. For a car. So hopefully someone will be willing to sell me one for cheap.
As I ran to the gym, I skipped eating. Which was a very horrible habit of mine. It was dangerous. But sometimes I couldn't afford to eat. So I was used to it.
As I as opened up the gym door, Ethan was leaving. I was trying to catch his eye, he didn't even bother looking at me. I was confused. He always tagged along and stayed after extra for my practice. This time, he didn't.
I went in anyways and shrugged. He must not have of woken up on the right side of the bed today.
After practice it was already ten, and I was staving. I decided to go to Joes Place. I walked in the familiar dinner. It smelled of coffee and sweets. This place was one of the places I could easily hide out and relax. I sat in my usual seat, and took out my notebook and started to draw.
My hand was making strokes against the paper. Before I realized what exactly I was drawing, the waiter interrupted me.
"Hey Boe, you want the usual?" Said Eddie. The best waiter in the entire world.
"Yes please." I said wanting to get back to my sketch. Then the waiter left me.
I looked at my drawling and it was Camron's dazzling eyes. I quickly shut it. Embarrassed that I had drawn something so out the ordinary.
Eddie came back with my eggs and bacon with toast, and I hurriedly scarfed it down. I quickly paid.
I was walking out as Ethan walked in.
"Where did you go this morning?" I asked kinda hesitantly.
"None of your business." He snapped at me.
I looked down at my Nike shoes and said, "Okay Ethan. Be a freaking jerk, but don't be one to me. I don't deserve it." And with that I walked out the door as Ethan called my name.
________________________________________________________________________
Hey guys! Thanks so much for the feedback. It means a lot to me! I'm glad ya'll are enjoying the story! I'm sorry about the typos, it's just sometimes I write so quickly I dont catch them all. Oh, and Camron's name is pronounced Cam-ron. Not Cameron.
Anyways, Thanks so much for all the feedback. I really appreciate it and I'm trying my hardest to take ya'lls advice. I'm even reading chapters out loud as a member passed that tip to me. (Thank You! It really has helped!).
Xoxoxos,
Love Katy.
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139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hi again, Katy- here for chapter 4!
I'll try not to repeat anything I've said in previous chapters too much as I'm sure you don't wanna hear the same thing over and over again. What I liked about this is a change of tone from Camron, he now seems to be mad at the MC and its actually getting quite interesting- I like how you've left the story too. I also like how we now know why she's a boxer.
Something I thought was a bit freaky was Ethan's character here. He's sort of gonna from her adorable best friend to a creepy over protective father or something. I was also surprise at her reaction to him being in her room, just waiting for her. Is that not just a little bit creepy? I mean even if they are good friends, it's still a bit weird.
Here, saying he's different could just mean he has different coloured hair or something. Obviously, that's not what's going on here, but she kind of reacts loads to a plain old sentence which is a bit strange.
I thought she was poor and didn't have this kind of money to be splurging on gifts...
Okay, I said I wouldn't repeat myself too much, so I'll try and be specific here. I'd like to see a bigger description about her house. Her family seem to be, well, not entirely a family, and I'd like to see more of a description here of their house. What does it look like, smell like etc. Maybe you could show that it's quite dirty and run down by the smells there are.
Overall, this again, good addition to the story. I like how these characters are getting more levels to them, more is revealed about them which is absolutely great. Remember not to be shy on descriptions! Well, I hope this review helped. If you have any questions feel free to PM me, or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep on writing!
-Arc x
(getting to chapter 5 now
Thanks for clearing up the whole Cam-ron/Cameron thing. I would have liked if you mentioned that earlier. I was confused. I just thought you were spelling it wrong. It would have made sense earlier if you mentioned that Boe's parents were drunks in the beginning. When you talked about her dream, at first I couldn't tell it was a dream. You should probably make that a little more clear the next time you write about a dream. And make sure you correct your spelling. But overall those little things, this chapter is better, you're quite the writer, Katy. I don't want more, I NEED more!!!!
I like the way you haven't given Boe the perfect homelife. It makes the reader relate to her better and makes her more believable. It also gives us a bigger insight into why she is the way she is and why she would be attracted to Camron in the first place.
