The picture
the eyes perceive;
the skin deep cover
an empty scaffold
waiting to be filled.
There is
nothing there but
pastel colours
and botox emotions--
the cover up
of absence.
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Canary word: Present
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140,483 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Whew. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Brad had replied, but it wasnt so bad. Truth be told I myself am a little uncertain as to what the hell I was writing, so that must have shown. I realised later that the idea I was trying to convey failed and I'm a little more certain now. Will revise. Thank you all.
teeheehee, thats not how you spell colors.
*silly australian*
Anyway, I liked, and was a bit confused by paragraph 2 also. I think wiggy suggestion would help but also you may consider removing the word 'up' is the second to last line.
Since you used the cover in the first paragraph to establish what I understand to be the cover of a magazine, to use the word cover to conceal reality from that subject, is... well, confusing. Or you could change cover up to conceal or somthing.
I dunno, mine are not really critiques, but just telling you what I think.
Jiggity,
I see a dignified attempt to create something. What?--I'm not certain it's complete, but at present it's an idea that has been rehashed a few times too many to make it worth remembering. I do not know where you wish to go (or not go) with this, but I would suggest using it to motivate something a little less overused.
Best,
Brad
I liked it a lot! I would just change one thing in the second stanza:
I'd put the "but" on the second line. I just think it would flow better.
What type of poem was this supposed to be? It was very well done and I hope to read more of your work soon!
good
Pretty good,would have liked to see more of it.
The second paragraph was a bit unexplainable,and confusing.
Keep writing.