Fire engulfed his hand as he summoned his new powers. He looked at the warrior charging him and sneered as he raised his hand towards him.
“Burn in hell!” Felix roared as the fire discharged from his hand. It caught the man in the chest, hurling him backwards onto a pikeman’s halberd. The warrior went instantly limp, and Felix yelled at the top of his lungs. Felix’s once gentle green eyes were now a fire orange, rage swirling within them. All he felt was the anger coursing through him, the urge to kill another Legion soldier.
Fenix pulled a young girl behind him, trying very hard to get her to safety. In the near distance, men yelled war cries at each other, charging to their inevitable deaths. The young girl had tears streaming down her face and her slender hands trembled in his. They continued to run between wooden and stone houses, trying to avoid volleys of arrows that were raining down upon the town. Fenix pulled the girl into a stone house as a group of Legion soldiers ran past hunting for Relix soldiers defending the town.
Fenix held his hand to his lips as he looked through the corner of the window. The grizzled face of a Legion soldier stared back, sneering as he grabbed his sword. Fenix grabbed the girl and started to make a run for the other side of the house, only to run into soldiers that came in through the back door. Soldiers knocked down the other door, and stormed into the room. The grizzly looking soldier charged forward and grabbed Fenix by his hair, shoving his face into the wooden floor.
“Well, well, lookie what we have here.” The grizzled soldier said as he pulled out a dagger, pulled Fenix’s head back, and placed the blade against his throat. The girl had her arms forced behind her back, and was tied down to a chair, making her unable to help.
“More Reslix lovers.” The man spat and pushed the blade against Felix’s throat, causing a small trickle of blood to flow down his neck. Felix glanced over at the young girl, and saw the fear in her eyes change into a fierce determination. Felix slightly shook his head as he caught her eyesight. The look in her eyes didn’t change, and a slight crackling resonated throughout the room. One of the guards screamed in pain before he collapsed to the floor, dark smoke drifting off his body. The wretched smell of burned flesh filled the room as the girl threw the rope that had bound her to the ground. The rope had been burned through where her hands had been. Her eyes had gone from a warm chocolate color to a bright, electric violet. The sign of a magic user.
Lightning crackled around her fingers, causing the soldier holding Fenix to back away while keeping the dagger pointing at the young girl. She was so focused on the grizzly soldier that she didn’t see the archer that had come in through the back door. She heard the sound of wood stretching and turned towards the archer in time to watch the arrow imbed itself into her chest. The violet color in her eyes faded back to warm chocolate before the life left them completely.
Fenix watched in horror as the young girl, his sister, drop to the ground in a pool of her own blood. Felix felt his veins boil as he looked into the lifeless eyes of his sister. Clenching his fists, he stood up glaring at the archer who had a smug smile on his face. Felix felt his hands get warm, then hot, like blazing hot. The archer was staring at the young man, a look of fear frozen on his face instead of a smug smirk.
Felix let his anger grow as he started walking towards the man, his fists still clenched and burning hot with his anger. The archer fumbled with his bow, trying to get the next arrow knocked. Felix was already on him, bringing his fist back for a punch, all his anger pouring into his punch. He didn’t notice the fire that engulfed his hand, the passion of his anger. His fist came down upon the horrified archer’s face, burning his skin and killing him instantly.
Felix looked at his hand in bewilderment, not exactly sure what happened. He clenched and unclenched his hand, feeling the heat fade away into nothing. He slowly turned around and faced the grizzled soldier who had held the dagger to his throat. The feelings of boiling anger filled Felix again, the fire returning to his hands. He basked in the look of fear that came across the soldier’s face. Slowly, the fire started consuming his hand, as his rage built up. He replayed the image of his sister being killed, his home being burned to the ground. The fire in his hand flared as he imagined blowing the soldier’s face off. Slowly he raised his hand to his eye level, letting his anger pour into it.
Concentrating, he focused on melding the fire into a ball, and shoved his hand towards the man’s face. A ball of flame enveloped the soldier’s face, his bloody screams echoing throughout the house. The soldier dropped the dagger and started clawing at his face, trying desperately to put the fire out.
