Little can be said
in twenty words
that meets ears of the dead
or the sheep in the herd.
-
It is all interpretive,
for none get the same picture,
by spelling out the worth within.
and by far, that is even better.
-
For when one says something,
it is caught by another's ears,
spun through their mind
turned within the gears.
-
Even now, you brain is struggling
Why does she stop rhyming?
Your mind is confuddling
Oh there it is,
again and again.
Wait- that's six lines.
-
Let us begin again.
-
Twenty words are often true,
ones can be green,
others are blue.
but true to their own,
they hold each picture.
-
Holding it strongly, softly,
against the weather.
-
For it is true that we remember
good literature and gall
but my twenty words may
never be seen at all.
-
For they are simple and plain,
unworthy of attention
yet calling my name
from the black and white not mentioned.
-
They sing louder and louder,
softer and quieter.
But my twenty words are here
for everyone so readily:
-
Words like the burning sun,
spoken loudly in the dark
lighting up that tiny space
hidden deep inside my heart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi there!
So I like the concept. I like that you talk about the form of the poem within the poem, and break the form of the poem to attract attention near the middle.
That being said, there are a few things that you might change to make it better. You talk about imagery in the poem, but your words aren't really producing many strong images for me. If you're going to specifically say that your words hold images, you need stronger ones. The ones in the last stanza? Good. More of that. Give that kind of love to the rest of your poem. Gimme more similes and metaphors.
It's also a little long. I don't usually comment on length, but in poetry, every word counts, and you should try to make your point as concise as possible. However, I can see another person arguing for length, as you have to make a set pattern before you can break it, and time enough to return to the original pattern before you end. So really, that one's a doozy.
Your rhyme scheme is pretty good. Usually I hate rhyme schemes, but yours was understated and didn't have too much lilt to it. It was nice.
I wonder if you might like experimenting with pentameter in this piece. I think that it would complement your rhyme scheme. Try it out and see how it feels.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
Thanks for your wonderful suggestions! I will certainly take them all into consideration and you have given me a lot to think about! Thank you so much!
Happy Writing!
Heya pretzelsing here for a review,
I personally really liked this poem.It was great!I was encouraged by my friend to push myself and have a critical eye of pieces that I find that I really really like.So here goes nothing.
First of all, I was kind of confused,was there a theme in this poem?I think that you jumped around quite a bit here and there and so I didn't exactly understand the theme of your poem.
Here are my nitpicks:
I would totally spell out the 20 words like twenty words to make it look better.Although this number is perfectly appriopriate in your title,in the poem itself,I would suggest that you write it out
I thought that the spacing here was weird:
It kind of disrupted the visual appeal of the poem and lines. I would go with something like this:
Holding it strongly,softly,
against the weather
I really like this stanza:
Here one word was weirdly written;
I think that it should be softer and quieter, it matches more, even if it doesn't rhyme with readily.
Also another thing that I was confused and that I hope you will comment on with this review.Were the 20 words the last words of your poem or not?
Overall, this poem was masterfully written and I truly enjoyed it.
Thanks for the review!
I will apply some of your nitpicks (thanks for catching those), and I agree with the "holding it strongly, softly" line being put together and the "softer and quietly" line changing. To answer your last question: Yes, the last stanza of the poem was my 20 words