Ivan OrKry.
OrKry was a potion-peddler in 1665. OrKry conceived a potion that granted everlasting Life. OrKry tries to sell this substance but no one wants to buy.
Ivan invented immortality and loveliness everlasting.
But no one wants to buy from Ivan, I wonder why?
Ivan is a rude man and a lousy salesman.
He would nag nice people, call them “Ugly and fat” only so he could claim “But I can fix that!”
He would call customers “Incompetent, Ignorant, deformed and foul” he compared the choir-boys voice to a growl.
Yet his jaw would drop when people wouldn’t stop at his shop.
He never changes his strategy however, Ivan will heckle in every weather.
Ivan shouldn’t change just for them.
“Those morons don’t know what's good for 'em
I have offered them the secret to eternal youth
Yet they are sadly so uncouth, not to mention sore, sensitive, and tender as a tapeworm.
Oh well I guess I can't expect everyone to know how ta learn.”
And to this day Orkry is still trying but even after all these years no one is buying.
I wonder why?
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Canary word: Present
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So, we immediately learn he is a potion-peddler? Is a potion considered unlawful? The word peddler is normally used in the context of illegal substances, such as drugs, in a modern context. I do know that your context is of selling, and perhaps hawker or seller would be better?
This is peak sarcasm. I feel it is really dripping here. Which is not a bad thing, to be honest. You've did an okay job here.
The first sentence just kills of the sarcasm here, so perhaps remove it? Also, the second sentence is really funny, and shows how modern advertising is - "are you sad, bad, and being mad?" to perfectly sane, happy and good people - just to claim their product has some miraculous quality that will fix that. And, oh, NEVER. EVER. TRIGGER. CHOIR. BOYS.
This is the sarcasm I am expecting from piece, now on. Ivan seems to be both misinformed AND rudely ignorant while BEING extremely selfish.
Tim Cook - you wrote poetry? Nah, just kidding. But, this is a bit less sarcastic, which I'd want. Also "ta?" that should be "to".
And this is a good finisher.
Good job on this piece, it made me chuckle. You are a good poet and decent satirist. Keep it up, bro.
Hi!
Hi
fun poem story I don't really know much about poetry to really say how to approve or can I compare to other poems. As to my thoughts on the story, a fun silly idea of a man so sure of himself that it's other people's fault like that scene from the Simpsons. I enjoy that at the end it shows evidence that his potions work.
Hey there! Forever here for a review!
I feel pity for both Ivan OrKry and the people. Let's get to the review. I didn't really understand what the formatting is for. While reading this, it feels more like a story than a poem, a story-poem maybe... I don't really know but to me, it doesn't read like a poem. Maybe consider changing the format to the normal one and changing it to a story.
Grammatical mistakes
put a 'a' before potion-peddler
Wouldn't spelling mistake.
Either write it as will heckle or remove will
shouldn't spelling mistake
Those morons don't know what's good for 'em
[/quote]
put a comma after well and write cant as can't
It was great, kind of funny. I see that the person has invented some potion to grant immortality and none wants to buy that. This kind of proves that none trusts him and maybe, the people didn't trust in those things... He has a not-so-good behaviour. And yes, your writing has something great. By the timespan, you have managed to proof that the potion actually works.
Overall, a great job.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
~Forever
All right I have fixed those typos. thank you for the input.
This story is actually pretty different from my other works.
I simply thought of the character and put him out there.
A salesman with the key to Immortality, But he is a lousy salesman so no one will buy, and he blames everyone else for not listening to him.
Just stop and think of everyone this applies to.