my heart pulses.
in tune with the world(s)
and their silent stories.
my soul throbs, wrung with the emotion
of a million men.
characters.
I hear the whispers
of untold tales: tendrils
filling the vessel,
waiting to be created.
my black blood spills:
the womb through which
Worlds are born
This is an old poem which some of you may remember from the brief, dark period of time when YWS shut down. Am thinking of revising or fixing it up. Opinions and suggestions wanted.
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140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hey there Jiggity,
I'm Lee, and here to review your poem. I doubt you'll ever see this, but it's a very nice piece that deserves more attention than it's received!
I'll begin by saying the title caught my eye, naturally. It's bound to be noticed and picked out amidst a dozen others on a writer's site, haha. The poem itself is really good, too. There's some nice imagery, and although the lines are short and simple I can sense a myriad of emotions a work here.
Let me just point out a few things I think can be changed:
I don't think there ought to be a fullstop here, seeing as how the sentence continues on to the next line.
Also, this is a general thought; I always feel that capitalizing the beginning of sentences in poetry adds gravity to the piece, you know what I'm saying? This doesn't hold true for all poetry, but this one, well, i think if you did that it would be aesthetically pleasing and somehow be a bit more powerful.
There's so need for the s to be in brackets, seeing as how you've said "their silent stories" in the next line, implying there isn't only one world. Besides, multiple worlds sounds way cooler
My friend, this one line summarized how I usually feel when writing. Great job.
Strong imagery, but I can't help but think you could have worded this just a little better. I felt slightly disconnected, because the lines don't fit in smoothly with each other to present a solid piece of imagery. It's like having just a couple of pieces missing in a jigsaw puzzle; the image is nearly perfect, but not quite.
Overall, I'm quite impressed. Like I said, it's a poem near perfection, at least according to me. It rung true with a lot of what I as a writer often feel, and thank you for that. It was like staring into a mirror. So yeah, even if you aren't around, you should know someone's fallen in love with your poem
I hope you keep writing, wherever you are. Good luck!
- Lee
Hahaha, thanks lexy. Tis appreciated.
Firstly I just want to say; This is really good.
And I enjoyed it.
What I liked:
"and their silent stories."
I like the alliteration and how it reminds me of a mime, lol.
"my black blood spills:"
This is powerful imagery, a bit gross but powerful!!!!
What I didn't like:
"the world(s)"
I don't get the s in brackets?
"characters. " Might just me being dense but,
I liked this overall. I think its really good, I see you've worked really hard on this, well done
Lexy xxx
Thanks, changes implemented.
Hi, Jiggity--
I hear the whispers
of untold tales: tendrils
filling the vessel,
waiting to be created.
My black blood spills:
the womb through which
Worlds are born.
Hope this finds you well,
Brad
I like it. It's kind of hard to follow though. Great job.
Pandora