Shaded Yesterday Night

by IlhamAlKhatib

Published February 22, 2013

In Start

I was all alone, cold

I looked out of my window

I cried a little

Nobody walked the streets

Yesterday night was very dark

But in between all of those candy lights

I saw your shadow

I saw your white face

& your lovely teeth shown,

Smiling for me

I know that face looked black in the darkness

But I really saw your smiling face whispering somewhere near; "Stay fine !!"

I stared at your face and smiled

I know you don't know me

Or where I live

Plus, the fact that you wouldn't cross 1000 miles to here just to say that.

But I did feel good.

I did smile and sleep :))

(Feel free for critique, Though I wrote it on hurry)

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
WritingWolf
Review
WritingWolf wrote a review Review · Feb 25, 2013

This is very pretty, I really liked it. I feel inspired to write a story now(LOL, thats just how I am).

It flowed nicely most of the time, and it had a nice feel to it.

I could definitely understand how the point of view character was feeling.

This was really nice. I think it was quite beautiful and I hope to read more of your work someday. :)

Hey, WritingWolf, thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Thank you so much for the nice words!
Keep me followed.
You made my day, wolf.

Have a nice day :))

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DreamsRain Comment
DreamsRain commented Comment · Feb 23, 2013

This poem is pretty, but the begining, i thought was a bit bumpy and didnt really flow together. I love the song reference though, cause i love that song. Just keep writing for there are always ways to improve.

I am a sucker for love even if its one sided, so i thought your poem over all was pretty good.

Ahaa... thanx for reading and reviewing :))

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Littlewing
Review
Littlewing wrote a review Review · Feb 22, 2013

Hello, littlewing here :)

I love the theme of your poem - I can definitely relate to that contemplative feeling you get when you stare out of the window some nights...

However, I think some imagery or descriptive language is needed to really convey the atmosphere you are trying to achieve. Think of some interesting words that carry ore meaning, for example than "cold" and "dark". Come up with some metaphors or similes to really illustrate the dark nights or the lights or the face you saw. This then creates a stronger impression on the reader - allows them to grasp onto it and interpret it in their own way.

As far as structure goes, perhaps you should go back through it, adding some punctuation. There are several places where you finish a sentence, but have no full stop or other punctuation. I understand that this may interfere with the flow of the poem, so alternatively you could alter the sentences to make sense without punctuation between them. These are just a few examples...

I was all alone, cold<--

I looked out of my window<--

I cried a little<--


Some nitpicks about word choice...

Plus, the fact that you wouldn't cross 1000 miles to here just to say that.
I think a simple "and" would sound better here, instead of "plus".
But I really saw your smiling face whispering somewhere near,,, "Stay fine !!"
I would only use one comma, and one exclamation mark.

Overall, I thought this was a really lovely piece - I really enjoyed reading it! Keep up the good work! I hope this has been useful - they are just suggestions so feel free to disregard them :)

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing...
Regarding, the last 2 notes about the last line. I saw them when I posted this, but I edited it. I don't know why it's still here :))
Have a nice day

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KylaThompson
Review
KylaThompson wrote a review Review · Feb 22, 2013

Hello I'm Kyla, and I'm here to leave you a review. :) I think it was really good! Did you write this yourself? I do see some punctuations, but I think it flowed really good; you were trying to make a point and you made it. I like how it kinda of had a mysterious tone to it. Very entertaining, I think. :)

Thank you so much, girl !! :))

You are very welcome!! :)



Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot