Leaving

by Jalmoc

Published May 19, 2011

In Random short stories

This is the first poem I've ever written... So I don't know if it's good or not. Lol. Well, Enjoy.

Leaving

Fear grows within my heart,
Knowing the you’ll be really far.
I lock eyes with you in a final glimpse,
To find out it'll only last as long as a Solar Eclipse.
Your hair flows along in the wind,
I think i see the world going dim.
You fade into the light,
While I fight and fight and fight.
I embrace you one last time,
I hope that you had a good time.
My heart shattered into billions of pieces,
As my love took over my body.
I turned your face towards me,
To see pain and misery.
A single tear shed down your face,
I wanted to hold you and feel your heart race.
You started to slip from my grasp,
I wish that this night could forever last.
You went aboard the plane,
Sharing my misery and pain.
You smiled one last time,
before you watched me die.
I love you now and forever,
So don’t be afraid to come back and be my Beloved.

Comments & reviews · 8
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Reedo121
Review
Reedo121 wrote a review Review · May 26, 2011

Howdy, Wesley!! :D First things first, great poem. I remember you typing this in English Honors. Anyways, I don't have anything to nit-pick about, so keep writing those amazing stories.

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TrinketTee516 Review
TrinketTee516 wrote a review Review · May 19, 2011

This was great for a first poem. At times, the rhymes seemed a little forced, and it interrupted the flow of syllables. Such as:

Jalmoc wrote:I embrace you one last time,
I hope that you had a good time.


You used the same word to rhyme with, and the syllables don't exactly match up.

Jalmoc wrote:I turned your face towards me,
To see pain and misery.


Maybe you might insert a "the" or "your" in the second line? It would flow a bit better.

Other than those very few errors, great job! Keep writing!

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Jalmoc
Comment
Jalmoc commented Comment · May 19, 2011

Hey guys, I really appreciate the reviews!! The reason that the capitalization is off is because I wrote this from my iPad lol.

MadameLuxestrange wrote a review Review · May 19, 2011

I really liked this! I agree with Sol about the capitalization problems, but other than that I thought this was really good. Keep writing!

Cheers,
Luxe :D

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tigertiger Comment
tigertiger commented Comment · May 19, 2011

Wow! That's a really amazing poem!

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GeeLyria
Review
GeeLyria wrote a review Review · May 19, 2011

Hellow, Wesley! :) Nice poem you got here. Sad, but it's good. I noticed you kind of forced it to rhyme and sometime you repeated the same word in the same sentence, but as a begginer with poetry you did a good job. :) For the next one ('cause there should be a next one) have that in mind. ;) I hope this review helps... somehow. xD

Now... I know, I know... you love Nitpicks:

LOL.

Jalmoc wrote:I think i see the world going dim.

=.= ...Every "I" should be uppercase if it's a pronoun, no matter where it's located.

Jalmoc wrote:You fade into the light,
While I fight and fight and fight.

I think saying fight so many times is... well, it kind of stops the poem and sounds more like a song. xD I would change for something like: "While I persistently fight." But that's just me. :)

Jalmoc wrote:So don’t be afraid to come back and be my Beloved

I don't think the first letter of "beloved" should be uppercase.

~Solvy <3

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futrwrighter422
Comment
futrwrighter422 commented Comment · May 19, 2011

I thought it was amazing, i love your writing style. For a first time writing poetry, you nailed it :) Keep up the good work



Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality