I put my weathered hands against this rugged wall;
Above me are two fulfilled birds intertwined in flight;
My biceps bulge and yet the barrier does not fall;
In the distance is bright day, but around me is black night.
~~
The wall is made of paper, my hands are made of ash;
They crumble as I make a last attempt to try and fight;
Why do my trains of thought always seem to clash?
Why did I think that I could afford this blight?
~~
So long ago I built this wall, when my hands were strong,
Thinking that it would be all too easy to smash;
And now I have arrived, but it has been too long;
My burden is too great to cross this gorge with one quick dash.
~~
The wall is made of paper, yes, but is as tall as trees,
And beyond it are a thousand more that I will have to cross;
If I had known that waiting would have cost me more of these
To fight in such little time?... I might not have this loss.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Sorry this isn't a review but I just wanted to say this is written so well. It is really relatable and yeah I it makes me feel guilty because I'm a big procrastinator myself. I could feel the struggle that's been discussed here when we try to finish our pending works that should have been done long ago.
right now also I'm just procrastinating and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna repent tomorrow morning x_xI could feel this pain inside me.
Great work!
Thanks, really!
Hey, Lia! Raven here with a review.
Well, if this ain't relatable then I don't know what is. I really appreciate the tone toward procrastination here--you paint it as a true struggle of the will. I so often see procrastination portrayed as a humorous hurdle (I myself am guilty of portraying it as such), but there is certainly a serious aspect to it that you capture very well here.
Your metaphors and diction are absolutely beautiful; I especially loved the line "The wall is made of paper, my hands are made of ash" and the imagery that evokes.
There's really not much critique I can give you here--I'm a sucker for poems like this and it completely threw me. I suppose if I had to give you one, I'd ask you to step away from the wall metaphor for maybe a stanza or two--give us another image of procrastination. It's always nice to have a variety of images to focus on, and you give us plenty, but there are so many other things that procrastination can be--a war, an empty inkwell, the sun beating down on a wilting flower. Explore a bit and see where your imagination takes you!
One last critique: In your final stanza, the third line is a bit ambiguous when referring to "these." I assume you mean the walls, but the wording could use a little tweaking.
As I said before, I absolutely adore this poem. It's awash with lovely adjectives and imagery, and your fresh approach to the procrastination problem was so great to see. Keep writing like this!
Wishing you the very best,
RavenLord
Thanks for reviewing this! I'm glad you liked the poem. And I'll look into your suggestions, I promise. This poem is rough, so I completely get your criticisms!
Also, those metaphors you suggested for procrastination are really creative! An empty inkwell? I would've never thought of that.
Thank you! I'm glad you found the review helpful.
You're already a great writer, so I had to scrounge around for something to criticize. Keep up the great work!
Hey there Lia5Giba! Tuck here with a review for you to sharpen my skills before RevMo. Let's go into it.
First impressions of this poem are that you used a lot of strong images, which is always an exciting start in poetry. You had a few consistent themes throughout that I felt were very effective and well-used, and I enjoyed the way you wrote very poetically rather than just literally. It's a very good beginning to the poem, so let's get into some ways I think you could improve it.
I didn't understand the mention of the two birds entangled in flight from the first stanza. While I appreciated the way you painted a picture of the entire scene, I didn't understand how it contributed to the overall message and metaphor that you were writing. There were some other places where it felt like you threw a random metaphor that didn't connect to the rest of the poem. These two lines in particular stuck out to me
Ideally, you could somehow connect these two lines, but otherwise, you're throwing out a mental image and then not closing it. Once again, this is not to say you should use less metaphorical language or less imagery, but rather that you should take your images full-circle so they are not left hanging.
Secondly, it felt that you were forcing the rhymes in some places, and therefore some of your creative abilities were compromised. Rhyme is certainly an effective device to be used during poetry and can be very helpful in maintaining flow and creating a sense of rhythm, but if it limits your word choice to the extent where your poem is not as strong as it could be, then it's not a worthwhile tradeoff. I'd suggest experimenting with just writing this without regard to rhyme, and then comparing the two to see if the word choice is worth putting that limit on your creative freedom.
And finally, you had some interesting choices with your punctuation and capitalization. Both of those devices are underrated ways to communicate a message in poetry, and I didn't feel that you successfully utilized them to their maximum potential. Creating more separated sentences could create emphasis for the shorter sentences and create the feeling of a long, flowing sentence for your longer sentences. Capitalizing only the beginnings of sentences could remove emphasis from words like "and" and "to" and place it on only the beginnings of sentences, subtly drawing attention to where you choose to begin and end sentences. It's definitely something to play around with! Don't be afraid to utilize small things like this to deliver a message on every level of your poem.
Overall, there were strong poems here and a pervasive feeling that many can relate to throughout this poem. There were a few images that weren't extended throughout the entire poem and therefore fell short, in my eyes, and also some subtle ways you could use grammar conventions differently to better make your point. When all is said and done, though, you have the bones of a strong poem and a strong narrative and poetic voice that I am sure will take you far in the world of poetry. I hope this review was helpful to you, and if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!
Best,
Tuck
Hey! Thanks for reviewing this. I completely agree on all of your points that you made. I'm not the best at rhyming poems, but I decided to give this one a shot, which is why it makes sense why my rhymes could seem forced. And I also get what you said about not letting images come full circle. I need to change that too, I know. I barely edited this, so there are ample mistakes. Concerning punctuation, I can play around with that if you want! Usually I just capitalize the beginning o each line because that's how I see most poems formatted, and it seems kind of like the default, if that makes sense. But I understand your comments on that too.
Thanks for all of your feedback, really!
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give you a quick review. The title of your poem instantly drew me in. I’m a master procrastinator myself, so I knew I would relate to this. It’s a beautiful metaphor for procrastination! I can definitely tell that you are describing procrastination, even though you don’t actually say the word “procrastination” in the poem. That takes a lot of talent and hard work.
I love your rhyme scheme that you used. All of the worlds clearly rhyme and are organised correctly. Also, your stanzas are very neat and easy to read. You have four lines in each stanza and have all of the punctuation in the right places. Your poem has a wonderful flow to it that adds a lot to the overall meaning of it.
My favourite stanza is definitely the third one.
Procrastinators think they can stop procrastinating whenever they want and that it will be easy. They don’t realise a lot of the time that it is a habit that’s really hard to get rid of. I’m trying to break down those walls, but it’s going to be a very slow process. This stanza rings so true. Procrastination is a wall that you just keep running into.
I wanted to mention these two lines of the poem because they are a little abrupt. The majority of your lines are like sentences, meaning that specific thought ends at the end of the line. However, this thought is put into two lines. It’s a little confusing and makes it hard to read. That’s just something for you to think about, it’s no big deal if it stays the same. Feel free to ignore my nitpicking!
Anyway, this poem was amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. You portrayed the struggles of procrastinators in a unique and colourful way. Keep writing!!
Thanks for reviewing this! I%u2019m glad you liked it. And I completely get why those last two lines seem jarring%u2014I%u2019m not a big fan of them myself, but I couldn%u2019t think of anything else. I can try to change it in the future.