Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter One.
"The name is Boe." I said, as I entered the fighting arena. An underground illegal practice. A girl has to make money somehow. Can't be blamed if my only resources are bare fist. All I can hear is the chanting of the crowds for Nicky West to win. He is a co-fighter in my league.
"Right, this way Miss. Boe, The changing rooms are in that hallway," he pointed his index finger to a dark part of the arena, "yours is first to the right." Said the guy with a black tee shirt, that reads "security", and a name tag that reads Jim. I was just happy to be out of that long line of waiting people to be seated.
"Thanks Jim!" I yelled though the roaring of the crowd. As I walked to the changing room, I saw Camron DeBrisky.
Uhhh ohhh. What a hunk. He is a God.
Fucking stop it Boe. Stop thinking of how manly and muscular he is. His dark Brown eyes and black hair that matches his complexion... His black v neck tee, and his tight black jeans, and those shades.. He is...
STOP BOE. Remember last time you talked to him? He bitched at you for looking in his direction. Stop it damn brain. You don't know what's good for you.
I quickly snapped out of fancyworld, when I reached the door to the changing room. I prepared myself mentally with a prep talk. I'm going to rock this fight. I'm the best, I have to be.
Cameron creeped back into my mind.. What would it be like to be him. He's here at every fight, never bets just watches with his friend. Snap out of it!! I demanded my self to stop.
After I finished changing into my black tank, spandex shorts, and my black tennis shoes, and put my long dark hair that was down to my butt in a high ponytail.
I was ready to rumble. Im not nervous. I was ready for this torment with my opponent and enemy Carla. I was ready to win.
I stepped out the changing room, didn't even bother to look up, and BAM.
I ran right into the arms of Camron DeBrisky. And he didn't seem to incredibly happy about it.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Romancing The Devil: Chapter TwoPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hiya Katyy!
So I think I'm just gonna go ahead and review all of your chapters here, or at least try to. I mean i'll definitely review all them but not all necessarily today. Anyways, onwards and upwards with the review, what I like about this is your character Boe really. At least, what I've gathered from her and I like how she does illegal fighting. It makes her seem mysterious, and gives her character loads of different levels which is cool.
My first suggestion here is to add more descriptions, on a lot of things. Starting with Camron, what is it that draws her to him? I'd like to know more about his physical appearance so that in my head he's more than just a walking blank figure. Also, some descriptions of the surroundings would be quite helpful, so we can imagine what it's like and get a feel for everything. I mean, it's an UNDERGROUND and ILLEGAL fighting practise place, that's a big opportunity for you to use some great descriptive words.
Also, I wanna know more more about Boe and why she's there. I might be a bit early here, and you'll probably talk about her in future chapters, but still, this is pretty important because I mean, why is she in an illegal fighting practise? Why *can't* she make her money through other means? Elaborate!
Overall this was an interesting first chapter and I'd like to read more. I like how you've given the girl quite a manly sport (not to say females can't do this sport), but it's not exactly what people expect and it's always good to challenge the readers expectations! I guess because this is so short you could add in some more descriptions. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep writing!
-Arc x
GOOD MORNING! Here to review your chapters for review day so you'll be seeing a lot of me! Here goes!
This really made me laugh. I'm a big fan of the author Kresley Cole (I don't know if you've heard of her too) but this really reminded me of her stuff. You should take a look!
I like the character of Boe already & I'm DEFINITELY looking forward to finding out more about Camron. I'm a sucker for a handsome male lead!
I like that Boe isn't a typical girly girl - I can't wait to read more!
The only critique I really have is to brush up on your descriptions. I don't really like the word, 'butt'. I think you could make her sound a lot more seductive and mature.
I'm moving onto the next chapter NOW!
Olive <3
I thought it was very interesting so far. I would like if you'd mentioned why she had to make money participating in the illegal fights and I think you are a very good writer, but you need more details. BUT NOT TOO MANY!!!! (I'm saying that because I tend to give a lot more details when I write than I need to.) Is Camron's name pronounced Cam-er-an or Cam-ron? I was hoping you could clear that with me, I wasn't sure.
*I'D LOVE TO SEE MORE!! IF YOU PLAN ON TURNING IT INTO A NOVEL, I HOPE YOU GET THIS PUBLISHED IN BARNES N' NOBLE OR SOMETHING.
This honestly made me laugh! It was well written and I love how you had it to were she was basically mentally beating herself to not look at this overly attractive boy. I would have preferred to have this be longer, but hey, you have more chapters! Which I'm about to read. Because this one caught my attention. You portrayed Boe wonderfully and I can get a good sense of what she is like. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read the next chapter!
First off, there's really no reason to mark this as Mature or 18+ unless you intend to write a sex scene later on in the story. I don't think putting 'butt' in makes it mature content.
Secondly, I like this, as it is short, easy to read, and understandable. I like the ending, when the main character runs straight into Camron (Or Cameron? It's spelled differently at one time), and I want to know how this encounter ends.
Thirdly, I want to know if she wins the fight with Carla. Will she embarrass herself in front of Camron? Or will she be heroic in front of him?
Very well-written opening chapter, if a little too short, I will read the next one immediately.
Thank you for your feedback! I plan to write a sex scene later on. Thanks for reading!
Xoxoxoxs,
Katy
Hhahaha!
When I saw mature, I was thrown off for a bit, the language is mature, maybe not the read it's self.
This is pretty funny, I like how you describe her constantly trying not to think about him when she really wants too.
Maybe tells us how old she is, why she likes him, as looks aren't always the reason for some.
I like this and I wanna see more, please! MORE.
Maybe describe her more, more of the surroundings, yes she's in love with him, but give us some ideas please!
Thanks,
pegasusgirl2
Hi,
I like the story, an interesting idea and you give a good idea of what the main character's like right away. There are a few technical things that could improve it.
I think you meant for that first comma to be a fulstop. You should put the who says the speack after the first break in the speach and there are some places here where you need to start a new sentence really. I rewrite it to show you what I mean.
"Right, this way Miss Boe. The changing rooms are in that hallway," said the guy with a black tee-shirt that read "security" and a name tag that read Jim. He pointed his index finger to a dark part of the arena. "Yours is first to the right."
This is one way you could write it that would make more sense. Also, with the tee-shirt discription, be aware of your tense - you should still be in past tense.
A comma doesn't work here. You could try a semicolon or a hyphen; personally, I'd go for the hyphen.
You don't need the last two commas in this sentence because of the ands.
Again, check your tense here - you slip into the present again.
Apart from that my main bit of advice would be to combine some of your paragraphs; they're quite small and you don't really need to start as many new paragraphs as you have. Every time you start a new paragraph you break up the text and this interupts the flow. If you put some of them together I think this will be a brilliant piece, very punchy and to the point. I'll keep an eye out for more. In fact, I'm going to go read the next chapter now.
Thanks for the feedback! I'll be sure to do corrections.
wow this is amazingly interesting. I LOVE IT! Keep writing more and more, it's just incredible! I really want to know what happens next!
Thank you so much! I just updated,
So enjoy!
Awesome !!! Very interesting !!! I'm waiting for the next chapter
Thank you TONS.
I just updated so enjoy!