Felix scooped up the dagger, and flipped it in his hand, feeling the weight. The fire had gone out and the soldier had dropped to his knees, his hands covering his burned face. He looked up as Felix’s boots crunched against the brittle wood floor. The soldier’s grey, hard eyes looked up into Felix’s as he held the blade to his throat. A sneer enveloped the soldier’s blistered face as he felt the blade pressed against his throat.
“You don’t have the guts to kill me.” The soldier spat. A sinister smile crossed Felix’s face and he pressed down on the blade, causing deep crimson to appear and flow down the man’s neck. The soldier winced and stifled a groan of pain as the dagger dug a little deeper into his flesh.
Felix got right in his face and said menacingly, “I have every reason, and confidence to take your pitiful life scum.” The man’s eyes grew wide with fear as he stared into Felix’s green eyes, which were turning into a fire orange color.
“You... You wouldn’t!” the soldier panicked, seeing the hate swell within Felix’s eyes. Fenix grinned maliciously, and grabbed the man’s burned head.
“That’s where you’re wrong!” Fenix yelled, and plunged the dagger into the man’s chest. His eyes went wide with shock, and he fell to the side unmoving. The anger from Felix’s eyes faded, and he dropped to his knees next to the body of his sister. He slowly reached out and brushed her dark, brown hair out her face, revealing her lifeless eyes. A tear escaped his eyes as he looked from her to the two men he murdered in cold blood.
“What have I done?” he thought as another tear escaped from his eyes. Gently he cradled her head in his lap and closed her eyes, the tears flowing down his face now. Crystalline drops splattered on her cheeks as his pain rushed out from everything. A part of the house exploded as a giant rock was hurled through the wall, causing large amounts of stone to plummet from the ceiling.
Quickly, he scooped up the body of his sister and ran for the back door. The house quickly collapsed behind him as another boulder was forced into the small structure. A cloud of dust and rock kicked up around Felix as the last of the house crashed into the ground. His breathing had become ragged from the use of magic and the dust. He glanced down at his sister and hung his head in defeat, the anger slowly creeping back into his veins.
He found a slab of rock from the house and gently set her body down upon it. He fueled the anger within himself and the fire once again enveloped his hands. He rest his hands on her body and watched with sorrow as the flames spread like wildfire over her.
“May you rest in peace Claire. I swear that I will avenge you, and that these barbarians will not get away.” Swore Felix as he walked away from the flames. He had some hunting to do. One of the Reslix soldiers who had been killed earlier in the battle rest against the wall, three arrows protruding from his chest. Felix reached down and pulled the sword away from the dead soldier's grasp and jogged towards the entrance to the city.
He was greeted with three soldiers rushing him, smirks upon their faces as they thought they would have easy prey. Felix had never wielded a sword before, but it was now or never. The first soldier slashed at him high making a look of astonishment as Felix ducked below the blow and plunged his sword deep into the man's chest. He fell to the side, a trickle of blood flowing from his mouth. The two other soldiers charged at him enraged with the death of their comrade.
Felix focused his anger into his sword hand and was satisfied as the sword itself was wrapped in flames. Both soldiers had looks of fear cross their faces and made to stop but it was too late for them. Felix rushed the first one, knocking his sword to the side and slashing into the base of his neck. The soldier's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he collapsed to the ground, nothing more than an addition the corpses that littered the city. The last soldier threw away his sword and dropped to his knees. He begged not to be killed that Felix show mercy to him.
“Mercy!? Did you barbarians show mercy to me and my sister?! To any of the people of Viera?!” Felix didn't wait for an answer, he put his hand around the soldier's neck and summoned the fire within him. Screams of agony erupted from the soldier's lips as he burned into nothing but black ash. Felix felt a little guilty, but he reassured himself that this was justice.
