Reviews will be greatly appreciated.
Shoes
Shoes,
they carry the weight
of my world, footsteps
with two eyes, two ears,
a nose and a mind.
Shoes,
they work through
feet, tendons, tissues
to shift my universe
one step to the next.
And shoes,
they never complain.
Even when they stand.
ruined by the rain,
they still carry time -
its burden, so heavy
that even their souls
have shed a layer
of rubber. Lifeblood
faded away with the
butterflies that no
longer grace their
worn grey soles.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,625 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
Hi Jennya,here is Dark to give review on your poem.
As the title is,the contains also unique.I like how to gives the characteristic of the shoes itself.
-->It seems a bit odd but still I love the imaginary here.
The rhythm does not work so well in some part of your poem.Can you try to read it loudly?You can see which part that seems stiff.
The diction is good and well-written.But those last lines once again bring me into confusion;
#Lifeblood (the blood, as being necessary to life)-definition,but I don't know why you use this word in your poem.Does it related with the shoes?
faded away with the
butterflies that no
longer grace their
worn grey soles.-->Honestly,I don't get the real meaning here.Hope you can explain it to me soon^^
Well done,keep it up
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
I love the personification in this poem! very unique. It carries a good rhythm too. you did an excellent job with this poem. and it is very creative, I haven't seen many poems about shoes!
Starting my review, what is Lifeblood? Also in my mind, as I was reading the poem, I had a slideshow in my head. I also could see you in it. I also found out that I love to review poems. I can also see the shoes now.....they look nice... I know these are your shoes,or ARE THEY!? Probably they are! Since this poem wa short, this review is short because I don't have much to tlak about. What I meant instead of saying the shoes look nice, was I MEANT THE SHOE SLOOK HORRIBLE!
I love this~ Very unique, it's interesting and somewhat peculiar to think about how much shoes go through in a day. Some of the other commenters had issues with the layout, but I happen to like the way you formatted it. It read in almost a staccato way which I quite enjoyed.
My favorite lines would have to be --
'....Lifeblood
faded away with the
butterflies that no
longer grace their
worn grey soles.'
Though the word 'lifeblood' beside the end of the previous line threw me off ever so slightly, I love the eye for the everyday details in this line.
Wonderful job! ^^
Hello!
This was a very interesting poem. I liked how different it was from ones I've seen.
I like everything after the first little part. You use really good images, especially the last sentence:
That was a beautiful sentence, but I didn't really like the awkward placement of the lines. The lines are to short to really be able to read this beautiful piece of work really well. I think if you finished your sentence instead of just pressing enter/return whenever you wanted, the meaning would be clearer.
i.e.
"And shoes, they never complain, even when they stand.
Ruined by the rain, they still carry time -
its burden, so heavy that even their souls have shed a layer of rubber.
Lifeblood faded away with the butterflies that no longer grace their worn grey soles."
Even though that doesn't look as neat as those little short lines, I feel like it gets your point across much better. I would do that with all of your poem. It's like you're trying to hide your meaning behind your formatting, but I think your meaning is wonderful, and should be shouted from the roof. Screw pretty, we're trying to SAY something here!
I don't really like the first little bit with the ears and eyes and mind. I can see where you get the "eyes" from, I mean, the aglet hole thingies look kinda like eyes... but I don't really understand they "ears" or the "mind" or even the "nose." I suppose the tip of your toe looks rather like a nose, and perhaps the foot inside the shoe could be like a mind. I'd rethink this part if I were you.
The rest, it's great. I have nothing else to say except to keep writing!
~fortis
All right, I liked what you were doing with the poem, but it felt a little rough to read through. The "Shoes,/they..." was just rough to read [and in case you're wondering the slash means "new line" in poetry quotations"]. Otherwise it was fine until after the "And shoes". That section was pretty wordy comparatively. And the butterflies thing threw me, initially. Based on the imagery I was getting with all the things that shoes do, when you switched to a specific type of shoe I was thrown a little bit. Hope this helps!
I really enjoyed this poem, it was very creative and interesting. Just a note, it was little bit difficult to read the way it was formatted, but that is a minor thing and it may just be me. I like how you personified the shoes and really emphasized their importance. It was surprisingly very descriptive and lots of good imagery such as, "that even their souls have shed a layer of rubber". Overall it was greatly written, I just wish it was formatted in a better way so I could read it easier. Keep writing - Hsarver
Sorry but the spacing did not show up
there is meant to be a line break before "Shoes" "Shoes" and "And shoes".
If you go back and delete all of your "paragraphs" (where you pressed the enter/return key) except right after the line that's supposed to be further apart, and then press shift enter/return. The lines should then look more... normal. I hope this helps.