People of the world, please read this until the end. Please pay attention. Open your eyes wide and try to realise everything I intend to tell you about as well. All of us know about the Syrian Revolution that started over a year ago, and, still in progress. Hundreds of people die every day. Why, do you ask? Because, simply, they asked their president for a better life, because they wanted their blood kept for them, they did not want their blood and souls to be sucked out of them! They didn't ask for more than HUMAN RIGHTS. They wanted LIFE just as everybody lives. All of that wasn't a flaw. Why are they dying? Why are they forced to leave home? Why do they have to feel like they are useless? Syrian people now are here and there, in tents, those are the ones who recieved an award from the adjacent countries to embrace them. To make them feel they are with the least losses. But they lost their families. Kids left their stuff and toys, and their friends. Parents buried their kids and relatives. Their president Bashar Al-Asad is not letting army let people just die. They torture them in a way that makes you want to throw up and cry if you hear or watch a little part of video. Two days ago, people were hit by phosphor. They died, without resistance. What I want is gathering our hands and voices. I want us to scream loudly. I want people in America, Europe and wherever to hear us. I want them to listen and get to these poor people their rights as Humans. Because I see that Animals in those countries recieve their rights, why not humans. I'm not Syrian, but nations don't mean any argument with humanity. Please watch this video and videos related to get an idea about the situation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XZxbDdSHZY Please, don't ignore my message, Please let's scream! Please, let's spread the message All the best, Your sister Ilham
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Hey Alk!
~ The 'please' doesn't need to be capitalized, and you don't need the comma where you placed it. You could rephrase it to read: "People of the world, please read this until the end."I agree with the other reviewer- if you space this differently, it would make for an easier read. As for the rest of your review, I'm going to do a line-by-line critique.
~ This is repetitive, try "Open your eyes wide..." instead.
~ the Syrian Revolution.
~ The 'h' should be capitalized- it's a new sentence.
~ This is a bit awkward, maybe try "You may ask why." Or "Why, do you ask?" I don't know if this is a statement or a question, it's hard to tell.
~ Question mark, not period.
~ "They torture them in a way that makes you want to throw..."
~ "Why not humans" would flow smoother.
~ 'Syrian'-capitalize, 'but'- don't capitalize, 'Argument'- no 'e'.
~~~
Alright, so it's a really sweet, powerful message that you have here.
It's awesome that you're taking up for the people of Syria who are fighting against the dictatorship they're under!
Hope this helps...
~Shady
Thanx to you honey
)
You should try to space your work. This sort of clogged writing does not encourage people to read till the end.
You should also watch out for commas and full stops. Know where and when to insert them.
For instance:
"People from all over the world (there should be a comma here) Please read..."
"Open your eyes (a full stop should be here) open wide and..."
But I like the message though.
Thanx
)