Young Writers Society

Hey jalmoc,

Zephion here, preparing to review this for you. First of all, I'd like to say that this title made me SO happy. That is just an awesome title. Your story itself is slightly ridiculous, but it's supposed to be. You pack so much content into this little piece, which is a really great job. I fi were to write this it would be twice as long and half as good, so kudos for that. Yes, this doesn't make much sense, but that's what's so great about it. Anyway, thanks for sharing this and keep writing!

Zephion

Hey there, Jalmoc

Usually when I review a piece, I pick out certain parts as I read to correct. However, due to the size of your work, I decided to read it all first, then review.
While I can't say this was boring, it wasn't as funny as I expected it to be. You had a great setup for a story but it turned out to be more of a children's bedtime story.
That being said, there are still some errors that I though I should point out.

Hey Jalmoc!

Bahahahaha! Unlike Alpha, this made me smile at work. It's just so bizarre and random that I sort of loved it.

The only major slip up I could see was what Deadman pointed out when you went from third to first person and it was a bit confusing. I think you did this on another thing I read so just be careful with it.

I could sort of see this as a child's story. There is that sort of tone and vibe going on but to make it work as a children's story, you'd need to put in some sort moral to the story or at least more of a journey. Right now it's just a load of random happenings and even though they made me smile, they don't make for a rounded story.

I know that was short but I hope it helped!

Bex x

Well first off I'd like to say it's good to see you writing again! Secondly, I find humor in this but that's probably because I've read your story "Bunnies are Evil" and the bunnies in the two stories contradict. Next off you seem to have made a small error in your fifth paragraph second line.

"We looked all over the town, looking for his fluffy little friends" Up till now I thought Paul was alone, also I though we where in Third person. Here we jumped to First person and It doesn't flow right anyway. I think it was a simple mistake of putting We instead of He.

Other than that it's pretty well written, but it could still use some more filling. This story left me wishing there had been more to read. Before you say it yes I understand it's a short story, but short stories still need that filling.

Keep on writing,

Deadman

Eeeerm.
I dont know how to break this to you, but this isn't even remotely funny. There was no humor (or if there is, it's probably squashed by all this skipping-thru-the-daises atmosphere). I didn't smile at all. In fact, the ending mad me groan out loud and roll my eyes.
It's just... I don't know. It's unoriginal. It's stale. Un-witty. Maybe I missed the whole point, but come one, I'm sure you can do better than this. Give us something fresh, something original. We want to laugh, our days are just monotonous and we need something to break that.

i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry if I sounded harsh. I'll be happy to read something you wrote anytime.
Cheers,
Alpha