(DISCLAIMER: This is not for or against anyone, especially our poor LGBT family out there. It's about something a little bit more important.)
I got gays and blacks
On my left and right.
Born to this world,
And living this fight
Of right and wrong,
And something in between.
You’ve got to look beneath the sheets
To see what I mean.
I’m talkin’ bout a war,
My friend.
A struggle for the souls,
Of men and mice,
And though we’re animals,
I know, you go,
And talk about the angels,
Ascended from below.
Show me, and let me see,
There is a darker side of we.
I’m human, and it’s pain,
We’ve all just gotta refrain.
From throwing the blame.
Got flamed,
All ashamed.
There’s only one thing,
That’s for free,
And it sure as day,
Isn’t gonna be me.
And so,
One question,
A tiny little thing,
And you might rave,
And you might rant,
But here it is:
Who’s gonna tolerate,
The intolerant?
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139,801 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
It was a really good poem. I loved how you used the rhyme and rhythm scheme throughout the whole poem so as it was a very good use of the internal and external vowels. The assonance and consonance helped it move along really great. It sent the message across smoothly with your choice of diction. Although I do think that you should make the stanzas a bit more prominent. I think that the formatting of the poem should make the verses a little bit more prominent so that it gives it more emphasis each time the stanza begins again.
It was a really good poem. I loved how you used the rhyme and rhythm scheme throughout the whole poem so as it was a very good use of the internal and external vowels. The assonance and consonance helped it move along really great. It sent the message across smoothly with your choice of diction. Although I do think that you should make the stanzas a bit more prominent. I think that the formatting of the poem should make the verses a little bit more prominent so that it gives it more emphasis each time the stanza begins again.
A review from me.
This hit hard. It was well written and it got the point across. I like how you wrote this. The part that hit me the hardest was
"Who's gonna tolerate The intolerant?"
I've been having a lot of trouble with being tolerant and I want to thank you for showing me that, so thank you.
You did a great job with this poem and I hope you keep writing more like this.
AnnMath
Hey, Aleta here for a review.
I got gays and blacks.
The word got seems pretty informal, especially in a poem. It almost sounds as if you own them? A different rephrase of this would make the poem more strong(unless you are talking in the speech of the narrator..)
And talk about the angels,
Ascended from below.
I wonder what this line means. Do you mean people that are considered angels because of their nice acts that live in the worst of poverty?
I liked the last line a lot, and the theme of the poem was clear and evident. I like how you worded it.
Thanks for those comments Aleta, much appreciated.
For the first line I wanted to make it obvious that this was a sort of quote-on-quote rap, so I threw in some less formal, more "Street-like" language. If it helps you to feel that, then mission accomplished. If not, then please let me know so I can rework it.
It does help me actually. I figured you were probably doing that but I wasn't 100 percent sure.