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E - Everyone


by JoyDark

I sit on this couch

Let the wind from the fan whistle through my ears,

In one, out the other...

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

I was lost in clouds,

Riding on silver wings through a midnight sky

Adorned with thousands of suns;

I sit on this couch

And mellow, melt into cushions,

Feel my consciousness slip down, down...

Why can't I stay this way?

I don't know how other people feel,

But to me, limbo is the best feeling in the world.

You know, the place between night and day?

The place between sleep and awake?

I'm not sure if I should close my eyes

Or keep on pretending your conversation interests me.

Or keep on pretending I am one-sided,

Completely devoted to dark or light,

That that is where I want to be.

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31 Reviews

Points: 2199
Reviews: 31

Tue Mar 31, 2020 3:52 pm
Alfonso22 wrote a review...

I like this poem. Both humorous and significant. Takes me back to when I was a kid in the fifth grade and used to daydream looking out the school-room window over the rubble from demolished building towards paradise-like Branchbrook Park.

Had the teacher who always pointed it out and called me dizzy D. Kids started calling me that as well. I like the stream of thought style that open a window into the speaker's inner sanctum.

Makes me imagine someone spouting philosophy or some other matter of deep concern for him while the one on the couch responds with "U huh! Yeah! Good! Good! Yep! Really? " and he is so engrossed with his fanatical blabber, that he doesn't even notice the disinterest!

Expressions that I particularly like were:

Let the wind from the fan whistle through my ears,

In one, out the other...

Absolutely hilarious! LOL!

Riding on silver wings through a midnight sky

Adorned with thousands of suns;

Very elegant imagery!

Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

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Points: 215
Reviews: 2

Sat Mar 21, 2020 4:29 pm
Athanasius wrote a review...

First and foremost, I must praise the emotion that this piece evokes in me. There's a sense of lethargy, albeit a soothing one, in the tone as you write. It's peaceful in the way it seems to sway portraying a side by side comparison of examples meant to be opposites as are "night and day" or "sleep and awake". I found the repetition of sitting on the couch as a bit of a personification, where the reader might even comprehend that Limbo may feel like sitting in such a piece of furniture. Because the person is left with choosing to either succumb to the way the body relaxes upon sitting, or having to adopt a rigidity in the limbs, which is what requires the motion to stand.

I would also like to make a little side note, when I read the title "Limbo" I might have expected a poem of Life and Death, but I am pleasantly surprise to know my assumption was entirely wrong.

Lastly, despite the one little misspelling error of 'been' instead of 'between' where you write night and day (which for all I know, was done on purpose), the entire free verse in this piece is magnificent.

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Sat Mar 21, 2020 5:18 am
SilentSiren says...

I think that this is a great poem, I find your style very engaging. I know exactly the moments that you're talking about. I think my favorite part is when you snapped out of limbo into reality, it was a clear shift in tone. I read the previous comments, trust your guts when it comes to the stanzas. You could always find a middle ground too. Such as only splitting the poem is when the narrator shifts back to reality. Id love to see you play with that style more. Really well done. 10/10.

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373 Reviews

Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Fri Mar 20, 2020 5:07 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...

Okay, this was definitely an interesting poem. :)

I definitely enjoyed it. The tone is definitely a little *cheeky* but also pensive and I like the way you slip between them. In a world where many value productivity, it's hard to be a daydreamer or limbo-er without people calling you out for wasting your time. It's also hard to pretend to be someone you're not.

One suggestion I have is to split the poem into stanzas so that each has a distinct idea. Like you could make the first stanza the speaker's response upon realizing someone was trying to talk to them! Haha. And then move on to the couch and how limbo is awesome! And then finally you could talk about how the speaker is forced to fake interest and things like that when they'd rather be in "limbo".

I like the conversational style here. I feel like I'm listening to a friend muse to me! The same time though I also feel like maybe the wording could be a little stronger, more specific. This could be a personal preference but I like poems written concisely with exact wording.

Riding on silver wings through a midnight sky

Adorned with thousands of suns

This is clearly awesome. Being in limbo is awesome :P


JoyDark says...

Thank you for this feedback! I'll splinter this into stanzas. Any specific points where wording could be stronger? Or is all of it meant to be stronger?

JoyDark says...

Actually... I might not do stanzas. I personally just like it without the separation. If others say that I need stanzas, I'll add them. I just kind of like how it flows into itself. I'll probably look at this tomorrow, though, and completely change my mind.

PrincessInk says...

haha don't split it if you think it's better if not! you know best :D

in hindsight I think your wording is pretty good - I think it was more like the fact that there're some filler words that are kinda distracting. Though perhaps it's not very helpful advice if you wanted your poem to sound conversational.

The snow leopard is absolutely magnificent. It represents really what endangered species are all about.
— Jack Hanna