Birth

That's nice, thank you very much. Its not often my poetry is praised; tisnt my strong point but I do hope to improve.


Thanks all, much appreciated.

Cheers.

Jiggity wrote:In the depths
of darkness pulsing,
within and yet not
apart of; earth,
rich and moist... (beautiful! the images are so....so.....good! haha, for lack of a better word. your punctuation is strange but fantastic!)

something stirred. (I like how this is set off by itself.)

Comforting warmth leaked,
seeping out of lethargic
awakening, heating water
that enveloped no longer
a fitful dormancy. (not as marvelous as the first, though still great. 'lethargic awakening', I thought was an exceptional phrase.)With a rushing roar,
sloshing and a-splashing,
the world gave way. Through
a slimy tunnel of intransigent
stasis, it fell into-- (again, I love your punctuation. it reads so smoothly. and the image is still going strong.)

Riots of colour
interspersed with explosions
of alternating pitch as
the earth groaned, distended
protusions deflating. (references to sound and color; good, good.)

With its arrival, the earth
swelled, joyous. But the sun bled
red fire into the blue, fleeing
the skies welcome embrace;
darkness fell, upon
the birthing of Man. (the ending seemed a little rushed. I would suggest drawing this part out more and maybe shortening the beginning, if that's the effect you want to go for.)

a good poem, but watch your words. Too many big, chunky words can slow some readers up and make them give up on your poem.

my creative writing teacher told me that genius is when you make the complicated, simple.

so I know you will hate this, but try and put that poem as simply as possible, and still mean the same thing.

I still loved the poem, but i just thought that if you read the poem aloud, you might stumble over the words.....

anyway,best of luck

Lol, yes indeed, I have tried my hand at poetry once more. I'm not terribly good, which is, I think, the reason I keep coming back. Not being good at some form of writing irritates me, so I will continue to try.

Thanks for the comments!

hey this was good and i agree with Claudette but anyways it was good and I could not find anything else wrong with it. so keep it up.

Trying your hand at poetry again, I see?

Some verses I had to reread to pick up on what was being said (Which is not your fault, but mine!) and over all I think the idea is the birth of man from the ground? Though, I'm terrible at reading poetry like this. Flat out bad. Where you have to look past the words, while looking at what they mean exactly. Or am I becoming too deep? Hee hee

I liked your word choice, and how you rhymed on some occasions, it fit perfectly though there was rhyming no where else. It flowed, I would say, rather well. I liked "But the sun bled red fire into..." Those two words next to each other worked nice.

My only complaint is one of punctuation:

Comforting warmth leaked,
seeping out of lethargic
awakening, heating water
that enveloped no longer;
a fitful dormancy.