'freighted' – 'auguring' - This is the type of misspelling that people are picking up on. I know how easily it's done but it is distracting. You need to try really hard to proof read your work before you post it so that people won't lose interest. HOWEVER, NOT THAT I WILL
Even though I want to know what Ethan is just about to tell Boe - surely she should be a little more eager to know what information he has for her. She just said that she hadn't ever heard of a family feud before so wouldn't she want to know what Ethan has to say?
Maybe you could have the dream section in Italics?
I'm still hooked so I will be reading the next chapters. All I ask for is a little more description. I want to know what she looks like in the morning, what her bathroom looks like, what her bedroom looks like. Just remember that we want to see what you see.
ONWARDS.
Olive <3
I need you to give me details. Just think when you write...DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS!
Because if you think about it, everyone will ask you, what did this look like, or what did they look like, what did those look like, what was that supposed to look like. Since this isnt a movie or a picture book the picture cant be shown to us. We, as the reader, have to come up with it ourselves. So DETAILS are our clues as to what the writer, being you, is trying to show us. This is your world, we are just merely looking at it and experiencing it. I personally hate guessing what someone or something is supposed to look like. Like the picture of his eyes...yes, i know they look like a pair of eyes but what expression did they show, what made them special. Every question of anyone here will be answered if you took the time to write details.
The typos...I know when you really get into writing you don't notice them, but that's why they have this thing called proof reading. I do it, along with everyone. If there's a red line change it, if it doesn't sound right then change it. I know, every once in a while you'll miss something, but having that many in a little area means you didn't look over very well. And since the chapters aren't that long at all it would only take you a few minutes to review what you wrote. There isn't a dead line for this site. Take your time with your work, make it as good as you possibly can. Because this is reflecting on you as a writer, you have a very good story going and it can be easily made better than it already is.
I will defiantly be reading on, because i'm hooked. Just one more thing, were is the mature material? This is very conservative. No cursing either, but i don't know what you have in store so i cant wait to read on!
Ohh...
Well, this one could have been a little better.. I think you need some commas... Yes commas.
Shake is sake.. For the sake of me.
Im is I'm.
Well, this was good, and I would have liked more detail on that picture of Camron's eyes.
The typos do get annoying, but I still want to read it!
Thanks,
pegasusgirl2
Okay, I lied, I decided to read another section.
And thankfully, it has improved drastically.
I admit, I enjoy reading this as it holds my attention while at the same time being short and rather interesting. I do have a problem with the reality of this. If Ethan and Boe were good friends, he wouldn't be afraid of sharing his hatred with her. He has no reason to be angry at her when he's explained nothing to her.
Despite this, I ignore those and try and focus on the good parts.
I really think you should try and put more detail and thought into this. I've said this before, it has the possibility of being a great novel, but there are things that has to change to make it eye-catching.
For me, it's neither here nor there, and please don't think I'm doing this to upset you or make you self-concious. I enjoy reading this, it's one of those books that is great for passing time, because it is easy to follow and is great because it keeps me interested.
A great addition to the story as always. By the way, I can definitely relate to the typo problem - I always write too fast, read back what I've written and discover that, sometimes, it's complete gibberish. I really like the way you're developing the relationship between Ethan and Boe - I sense a love triangle here perhaps. A few things you might want to look at in your writing.
This bit doesn't make sense. Either her heart should be racing at a hundred miles per hour or a hundred miles per second but somehow it's doing both.
Some of your sentences aren't sentences. In a lot of places you've written two sentences where you only need one. Here's an example:
The first sentence doesn't make sense but you can combine it with the second using a comma where your full stop is.
"My breathing coming quicker and quicker, I finally felt the light switch and turned the lights on."
There are a few similar examples. When you read back through, check that every sentence has a subject and a verb in the right tense. The good thing about this is that correcting these mistakes creates complex sentences and will improve your writing even further, killing two birds with one stone.
Also beware of tense. You start in present tense so you have to stay in that all the way through. Occasionally you slip into past tense. This is another problem that I sill have now. Mostly, you just need to read and reread what you've written over and over and specifically look for these things. You won't always spot them all. No one can spot everything in their own writing. That's why editors and proof-readers exist.
Can't wait for the next instalment, which from your speedy updates so far I can guess will be very soon. Good luck with your writing.