You asked me
What I was afraid of
You held me
-
You told me
Not to fear
But there is always fear.
-
There is fear
In not knowing
Where you might end up
-
There is fear
In not knowing
When to let go
-
There is fear
In not knowing
When to hold tight.
-
I have fear
Not of you
But of myself
-
I have fear
Of uncertainties
Undiscussed
-
I am a fragile,
Broken bird,
Dying from the cold
-
Surviving the scorch,
I bleed onto
The concrete
-
I have fears
Unaddressed
Unnoticed
-
But I will trust you
All the same
Humbled and broken
-
Take me as I am
Raise me up
Better than I was
-
And maybe,
One day,
We can both learn from this.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hey! That was impressive. You used some excellent imagery throughout the poem, but spread out enough that it wasn't overwhelming. Your emotions clearly shine through, and the overall work is strong. However, there are some definite improvements to be made.
Your punctuation is inconsistent. It doesn't take away from the poem as a whole, but for someone like me, who is bothered by errors like that, it can be distracting.
The ending. It has a sense of closure, yes, but it's just not that powerful. You certainly close the poem in a way that makes sense, but not in a way that evokes emotion as the rest of the piece does. Perhaps a line about fixing each other, although that may be my angst writer's nature kicking in again.
Overall, you conveyed emotion and a story through strong imagery without too many lines. I love it, and I look forward to seeing what else you'll write in the future.
Hurt. Are you hurt, Inspiredravens? Your poem stings as hell, because I experience it, like you do. Learning from hurting is valuable. It teaches you to grow up and learn from all your mistakes and fears. And, yes, one day, we can learn from this. You might fall, you might be broken, but you'll learn. you'll heal. You'll be able to live.. trust me. Trust Him. He wouldn't leave you.
This is a really good poem and it is relatable to, which makes me like it even more
~Ello, caliginous here~
Amazing poem! So descriptive, yet somewhat vague at the same time. It's awesome how you did that! I have a few suggestions for you, so let's get to it....
First off: punctuation. You are inconsistent with your use of it throughout the poem. Some stanzas end with a period and have commas, while others have no punctuation whatsoever. I advise you to remain consistent with the amount of punctuation you use, or if you use it at all (which you don't have to, but I would strongly suggest just adding a few periods or commas here and there—but it's up to you, of course).
This line doesn't make the most sense or completely fit into the poem. As I see it, there are two options: 1. Get rid of one of the "you"s. 2. Replace the comma with a —. This would make it seem as if the narrator was stuttering, trembling, afraid.
You need a stronger ending. It's such a beautiful, powerful poem, you can't have the reader going "meh" at the end! Finish off strong! End with a bang! Throughout the whole poem, deep emotions and a deeper story were building up, building up, but then the intricate structure you have created collapses with the last line. I can sense somewhat of a deeper meaning behind it, but it most certainly is not enough. I would offer suggestions, but I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. So if you understand where I'm coming from and feel inclined to edit a bit, just try to clearly highlight your message. Not too clearly though, you wouldn't want to ruin the flow of the poem. Hide it behind a powerful metaphor, as you did so perfectly with other lines.
Well, as you can see, there isn't exactly a lot to adjust! I love this poem, it's just so (I know I've repeated this before, but it's true, so...) beautiful! I hope I was able to help!
~caliginous
Thank you very much for your awesome review! I agree with everything you pointed out
As for the two you's I will change it to one or the other like you suggested. With the ending, it is definitely more personal, but perhaps the poem needs something different and you have made me see that. I will say that that last stanza was meant to give the feeling of that moment when you are hanging in the air before you start to fall, but perhaps I completely missed the mark there. Any other suggestions in that area?
Your welcome!
Oh, now I see it. I love that idea for the ending, perhaps make it more apparent? If you're going to adjust it, don't edit too much, because there's much more there than I originally thought. Maybe don't change it at all...I don't know, you do whatever you think is right