I’ve got some words in my head,
But I think instead,
I’ll stick them in a box,
And put them on the shelf,
And that’s where they’ll stay,
Until I’m gone and dead.
-
You know, it’s a funny thing,
To hear yourself sing,
You get all alone,
And the music just starts loud.
But when you’re crushed by the crowd,
These bells of mine don’t ring.
-
Maybe I’m afraid,
Of what that other one just said,
But in the end,
I find that it’s all a matter,
Of being alone in this war,
And my words underappreciated.
-
I guess this tongue of silver,
Ink flows down like a river,
And stains into my carpet.
And there it will stay,
Until I come for it again,
When the years have grown a bit older.
-
This is my creed,
And all my dirty deeds.
But you just can’t stop them,
From coming out.
Words are my life,
And it’s how this writer feeds.
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137,924 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
I've been reading your poems and they all seem to sort of follow this sort of style that feels like rap because it's rhyming and because of the topics that you face. That's something that I wanted to bring up here because you use rhyme but not many other poetic devices and I think that your poetry is more lyrical than it is just poetry.
I'm not saying you have to sound like a super fancy poet, but you're just telling us everything here. There's not really any room to interpret because of this and I'm going to pull out the, "Show don't tell" rule because of that. It seems that your poetry is more topic-based and usually revolves around some sort of message or theme but that doesn't mean there isn't room for imagery or other things. Your tone feels insincere due to the rhyme and that's kind of how I feel around a lot of your poems because they're always a bit too silly to take seriously even though I think that the themes you touch on and use are valid ones.
I don't know if you took this approach on purpose or not but that's the way that I've been seeing this. More onto the actual poem, I thought that the concept worked well, especially the first two stanzas. The last three didn't really do as much for me and I got the overall, "I'm a writer look at me writing about writing." feel from the rest of it. The first two stanzas took a better look into what writing is like and that's what I thought that this poem should be like describing the late nights spent writing and the ache of it all. It's a broad topic, so I suggest you pick and choose.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thanks for that review Kaos!
I completely understand where you're coming from. I realize that everything I've uploaded so far is exactly like you say, which doesn't show for much. Rest assured I am capable of writing other, more true poetry, just haven't done anything with it.
But I agree when you say that the lyrical nature of it sort of drags away from the topic and the message a bit. I'm not sure if I want to go in that deep, but it's true that if I want to make more of an "impact," I'll have to make more of an effort.
Quite helpful. Thanks!
Very meaningful poem. You outlined the meaning and message of the poem very clearly which is good.
A few things:
One, in the first stanza,
"I’ve got some words in my head,
But I think instead,
I’ll stick them in a box,"
it doesn't flow very well, particularly the 2nd line, the syllables are completely off.
Perhaps next time you could put more care into the syllables of each line, like a limerick? That way it's more neat and flows better.
I also found it a bit difficult to read. The language you've used is good, but you've tried too hard to make it sound poetic that it completely overkilled it, thus destroying the poem pretty much.
However I do love your message and you portrayed it spectacularly, nice work.
- Tiana
Thanks for the review dystopianmonkey01! Good to hear from you. I do agree about the first few lines. It seems a bit choppy here and there. I'll probably go through and fix some of that, but I wanted to see what other people thought first. Also, thanks for your ideas of how this piece can improve. Always looking for that.