It was my first Pharmacology lecture when it all began.
The professor who held the lecture was the first person ever to make me think of the way I’d be after ages.
He was grey and white. I was thinking. I was over-worried. He got me thinking of getting old and grey. I could see he felt backache every time he bent down trying to explain some point. Well, may be it wasn’t clear but I could feel it in my heart. I wasn’t focusing on the lecture. I started scratching my book with my new pen. I thought that doing this would lower my stress. I left college without attending lectures after pharmacology.
I went to the store, and asked for cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes. I bought 5 packets. I was thinking that I am hyper-allergic to the smell of cigarette’s smoke. For some reason I didn’t figure out, I was sure that I was right. I added a lighter. I paid.
Still, there was something bugging me. I was confused. But I certainly took a decision that I don’t want to get old and grey. Don’t want to feel backache as I lay down or get up. Don’t want to look that way somehow. The wrinkles on my skin would make me look super-ugly. I don’t want to be in a risk that my heart may arrest at any time.
I was walking the streets while thinking. I took a cigarette, put it in my mouth and lit it. I was asking myself “Am I sure?!” and “why smoking?! “ But I didn’t find an answer. I am smelling smoke and I can’t tolerate it. I don’t want to cough now. I kept smoking. I coughed. I started coughing hardly, but nothing could stop me. The anger took over me. I smoked more. I coughed even harder. People in the street were staring at me. There were telling me to stop, but in response, I was screaming “It’s none of your business. Leave me alone!!”
But rapidly, I fell on the floor. I woke up in the hospital to find my family and friends around me. I could see a hundred questions inside their heads. The doctor told me that I had to think carefully before I do something like this. They don’t know how bad my day was.
And in the end, maybe people don’t want to die, because they don’t want to leave this world. Because they are .not strong enough to leave it! Though, they don’t want to get old and grey, they go through it
10:03
Mon, Feb11, 2013
Ilham A. Al-Khatib
(Feel free for critique)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I politely disagree with the friend who said this doesn't belong in the Script category, because it would actually make a pretty great monologue. It has a really interesting concept to it. So here are some things.
Good:
The writing style was gripping. It created a kind of tension that's rare in things like this.
It has potential for great acting beats.
Other things:
The ending is a little abrupt and a little random. Maybe if you circled it around to the professor again it would make a little more sense.
Overall, it's a great and intriguing piece of work! Well done!
Hello~ Indie here to review your piece.
First of all, I don't think this should go under the "Script" genre - it's more like flash fiction. And there is no need to bold your text - very distracting!
I like the concept you are trying to convey in this piece, but it needs a lot of work. It simply just does not come across as profound as it could be. I really like the way you begin this - it's unique, and draws the reader in. "Pharmacology" should not be capitalized, however. The only problem with this is that you don't make any sort of reference to the actual class of drug and medicinal science, so why is it so important that the class you were in was this one when these philosophical thoughts about death hit you? It would really make a greater impact if you unified this theme, especially in such a short narrative piece. Maybe you could interweave science in the way you describe death, the professor, etc. to add some lovely metaphors. It would be a nice touch to your blunt (and I mean that in a good way!) writing style.
Your main grammatical problem throughout all of this is that you keep changing verb tense. This is a huge no-no! But it will be easy to fix. I'd suggest keeping all your verbs to the past tense. Like so:
You change to present tense here. It should be: "I saw that he felt backache every time he bent down trying to explain some point. Well, maybe it wasn't clear, but I felt it in my heart."
You change it to present participle tense here. Watch that. What does scratching a book with a pen have anything to do with what is going on here? The writing isn't mentioned again in the piece, and in something as short as this, it's important to weed out unnecessary details. I also notice that the sudden mention of the speaker's own stress is quite irrelevant, especially when he/she was just noticing the professor's physical weakness. And it isn't really mentioned again in this form later on, so I think you could just scratch out these two sentences all together. It would make for a smooth transition from the speaker not focusing to leaving class.