A war horn sounded in the distance, echoing off of the ruins of the city. Fires burned brightly, lighting the night sky in a bloody hue. The Legion soldiers began pulling back, many of them covered in blood. To who's he knew not, but he would ensure that someday it would be their own. Felix had blended into the shadow of one of the ruined houses, watching the soldiers movements. A straggling group tried to catch up to the rest of their troop, but Felix stepped out in front of them.
Fire engulfed his hand as he summoned his new powers. He looked at the warrior charging him and sneered as he raised his hand towards him.
“Burn in hell!” Felix roared as the fire discharged from his hand. It caught the man in the chest, hurling him backwards onto a pikeman’s halberd. The warrior went instantly limp, and Felix yelled at the top of his lungs. Felix’s once gentle green eyes were now a fire orange, rage swirling within them. All he felt was the anger coursing through him, the urge to kill another Legion soldier.
The pikemen dropped his weapon and began to run the opposite direction, only to be slaughtered with arrows. Long arrows with red feathers decorated the soldier's body, the life long gone from his eyes. Felix looked upwards towards a hill near the back of the city. The Reslix flag waved high as an army of soldiers lined up upon the hill, many of them holding their bows high as they chanted their war cries. One soldier upon the back of a Reslix Charger held his sword high and rushed forward, his yellowish orange armor gleaming in the glow of the fires.
Felix couldn't believe his eyes, the very Prince of Razlas Eridona had rushed to the aid of a fallen city. Felix grinned widely, he would get his revenge upon this very day. Soldiers rushed around him, chasing the retreating Legion army, eager to put a stop to their barbarism. The Prince rode swiftly towards Felix and dismounted about ten feet away from him, his sword resting on his back.
“Warrior! What is your name?!” The Prince demanded. Felix smirked and stabbed the sword his was holding into the trampled ground. He dropped to one knee and knelt before the Prince, then raising his head to speak.
“Felix Driken, defender of Viera and last of the Driken bloodline.” Felix's eyes had melded back to their chocolate brown as he stared into the Prince's deep orange eyes and fire red hair. The Prince smiled brightly and approached Felix holding his hand out to him.
“Felix Driken, I thank you for your valiant efforts to defend your home. We'll have time to talk later, for now we rush onward to expel these invaders from our lands.” Felix grinned at these words and ripped his sword, holding it high as he let out his war cry. The Prince returned the cry and they rushed into the fray in the fields, not holding back as they pushed back the invaders.
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Hey Jalmoc!

The title caught my attention and I stopped by to have a look!
Let's jump straight in.
First of all...is the main character's name Felix or Fenix? Because you swap between the two quite freely throughout the entire piece. At the start I thought maybe Fenix was a different character but then you swapped back again. It seemed too frequent to be a typo but yeah...I would advise choosing one name and sticking with it! It didn't seem to me like there was some overall purpose for doing that. I'm gonna go with Felix for the rest of this review.
My next major point is perspective. This is written in third person yes but for the majority of the piece you are third person from Felix's perspective. Nothing wrong with that, until you start introducing things that can't possibly be within Felix's perspective. Such as, talking about how Felix's eyes are changing. Felix wouldn't know his eyes are changing colour because he can't see it. The only way he might know is through some sort of sensation that triggers the change. The other prominent moment is when Claire is alive and using her magic and it goes 'She heard the sound of wood stretching and turned towards the archer in time to watch the arrow imbed itself into her chest.' - This is Claire's perspective not Felix's. He could see it happen, that would work but it's a bit disconcerting when you swap to Claire's perspective for two or three lines and then back to Felix. Pick one perspective and try to stay in that realm. Think of it like 'If I were in this situation what would I be able to feel and see and notice?'
Now just some general notes. This piece was meant to be quite emotional but I wasn't really feeling it. I didn't feel any of Felix's anguish or anger. I just kind of felt like I was going through the motions. My eyes started to skim a little. I think this is because you relied to much on certain words. So you expected that because you just said that Claire was Felix's sister that her death would automatically hit the reader hard but it doesn't. You need to show some of the relationship before she gets killed. At the beginning I just thought that she was some random girl that he had captured or something. I had no idea they had any prior connection. So her death just kind of washes over you. The death is the lynch pin in this piece. It's apparently why Felix goes beserk. So to have that moment bear little impact is problematic. Work on their relationship beforehand. Let us see them together, interact. I want to know them a little before they're ripped apart.
