Since you left me, girl!

Here again for your second request. Am I right in assuming this is spoken by the same character from the other piece you linked me to? I want to agree with Rosey here. I see this as a writing exercise. This is definitely REALLY helpful to you, as it helps you get to know the character you're writing about, but it's clear from the way things are so clearly explained that you're just going over the information, not really trying to create a stand-alone piece to give to an audience. If you have a lot of pieces like this, they'd do well in your blog -- we'd still like to read your writing exercises, but a lot of people spend a lot of time on reviews, and if we're writing up advice for half an hour or more, we usually want it to be on something the author has an inkling to edit, you know?

Still, even if the author doesn't edit, advice can help, so I'll definitely still review this!

First of all, this guy feels creepy to me. Like SUPER creepy. This girl left him; they definitely had problems, and now he feels like he wants to give up all of his personality and just be her servant? Then he doesn't appreciate her personality. He sees her as this beauty, this image of who she was when she was with him. In the time they've been apart, she's probably changed. There'll be different things about her, and he doesn't even think of that, like he doesn't think of her as her own being going through her own life. He'll do anything, REGARDLESS of what SHE wants, to get her back?! Just because he feels bad? What if she doesn't want to get into his problems again? Oh, he's creeping me out.

Aside from that, since that's just personal taste on the character and maybe what you intended (and if it's not you have to reconsider their relationship dynamics), this is something that interested me:

because you pressed on yourself every time and at every fight even if it was my fault

Hello.

I read this and was struck by a very stream of consciousness style, simply getting the words out to get the feeling out because you were feeling it.

Which is fine if you're only using poetry to get your feelings out and have no plans at all about improving.

However, YWS runs on the principle you post your work to improve, and the critiques you get won't all be praise. This will be one such critique. If you are only using poetry as a form of self-expression, then I'd suggest you stop reading right now.

-

First, I will start with your punctuation. If you removed the line breaks and turned this into prose, it wouldn't be punctuated properly. Poetry is another form of writing, and while you can take a few more liberties with the punctuation, it should still appear somewhat proper when all is said and done.

When you use too much "odd" punctuation, such as a large amount of ellipses and exclamation points like you have now, it draws attention away from the words themselves and to the style. A good style is one that enriches the work, instead of distracting from it. Right now, your style is distracting. Cleaning up the punctuation will help this a lot.

For more on why poetry should be punctuated properly, check out this article.

Second, the wording in the work itself is rather bland. Every idea has its own line, and the ideas are given in a very blunt format. This is the main thing that leads the work to feeling stream of consciousness.

Poetry is often defined by what it leaves unsaid, by what is hidden within the line breaks. In theory, you have far less words to say what you'd normally do in prose.

That is not to say poetry cannot be simple. But it is a lot more creative than simply putting your thoughts on single sentences and hitting "enter" after each line.

Some very basic poetry articles are How to Write Good Poetry and Emotional Poetry, if you want to get some idea of what's involved in poetry.

Thirdly, I found your general take on the topic fairly straightforward. There are quite a few poems, and songs, that say almost exactly the same thing you do here. Try to dig a little bit deeper to see what you can say about the topic. You had some personal details with the perfume and the scarf you'd still wear. Personal details, or how you imagine personal details, are what make poetry. Putting more of those in can help richen poetry a lot.

Hope this helps. PM me if you need anything.

~Rosey

Heyy,

This is the a really cute piece.
Though the feel a lines would could be reframed, it could help increase the flow of the poem; this is just my sugesstion.
It's beautifully written although if you make a dew grammatical changes here and there if would be good.
A nice one for a begginer.
Lokking forward to read more from you.
Keep writing
- Dreamergirl.