My journal

I really like this. this is how I think about my Journal.
the last stanza or lines or whatever that is, seems to lose what you had above it. it didn't seem that well thought out, like you just thought it up to fill the blank. the second (stanza?) is written a little weird.....maybe you should change it to look a little fuller.
I liked the whole thing, but some of it can still be edited. Keep writing!!!







~Lylas

i really like it, really good

This is an interesting piece...it doesn't really seem like a poem, but I think the way you've written it works, because it got your point across. I like the general concept of it, as well.

having similar 150 pages even with two sides,

Ooh, this has the makings of something moving. It's really rough right now, but in the simpleness, you've stumbled across a couple of really genuine lines. The very last line, for example -- "and labeling my dates here" -- it seems totally arbitrary, but it just evokes this mood of duty and organization. Like you label, you date, and even though the following material might be full of chaos and hurt, the pages are the same every day, and the reliability of the action makes you comforted.

I'd like to see you explain less and tell more. Instead of explaining each single thing you might do to the journal: talk, scream, cry, etc. Give us the tears on the page -- do you rub them in or let them sit in little bubbles on the page. Give us the rips -- do you try to tear them straight, 'cause you think of how they'll look tomorrow, or do you just rip through, not caring if you even get some extra pages in your fist?

Make it more about only YOU and only YOUR journal. Lots of people write in journals and like it, but tell us your story. Bring in more sights. Are there smells? Sounds? Tastes? Have you ever licked your journal? Haha. Or the taste of tears. Do you mouth words to the journal as you write? Where do you keep it?

I love the genuineness of this poem. Just how eagerly you're thanking this inanimate object. It's beautiful and you're on the right track. Just explore and experiment a little more to really make this poem an experience.

PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions, as I don't get notifications of replies to my reviews, okay? Good luck!

Alright I have to say I enjoy this alot. Talking about your diary like it's a living thing. Lot's of people do that but you actually place it in words. Well done!

Now the problem I have here is the breakup of sentences. I know you did it on purpose, but it turns out to be confusing instead. It's hard to skip lines and the whole thing seems to flow unevenly. My advice is to stick the sentences which are continued. And divide those which are separate.

Word choice, it's mostly good but there are some words you could change like "having the same softness" sounds weird. People normally associate paper with warmness, or in this case smoothness.

"being the same all the time I'm changing my pens;
perhaps, you like one of them more,
no idea."
Split the sentence after the word "pens", and also the comma after perhaps isn't needed.
"being the same all the time I'm changing my pens,
Perhaps you like one of them more, perhaps not."

"You are the only one who let me
talk,
scream,
say something, then change it,
cry,
delete some things,
even tearing down your pages,
as well as, standing all my transient moods."
I really like this whole sentence. But as I said the sentences are arranged like this and it makes it hard to read. I like the word choices here, describing each different each action that happens.

"Enough for you,
I have passion to run to you everyday,
open your pages,
and labeling my dates here"
I like this too, but the first sentence doesn't really smoothly flow into the second one. The last sentence should be "and label my dates there"

Overall I like this, a simple yet descriptive piece of work. I'm not sure but I think this would work as a poem too. It sounds somehow like one here! Hope my review helped!