The Ring

Okay so the first two lines I loved, could have gone a lot of different ways with this... The third line I am lost at, and then a return to interest and beauty in the fourth line. Not really sure what your going for in the first stanza but might wanna take a hard look at that third line.

I might add a syllable or two to the second line of the second stanza, seems abrupt. Everyone has seen and heard the dripping of a faucet so I definitely dig that line.

First three lines of the third stanza I am with you all the way, the final line is vague and seems more like an introduction rather than a conclusion.

It has beauty, and I love the subject matter, it just needs a little polishing I think. Rework with the suggestions you read here and some time away and I think you've got something blissful.

Peace

Hello, how are you? This is a great poem and I just loved the writing structure in general. You see poems are intresting because usually a couple stazas can describe the world or thoughts of the poets eyes. Ah see thier I go rambling. I thought your poem was intresting to say it plainly. I saw the comment where you said you like your 'poets mind' go free. A very very great way to write in my opinion. Now dont get me wrong planning is still good but I like the 'all natural' vibe alot better. Would you agree?

Very nice piece of work. I just loved it. Happy Holidays (if you celebrate any, and if not just be happy) Keep writing because you write very well!!!

Hello, how are you? This is a great poem and I just loved the writing structure in general. You see poems are intresting because usually a couple stazas can describe the world or thoughts of the poets eyes. Ah see thier I go rambling. I thought your poem was intresting to say it plainly. I saw the comment where you said you like your 'poets mind' go free. A very very great way to write in my opinion. Now dont get me wrong planning is still good but I like the 'all natural' vibe alot better. Would you agree?

Very nice piece of work. I just loved it. Happy Holidays (if you celebrate any, and if not just be happy) Keep writing because you write very well!!!

Hey there! Questio here with a review!
You are right about the beat being a little off. Something that could help would be to get rid of the rhyming scheme. I love rhyming, and I rarely write non-rhyming poetry, but I know that sometimes rhyming creates the illusion that there should be some sort of A-B-A-B beat when you can get by without one.
After writing that ^^ I read the poem again, and because you gave me permission to shred it, I'm going to say I think you should scrap it and start over. I love the idea behind it and the hook, but you can do better, I know it. Decide on your rhyming scheme, decide what sort of beat you want (beat can effect the tone and mood, so be mindful of what you are trying to accomplish) and figure out exactly what metaphors and personification and similes and all those other artsy literary techniques you want.
Love the idea, but sometimes you need to get cluttered stuff out of your system before you can write something SUPER amazing. Don't be discouraged, try again, and let me know when you do.
You're a good writer, keep it up.
~Q