Vocals: https://voca.ro/4raqv5mpuvb
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School starts and we head off to class
I meet up with my friends Dani and Cass
But when I see Jesse and her makeup is gone
Of course I ask her, Is something wrong
And she tells me that she and Justin broke it off
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And I wonder why
Over the summer they walked together
Stealing moonlit moments under midnight skies
She told me all about it
Sharing kisses in the rain
Flowers on her doorstep every Sunday
His tangerine eyes held all the love in the world
__
They were the golden ones
When they walked they shone brighter than the sun
But now Jesse's got purple eye bags
That she's never had before
She looks like she might fall to the floor
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And I wonder why
Anyone would want to take the life from her eyes
Was it all a ruse
This boy that stole a girl's heart and left it to hurt
Drowning in the rain
I can see her crying every Sunday
Her dark chocolate eyes holding all the pain in the world
__
And so I ask why
I ask Jesse why he broke it off
She just turned to me and sighed
And said he had a right to make that call
__
And I learned why
I learned that she thought it was just one night
Another boy she let spend the night
Justin learned all about it
He cried his eyes dry in the rain
Knew in his heart he couldn't let her stay
She tried to hold on
But they both knew everything they had was gone
And she lost what he gave: all the love in the world
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey! I noticed this amazing piece still doesn't have a second review, so I decided to step in.
First off, you're an amazing singer. Truly. Every "why" had me reeling because I kinda always knew you were this talented but WOW. That was impressive.
Anyways, I love the story you're telling with this piece. Showing both perspectives of the relationship was quite clever. It seems that the narrator was probably closer to Jesse than Justin, and of course notices all that's wrong with Jesse and puts the blame on Justin before seeing that it was actually Jesse's fault. I too have been through friend's breakups like this, and how I'm expected to hate their ex just because they broke up with my friend.
Another thing you do very well in this piece is showing not telling. It's a very masterful skill, and is evident in lines like
and
You don't need to say explicitly that Jesse and Justin were in love, you just let the reader draw that conclusion for themselves. And in the first example, you shift the tone when you say Jesse isn't wearing any makeup, and also later in the song when you mention her eye bags. There's obviously something bothering her, and even though you never say, it still comes across. So good job.
A couple critiques: in the beginning, you mention Dani and Cass, but they never really come up later in the song. It seems that they (or Cass, at least) was there for the rhyme, and, in my opinion, kinda clogs an otherwise beautiful piece. It seems trivial in the grand scheme of things.
I think if you wanted, it could benefit from a more pattern-like structure. Now it seems a little random. It still works, though, so this suggestion isn't necessary.
Also, I mentioned this in my previous comment, but I just love the line "flowers on her doorstep every Sunday." It's so beautiful, and symbolizes a relationship perfectly, with the perfect amount of sweetness and routine.
To close this out: impressive and gorgeous song. And like, if you ever want a piano accompaniment/instrumental aspect of it, you can send me a recording and I can see what I can do. (This is sorta a joke (but also not really I'm lowkey being serious here) but like... you wanna start a band?)
Thanks for giving this a review!
I%u2019m glad you liked the song. Your criticisms make sense, and I%u2019ll see if I can change the song. Also... I can forward you the link. I have it saved, so... yeah, I can send it. I didn%u2019t know you played piano!
Hello. I'm here to review the song. I like it, I love the rhyme and the way the lyrics flow. The story behind the song is interesting too, about a boy and a girl who were so happy they 'stole moonlit moments under midnight skies'. The golden couple that was not meant to be...The story has a twist at the end too. I was sympathising with Jesse, not Justin, she had bags under her eyes and she stopped wearing make-up. So I though, like the narrator, that he must have broken her heart. That was until I heardthat she cheated on him and I started feeling bad for Justin. My favourite lyrics were : Her dark chocolate eyes holding all the pain in the world, His tangerine eyes held all the love in the world, School starts and we head off to class/I meet up with my friends Dani and Cass,Sharing kisses in the rain/Flowers on her doorstep every Sunday. It is a beautiful song and I really like that it had a sort of moral to it: Don't judge too soon.
Thanks for this review! I%u2019m glad you liked the song.
AND SHE'S BACK, SERVING MORE IMPECCABLE LYRICS AND VOCALS. YES. ALL OF THIS. YESSSS!! I love this, so so so soo much. My favorite part is probably the "flowers on her doorstep every Sunday." I don't know why, but it says so much while saying so little. Incredible. I'm in awe.