*dances into poetry section*
Wee. I haven't been back here since my last slaughtering lol. Recently I wrote two bits of it though, for a friend, in less then 10mins each, granted but she won't shut up now so prove her wrong. Please.
**
A Celebration of You
When the light dies and darkness
blankets the world in starry brilliance
you burn brighter;
Neon lights, pumping music, rhythmic
movements—you give a breath
less laugh. A Goddess dances;
In an era of (dis)enchantment, through
the ashes of magic an ember remains
lit. A fresh breeze that blows past (renews)
broken relationships;
Intoxicating. A heady swirl of tantalizing
Electrifying elucidation—you
put the sparkle back in people’s eyes.
Shine on.
**
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Spanke caddy, for your comment.
Tis much appreciated. *pets*
Cheers.
I find this poem charming, but also a little wordy; that's what struck me on my first read and the feeling didn't wear off. I feel like the poem is a marshmallow dipped too many times in chocolate fondue...yes, I am hungry right now.
I love the way the parts in parentheses add a new dimension on what's already been said; that shows sophistication in writing.*returns with food* Now to critique.
Meaning. I suppose this is fairly straightforward; the title sums it up. A celebration of a special person, a singular person, etc. I don't feel as though there's more too it, but I don't think there has to be.
Diction. As I said before, this is really wordy. A lot of these words are unnecessary, in my opinion, or could at least be replaced by better ones.
For example, the word "radiance" strikes me as a little weird there; perhaps it's overused, perhaps its connotation just doesn't fit. You could say, "Something burns brighter" or "You burn brighter" or something else simpler than "One radiance." I get this feeling a lot in the rest of the poem as well...it seems like a lot of similar words are being used to describe the same sensation. I think you could condense it a lot; use just a few of the best words, one description.
Cliche. It seems to me that I've heard people/good things in general described as "a light in the darkness" countless times. Although your poem avoids the language of Hallmark cards or the vague sentiments of pop songs, I still feel that the idea wasn't addressed as well as it could've been. The last line especially makes me uneasy about the originality of the piece.
Also:
I'm hoping you meant "Electrifying", because if not, I'm terribly confused as to the meaning of "Eeectrifying".
-Colleen