Grey faces on the tram reading newspapers
Two hundred dead in Brazil, toddler killed in a car crash
I’m listening to Marshall Mathers on my imaginary iPod
Wondering what it would be like to be just like them
Their cold stainless steel stilettos in the rain
Clicking clacking on cold cracked concrete
A man falls, lands broken on the platform
But he is faceless, like thousands before him
But not in a bowler hat and an umbrella
He is not art to them but then again nothing is
Not to them. Not to those fat faces
Greedy bellies fat with the pain of those on the front page
Man jailed for killing his wife
A man was jailed for stealing a life
But no one was jailed for stealing mine
And no one will ever be. The song changes
To something about money and greed, how very apt
It reminds me of my mother, my father
A woman asks me for my ticket
I wonder if she wants to be on the front page
She probably does, beautiful dirty dirty rich rich beautiful
Wise words from a woman in the headlines
I look at these acid free pages
Wondering what the weather will be like tomorrow
Who knows maybe the sun will come out
This is not a poem for me but a moment in my life captured on a page. I do like it even though it is very choppy and rather random. Please give your opinion your help will be greatly appreciated.
And for Americans a tram is a streetcar.
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Thanks i have fixed a the mistakes you guys have pointed out.
I loved it!
First off, in the third line of the second stanza, did you mean "bowler hat" instead of "blower hat"?
Did you write this poem just for the sake of observing your life, or were you actually angry about something specific? Either way, this poem sure is great, but I think you should make it longer to maybe convey a second idea or feeling.
Great poem! i really liked it
Oooh! Yummy! A poem!
First, a typo!
Too something about money and greed, how very apt <-- Wrong "to"!
Okay! Now for your poem! I really liked it! I especially like the art reference! With that said, I think it might be cool if you said that he didn't have skin the shade of a granny (smith apple) or something. And yes... I rather adore that art piece!
I would also probably switch up the colors a bit! I know your theme is grey faces, etc., but it would provide more contrast with the grey faces if you described other things being colorful, yet the characters remain curiously bland and grey. It would be an AWESOME effect.
Anyway! Just a couple of thoughts! But it's really good!
Love the concept, though your tone may be too strong. You wonder about the girl in the last stanza and just come to a conclusion about her, and I believe that is unfair to her as a character in your poem, which is unfair to your poem. But the strong judgement throughout the piece-" Not to those fat faces Greedy bellies fat with the pain of those on the front page.." does paint a picture of how you were feeling when you wrote the piece, though maybe you were just in a fit.
The structure is precise and even and solid. The language works well and is appropriate. And. Even though it is a bit strong and even biased (just because there's no trajedy in this country that you're in, doesn't mean that those people are bad) it paints a strong picture. Just a thought, maybe you should turn this poem on yourself, 'cause you're just sitting there on the "tram" and reading about the stuff too.
PS-I'm American, and I knew what a tram is, but thanks for the thought.
beautiful piece of poetry here. It's lovely. Keep going!