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142,229 Literary Works • 677,055 Reviews
Hey again!
I want to start by pointing out my very favorite part of this:
This sounds like poetry to me. This piece is about the acute heart failure, but before you even introduce the name for sure, you hint at it with this. We know something is coming, and though we're not sure this is literally about the problem, it feels like an accurate way to describe anxiety. Then we find out it's actually what the problem is, and it feels so right, this passage!
The thing about this piece is, though, that a lot of it is explanation without a lot of emotion. Imagine if this guy were talking to a friend -- not a new person, explaining his situation, but someone who already know he had acute heart failure -- what would he say to them? He wouldn't introduce all the things he couldn't do, but he'd take it a day update at a time.
Maybe he'd tell them today how he watched his friends sit around in his house and drink and watch TV and he couldn't drink with them. Maybe he watched them get drunk and felt even more closed off from them, and when he doubled over with aching they didn't even react. He just got his medicine, helped himself, and knew they wouldn't even remember he'd had trouble when they got sober again.
You know, a scene like this can still tell a lot about his situation -- he can depend on his medicine more than his friends -- without directly explaining it. I think this character sketch would benefit most from something like that.
Good luck and thanks for the read.
Thank you so much.
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you are nice
what you said is true
Um. The story is incomplete so i can't really completely Review it, but so far it shows promise
keep it up.
Its neither a short story nor an essay. Its more like a personal blog. Whatever be it, it surely portrayed the pain the narrator is in. I am not going into whether it was truly you who spoke in the piece or it was just your imaginative creation but its a bit old-school. You say your girl left you two years ago ( and by you I mean the narrator) so why the hell didn't you move on? Like if it was a true love sort of a thing then you should have told her that. Moreover if it was true love, you would not have let her go so easily and write painful flashbacks. I read what you wrote and I feel that if you want to really write, you should try your hand at blogging. There are a lot of love-lost Romeos there in the blogging world.
Cheer up buddy, just because the girl left you doesn't mean no one is there by your side. You are just letting psychology play tricks on you. Hope to see a cheerful piece from you soon. Cheers!
Thank you for reading and reviewing
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Ummm,,, It's a part of a story I tend to write soon,,, but I'm writing short scripts, not to miss a thing because I have loads of study now!
In the story he fell in love with her, but a girl came in between several times that's why she believed there was something serious between her and her boyfriend. So he goes through another major in work and he does well,,, but originally he was away from his family because he studied abroad where he met his girl...
I hope it's clear now,,, Btw I'm a girl ^____^...
Try reading this
work.php?id=97922#comments
The story shows promise....hoping to read it soon...n that's a surprise that you are a girl, since you so wonderfully portrayed the turmoils of lost love that is typical of a boy...thumbs up!
Thank you so much... it is appreciated !
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Alright I don't know if this is a true story or not, but what I see looks like a scribble (not that I dislike scribbles). I see that some things point in one direction and some in the other. Looks like you've got some real content over here but you need to give it a direction. That's the best constructive criticism I can make about your work, because I don't like to nitpick a lot (being a raw writer myself
). But what you need in any piece of writing is that 'it should make its point clear enough'.
Happy Writing!
Thank you so much for reading... !!
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