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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Errors i found.
1."we're looking eyes?" Maybe explain what eyes.
Iffy's i have found
1. it doesnt seem like you put much effort into this piece
2. it seems you dont really care about what is going on.
3. it is too short. i WANT it to be longer NEED it to be longer.
Goods
1. it has a good lead i see what you are trying to get to.
Other than that its okay.
Keep writing! Hawinay
Thank you !!
Just a warning before you continue, this is nothing like Anna's, so if you want 'sugar coated' and not improve at all, move no further.
As much as I'd like to elaborate on the content, I just simply can't -- there's no worth in it. I'd like you to realize, that what you wrote is no poem, there are no stanzas, no verses, no flow, no proper use of breaks, it's just a slump of text jointed together without any magic or beauty. Let me give you an example of a romance poetry, so you'd understand what I'm getting at.
This is a cut from W.B. Yeats' poetry:
Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.
This is a poem as it should be; it's got a stanza (one), verses (6, a b a b format), it's got flow, that makes it more interesting to read and also gives it a fair beauty. Compare this one stanza poem with yours, do you see the difference? In case you have little experience with poetry, I'd suggest looking up poems from authors like Edgar Allan Poe (An author that uses fixated format of verses), or if you'd like to work with free verse more (no strict formations), look up Walt Whitman.
Poetry is supposed to be a beauty shared with people, not a slump of sentences without anything that a proper poem should have. Real poetry has its own magic with the flow, the content that it has, even if it might be typical, already gives a much better impression to any reader than if you wrote it like a prose (which you've just did).
Until you've written what could be counted as a poem, there is no use in discussing the content as it hardly clasifies for the literature area you've picked. If you want to write real poetry, first write what clasifies as a poem, then people will be able to help you with how to fix your flow or verses, would look more into the content of the poem and in overall boost your ability to be a poet.
Best regards,
~Shinda
Oh you're tough, girl !!
But thank you,, and I'll go on with your advice !!
I liked this. I liked the idea that closeness in mind and distance in reality is better than closeness in reality (or at least physically close) and distant mentally. It was simple and well summarised, the use of ellipsis was effective and I could see no grammatical or spelling mistakes. I had a problem with. "feels colder than a block of ice" because it was the only simile or attempt at imagry, and therefore felt out of place/ a little awkward. I also think that you could have thought of a better simile to use because that one is a little over used and cliche. Overall though, this said a lot with very little words and had a lot of impact for such a short piece. Well done, keep writing!
Thank you so much, buddy !!
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