“Now, there are several different types of weapons that we Reslix use,” the professor explained to the class. “Our weapons control the elements and are of great power, but only a select few out of the group will get chosen to wield one.”
A murmur went through the group, disrupting the quiet room. The professor held his hand up and the room instantly became quiet. The professor’s sharp blue eyes scanned across the room, taking in all of the young warriors’ faces.
“How many of you have ever seen a weapon of a Reslix warrior?” he asked as he paced in front of the class. Not one hand went up. Reslix warriors were rare enough to come by, but a reslix weapon was even more rare. It took a tremendous amount of magic to produce a weapon of such capabilities.
“Nobody?” the professor asked mockingly. “Well then,” he said, “I guess I’ll have to show you.” He held out his hand and a whirlwind of air surrounded it. A sword formed in his hand, its blade about as long as a man’s torso and in a sleek, bright blue color. It’s pommel had a deep oceanic blue sapphire embedded in it with green wrapping around the hilt.
“This is my weapon, Galeria. I am one of the few Reslix warriors that can summon an elemental weapon.” A few students gasped a little when the sword appeared. Nobody outside of special forces had ever seen a real Reslix elemental weapon, well at least not alive. It was a pretty rare opportunity.
“Galeria can command the element of wind,” he said as a stream of wind wrapped itself around the sword. “There are four main elemental types of weapons; Fire, Water, Wind, and Lightning.”
With another whirlwind of wind, the sword disappeared. The students looked at one another, which one of them would get picked?
“Any questions?” the professor asked. A hand in the back caught his attention, it was the hand of a girl. It was extremely rare for a girl to accepted into the Reslix program, especially at the age of a teenager.
“Ahhh yes, our student prodigy Miss Nevera. What is your question?” the professor said in a haughty voice. The girl stood up, throwing her jet black hair over her shoulder to reveal serious green eyes that pierced through the class.
“Would it be possible to acquire a weapon that can use more than one element? Or even possibly combine them?” she asked, her eyes not moving away from the professor’s.
The professor looked intently at the girl for awhile and then let a smirk come across his face. The professor started pacing, not letting his gaze move away from hers.
“The last person to try such a thing as that, is now trapped on top of Mount Sarl.” he said with a smirk. A dead silence cut through the class, not one person trying to take a breath. Mount Sarl was a forbidden place because the Ice Demon Salrya was trapped within. It was the only place within Reivina that had ice as cold as death itself.
The professor continued speaking, assuming what the next question would be. “You wonder why he was imprisoned upon that cursed mountain. He tried wielding a power far greater than his own. It led to temptations, to ideas, to insanity. This person tried to gather as much power as he could and attempted to assassinate our beloved King. The only thing that stopped him from succeeding were the Thirteen Guardians.”
Another murmur went through the class. That hadn’t been in their history lessons. The professor once again held his hand up and called miss Nevera to the front of the room. She didn’t hesitate and moved briskly to the front. A gleam filled the professor’s eyes as he looked to the rest of the class.
“Hold out your hand.” he instructed. She did as he asked, not showing any emotion. “Now, focus all of the energy at your will into your hand.” She didn’t respond but stared intently at her hand, a few minutes passed and sweat started sliding from her forehead. A slight crack sounded throughout the room, making several of the students jump.
The sound came again and Nevera was grinning. Electricity was dancing across her hand, an elemental dance that didn’t seem to want to stop. The professor smirked once more and clapped his hands. The rest of the class joined in, awestruck with what had just occurred. A student had never been able to focus that much energy in a single place before, much less conjure an element.
“This. This is the first step to becoming a Reslix warrior. The shaping of your element, and defining who you are in history.” The professor said proudly. A loud gong hit somewhere within the city, signaling that the end of the day had come. All of the students stood and filed out of the room, excitement within their eyes. The professor stood there and looked out the window.
The dazzling city of Razlas Eridona glowed as it’s sun set among the treeline of the Forest of Flame. The smile had vanished from his face, and he now seemed much older than he actually was. He wondered how much time they had left. How long would it be before the very world as they knew it would be thrust into chaos once more? A figure had appeared in the doorway to the classroom, leaning casually against the frame.
“The time is soon.” The figure spoke, a deep voice as loud as a whisper. The professor looked solemnly the the sky and whispered, “I know.”
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I really, really like this, but it seems more like the beginning to a novel than a short story. That's just my feelings.
I think that maybe "he asked, pacing in front of the class would sound a bit better.
I don't really understand why the professor is smirking. Shouldn't he be smiling? Also, I would have put "...and started clapping."
When I started reading, I pictured the students to be teenagers. Maybe you could tell us that they're adults when you start the novel. The way the teacher asks her to show her element is very sudden, maybe try and work up to that. Also if he has a sword, shouldn't he be in the special unit?
Just a few things to think about but overall I love the story and would love to read more!
Hey there.
I have a question. Why isn't this in the novel section? You need to continue it. It looks like it would be an pretty decent novel. Of course, I understand that you might not have time, or you're not looking to get yourself into such a big commitment, but think about it. I wanted to read more.
Here's a couple technical things you should think about first:
-"but a reslix weapon was even more rare" say "rarer." It scans better.
-“The last person to try such a thing as that, is now trapped on top of Mount Sarl.” he said with a smirk." Omit the comma after "that," and change the period after Sarl to a comma. Dialogue tags go after commas, not periods. Also, while I'm talking about this bit, the wording is odd. "to try such a thing as that" sounds weird. How about "to try such a thing."
- "A hand in the back caught his attention, it was the hand of a girl." I thought this sentence was worded oddly as well (it's also a run-on). I would rewrite it to say "A feminine hand caught his attention from the back of the room." OR "A girl's hand rose above the heads of the class." Just mention that she's a girl first thing, and you won't get the awkwardness of the sentence the way it is now.
-I noticed more periods where commas should be. If "he said" or "he commanded" isn't capitalized, it should have a comma before it in the dialogue.
I like how the narrator seems to be very involved in the class, without being inside one of the character's heads. It's a rather difficult point of view to pull off, but you did it well. I feel like the narrator was almost a student in the classroom watching the proceedings. Nice.
However, if you do decide to expand this, I would suggest adopting a third person limited point of view with either the professor or the girl. Get inside their head, and make the story much more interesting. This POV is fine for a short story, though.
Altogether, nice job. And I'll be watching to see if you continue this story. It was a pleasure to review this.
i really like the idea of the story and i have to say it is the first time i read a story like this so it was unusual for me but i like it, i also like your way of describing.....really nice job
First off, I would like to question why this is in the short story section instead of the chapter section. It seems like a chapter to a much larger book. That's just a thought I'll ponder on my own though.
As for a review, I can't say I'm nearly as long winded as some of these people, but I will do my best for you.
I get a good sense of what is going on in the story from the way that the characters interact with one another. That being said, you don't need to reiterate, for me as a reader, that seeing one of these elemental weapons is a rare treat. I understand that simply by none of the students having seen one. It does make me question why the teacher has one, and if having one of these weapons makes you a knight, but that would probably flesh itself out in the story.
It is interesting that you choose to make lighting an element when I have heard it more commonly as a sub-element to fire. The typical elements I know of are Air, Fire, Water, Earth. Having this change does help give a good sense that we are not in familiar territory when dealing with these elements.
For me, pacing is a nervous act, so the teacher pacing constantly makes me wonder if he doesn't like talking in front of the class. Due to the snippet at he end, I can see him as a nervous character in the sense of impending doom is a frightful thing.
I would like you to flesh out where they are better. I understand they're in a classroom, but classrooms can look so different depending on who designs them. When I began reading this I envisioned them in an empty dojo classroom standing huddled at the door like scared teens. I can't really see the characters that are in the room clearly, and I'm not sure of their ages since you say few teenagers are welcomed into the school.
As a short story, I want more anxiety about the climax, which seems to be her ability to produce an element in her hand. Perhaps you could have some students heckling her and doubting her to get a sense of the large accomplishment instead of the professor only saying it's the first step. I would believe that other students would be trying this too just to see if they can one-up this teenage girl who's invaded their midst.
Giving the other characters different personalities, even if they're still flat characters, will help flesh out the story enough to make it seem realistic and give us a better sense of the setting we are in.
Overall, I'm curious about the rest of the story. I would like to know how the demon was trapped in the mountain and how the knight was trapped on top of it. To me, it sounds suspiciously like they are the same person, but I believe one is a female and the other is a male? Still, it will be fun to watch this progress. Keep Writing.
Hey Jal! This is a very interesting story idea. I'm going to give you a quick review.
One thing you need to watch out for is word repetition. You had a couple of instances where you paired 'wind' and 'whirlwind' close together. One example below.
With another whirlwind of wind, the sword disappeared.
It's not necessary to say it's a whirlwind of wind, really. You can leave that out and the reader gets the same visual.
Another quick tip, whenever you are describing invisible things, like wind, remember to use sound and touch for the most part. You could also describe the way the wind whipped their hair or scurried papers. In one instant you describe a stream of wind wrapping itself around the sword. The reader can't really see a stream of wind, but they can see what the wind touches.
I love the way you described Nevera summoning lightning. That was a well crafted scene!
On another note, you probably should have started this chapter from Nevera's point of view. I could be wrong, she may not be the MC. I'd also like to see her more fleshed out. We didn't get to learn much about her in this chapter. How do the other students treat the only girl? How does the professor treat her? Does he respect her, her does he feel she's inferior? Maybe he feigns this belief to motivate her? Just a few things to consider.
Nice job Jal! You've got a story that promises excitement. Keep up the good work!