There's a message in my dropbox
A little note for me.
And when I strip it open,
I find a little thing.
It's called a love note
With words and lines sublime
I read it through again,
And now I'm feeling fine.
You shower me with kisses,
You let me know your feel.
I'm in love with you,
And we're gonna make this a deal.
There's some little X's and O's
Pasted all on the border,
And it's looking like we're close,
To that holy matrimony order.
I'll call and we'll set a date,
Perhaps sooner than later,
But wait...what's this sticker say?
"RETURN TO SENDER."
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Canary word: Present
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Nice twist!
Brutal.
Really quick and short because my headache is growing in severity, but I wanted to do this justice, and you need a big heap of justice.
First off, the matter of flow and meter that wrecks some of your integrity. Understand that meter can be broken if need be, and in this piece need be. Need very much be. You went as far as to break grammar and syntax and say "You let me know your feel."
That's horrific.
For flowsake, I'd say let the line breaks come more naturally with the cadence and let the meter do its own thing because, like it or not, meter will do its own thing in the human brain. It's how we're wired by school poetry. In my case, I'd double most line lengths so it's not so choppy. Given that freedom, you're able to fix your lesser mistakes and...just improve the natural shortcomings in the poem itself. The rhymes are fine--I don't mind them, but the syntax is what gets you.
Give it TLC. It'll thank you for it. Read, write, share, edit.
Ty
Well, this was just a random little thing that I chucked together in about thirty seconds, literally, so I agree with most of it. The whole point was to write something stupid for the sake of writing something stupid. I feel that if I were to go in and rework everything that you said, then it wouldn't be goofy and comical anymore, it would turn into a satire. But what do you think?
I like a good satire. I like poetry for comedy's sake. I like it when poets have a sense of humor--like you. So I say if you're feeling the juice for it? Go for it.
This is Kaos here for a review!
So this is a poem that solely builds up to the punchline for comedy. I don't really like these types of poems because all they do is try to focus and build up to the ending without really focusing on the rest of the poem. The other parts of the poem was just as important and should be treated as so. It's okay to build up to that last line, but when that last line has no really important lines before it, then it fails. A lot of the middle of the poem feels like filler just making some blank space until the end hits.
The structure of the poem isn't really that impressive to me? I suggest breaking it up into stanzas, perhaps with four lines in them if you're looking to keep this even? Usually I crack down on people who don't really have any variety in their line length but it didn't really become a problem here. Give us more images to help create the atmosphere of the humor here than just what you already have.
My basic opinion on this is that it's a cute one-off poem that didn't really take too much thought. I see potential in you being able to write stronger humor in the form of poetry, but that wasn't really here. Structurally and more in its wording, this felt like a mess. I suggest making the punctuation neater and cleaner, overall fixing that. The end of the poem is the thing I suggest saving, and re-edit through this to keep all the lines that actually strike humor in this poem.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Lol, agreed. This was the one that I wrote in like thirty seconds on your Way Pad. It's just stupid fun.
Hi. This is Kman134 here with a review.
Honestly, i have never received a love letter in my life. Though, not one that i know of. anyways, the feeling of someone who loves you, giving you something to show it is truly amazing. Especially one that expressed the longing to b together.
That is, until the end when you read "Return to sender". Realizing they don't love you back and consider you a stalker. This just shows that love isn't so simple and fairy tale-esque as you are led to believe. However, that doesn't mean you should lose hope. there's probably other fish in the sea.
This made me laugh a bit. i really enjoyed reading this. i hope you write more.
Actually, "Return to Sender" means that it was an undeliverable letter, meaning he was reading his own love letter to himself.
oh, that makes sense.
This made me smile.
) I love the irony with it.
Well, to be honest this is like my life. I fall for someone and they don't fall for me. I try and try but no one will love me. I know it will never work. I should stop trying I guess, because I've been hurt too many times to count.
I love this, how they got hopeful, then it was just destroyed. Just like what happens to me.
Really liked this, (did you base it off of my love life
You should write more ironic piece like this that will give people laughs.
-Hollywood
Thanks for the comments HollywoodUndead. It was good to see that someone enjoyed it.