Why not cigarettes?! Who's questioning you? We, the readers, certainly aren't.
Should be: "the smell of cigarette smoke." These two sentences just seem unrealistic. In writing, you can't just get away with saying "for some reason" and being too lazy to go into the motives behind the action. Tell us what triggered that implication that you were allergic to cigarette smoke!
These are probably my favorite lines in the whole piece, because of their simplicity and honesty. Love them. But you don't need the word "somehow" at the end of the third sentence - it makes the speaker sound unsure.
Oh, please, I'm sure you could come up with a better adjective than "super-ugly"! The speaker is in college, not in elementary school.
I see what you're trying to do here.. but it's just not working. Too forced. Try something like "my heart could collapse at any time."
Whoa, whoa. So many conflicting emotions in this paragraph. Here's how I read it: "Light cigarette. Yes, smoke it! No, don't smoke it. Maybe smoke it? No, I hate smoking. Yes, I hate coughing. Yes, smoking! Fine, I'll give in to a cough. More cough! No stop! Anger whooo! More smoking! More cough! Anger from other people, whoo! Shut up, angry people! Just let me smoke!" I'm not trying to offend you at all, but this could be made so much more concise if you cut out half of this wishy-washy stuff. It's an important enough part to your story that you should make it as direct as you can.
And the ending was entirely predictable. I think you just need to work with grammar, add imagery, and cut it down to a fine point of conciseness, and you'll be good to go!
Keep writing!
~Indie.
I will try to write better next time. I want to improve my English and my style. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing
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I mentioned pharmacology because it is my first course of the major I'm studying.
Scratching and getting nercous was concerted. This professor was the first person ever she saw that her future culd be just like his
Why she mentioned "hyper-allergic of smoke"
Because she was kinda sure she was doing the right thing and that would make an easier faster suecide...
Thank you so much!
Have a nice day
Ya halla, Ilham!
I'm here to review, as promised. So let's start with ze critique:
Cool start. It's reeling, it's hooking, it makes you want to read more. In other words it does what a first-line is supposed to do.
(*I was typing away then I looked up and found that I've written %u0639%u0647%u0644%u0627%u0631%u0644%u0639%u0647 %u0642%u0644%u0627%u0639%u0639%u0627%u063A%u0631 %u0628%u0631%u063A%u0639%u0644%u0631%u0628 lol*)
The transition between the two sentences here was very abrupt. I know that you mean to show your thoughts as you think them, but it could be done in a smoother way.
Another thing: 'He was grey and white' isn't enough to describe such a vital character. I mean, isn't he the reason your main character did what she did? Come up with something: the way he spoke/ the clothes he wore/ his attitude.. anything, it's really up to you.
though---> thought
Note: I love the way your thoughts are so choppy in that paragraph. It makes me feel your inner trauma.
Okay, so she knew she was reaaaaally allergic, yet she bought the cigarettes? O.O
The last two sentences should be linked, like: I added a lighter, then I paid. It makes it sound smoother.
Capital W. I think that's my favorite paragraph.
There----> They
Punktshooayshn: add a comma before "It's
Two things here:
1) Punctuation: End with a full stop.
2) This is a personal opinion, but maybe leaving out the comma after 'Though' will be better.. So it can give it that feel of a conclusion.
So that's all the nit-picks! Overall this anecdote is thoughtful and though-provoking at the same time, the intent struggle of an intelligent mind. Thanks for asking me to read it! I love it. If you want me to review anything else, just drop me a line. (Or more than a line- we can dominate this site as well
That's all I have! See you around, take care, study well etc. and all that
Cheers!
XO
Alpha
Hey ...
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First I clarified why him "because he was the first person ever to be an old pharmacist" that's it...
ummm ... honestlt, I wrote this piece on hurry and didn't want to review it even. don't know why
I will correct the mistakes
Thank you honeeey <3
She showed a definite suicide
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