Your style is quite clunky. It doesn't flow very well. After a while it kind of becomes a case of 'This happened, then that...then he went over here. Felix did this. Felix did that.' Try to think of different ways you can begin a sentence other than he or Felix. Try to think of other ways you can structure a sentence.
For example, this line - 'Felix let his anger grow as he started walking towards the man, his fists still clenched and burning hot with his anger' Could also be written like this - 'Letting his anger grow, Felix started walking towards the man, fists clenched and burning hot with rage.'
See how it kind of flows a little better? And reduces on the amount of times you have to say his. This is another slight problem of yours. You repeat words a lot. Trying using a thesaurus to switch up what words you are using. I use a site called wordhippo.com when I get stuck.
For example, this part - He slowly reached out and brushed her dark, brown hair out her face, revealing her lifeless eyes. A tear escaped his eyes as he looked from her to the two men he murdered in cold blood. “What have I done?” he thought as another tear escaped from his eyes. Gently he cradled her head in his lap and closed her eyes, the tears flowing down his face now.
You use the word 'eyes' in every sentence there. You could say things like 'brushed her dark, brown hair out of her face, revealing her lifeless gaze.' or 'Tears escaped him as he looked from her to the two men he murdered in cold blood.' or 'Gently he cradled her head in his lap and shut her eyelids.' Lots of options! You also use tears escaping from eyes twice in this section.
Also, what is the point of this story? I didn't really get a sense of a pivotal scene or just something that I could latch onto and think about for ages after reading. It just petered out into a massive random fight/war. I think it could've been really interesting if you made it so like...his hate, anger, and need for revenge turns him into the very thing that killed his sister. If he lost control of his powers and killed an innocent. Man that would be so impacting and powerful!
Having said all that though, the very fact that I am getting ideas is a good sign that you have something here. An interesting set-up going on and lots of potential. I just think you need to work on it a little more, think it through, think about your characters and what you want to show. Otherwise this is just going to fall a little flat.
I'm sorry that was so long! If you have any questions then feel free to PM me anytime
Bex
x
Hey there!
This story was pretty interesting, but unfortunately it didn't have that wow factor to it. What I mean is I didn't feel at the edge of my seat while reading, I didn't feel the excitement I should have felt. This story has a good potential as a fantasy story, but you need to beef up the narration and action scenes.
The action scene itself felt slow. Felix seemed to be taking on one soldier at a time when he clearly could have burned all of them at once. It's a slow pace and soon enough I get a little weary of the repetitive one on one fights between Felix and the soldiers. Change Felix's fighting style a little, give it some variation. First he fights one soldier, than maybe a whole group goes to confront him. Something along that line.
Felix's anger at the soldiers killing his sister didn't seem to last long. After he finished off a few of them he seemed to actually regret his actions. The sentence "What have I done?" shows that. But then, the next moment he goes on a rage again and starts murdering the soldiers. The thing I don't understand either is why he didn't use his fire powers throughout the battle? He took a sword from a soldier which wasn't needed seeing as he could burn his enemies. He uses his sword for a moment and then switches back to using fire. That's a little inconsistent.
The last part, which was the dialogue between the prince and Felix was pretty well done. It was a good conclusion to this story and also brought out the realism here. I don't suppose Felix could finish off the enemy by himself so he needed help. The only thing is the mood there was slightly off. Felix and the prince both seemed pretty happy. But given that Felix's sister had just died and the prince was about to go into battle I think the mood would have been somehow more solemn.
Hope my review helped!
Hey, thanks to both of you! I just wrote was on my mind and wanted to see what people thought. Thanks a lot for the reviews. I'll try and work on the things you guys suggested.