I need a little help with this. It's unfinished but it for school and I need the grades. This is a very rough draft, please give critic. Thanks!
Meredith frowns, sliding the shining
laminate into the iron shredder, electronic
blades churn like the impeding
storm brewing like trust fund brats, screeching
outside my window. Heeled stilettos clack on
cold marble floors. The sound of sonic
scanners drowning out the hiss of torrent rain, beating
keys upon a tortured keyboard. I
keep my eyes upon a sky rise hawk, wings gridding
under the weight of a storm, papers
thunder, landing on my desk, black like the coffee stains
scratched on to my cracked mug. Jackson
marches eyes like bytes; OIIO
he screeches of data, return and contracts.
Churning steam machine, the
thunderous wrath of a furnace executive. This
time, they say, is nothing. Not a tormented
tornado of loss, spewing out downgrades into
the eyes of office peons. Phone rings, Meredith’s
hands those silver emblazoned
typhoons cutting into the profit margins. Someday I will
beat out those entrepreneurial commissions, rain
profits into the pockets of capital proletariats . I’ll watch
the liquid screens segue into the tempestuous
markets. I will ride them, iron clad
portfolio beating out the patter of equity.... ( will be more to follow, haven't written it yet)
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hello Jenna!
I think you have a great start here, you're a very creative writer, using loads of amazing imagery and making your piece vivid. I agree with previous speakers though - the structure of this piece is good but not the way the sentences jumpes between lines and stanzas. I found no grammatic errors, nor flaws with the punctuation so... Nice job there.
I give you 3/5 icky, sticky spiders for this
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
The content of this poem was great, and there were no puncuation errors as far as I could see. However, I agree with Noelle, the breaks in the middle of the sentences seemed...odd. They disrupted the overall flow of the poem and made it harder to understand. Overall though, this was good. Good luck with finishing it!
Hi there!
This is a great start. There is a lot of great imagery in this. However, I feel like in each stanza you took a sentence and randomly split it up. Try to make your lines flow by breaking them apart at the right time. If you read over it again out loud you will probably hear it. There isn't any grammer or spelling mistakes I found, so you're good with that.
PM me when you're finished the whole thing or if you edit it. I'll take a second look at it. Keep writing!