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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Yo yo yo.
I'm jumping in at the end of review day to give you some feedback.
First off, I had to read this twice because the first time through I was so captivated by the language that I forgot to read like a reviewer and just read like a reader enjoying a good poem.
With that being said, the second time around the big thing that stuck out was that I think you could work on the rhythm of this piece a little bit more. It read well, but as I tried to read it out loud I got stuck a couple times because the rhythm would be consistent up until certain lines and I would mess up the reading.
I am a huge fan of reading your work aloud as many times as necessary. I'll keep reading out loud until I can read the whole thing without changing a single thing. I think with this one it might even help more to have someone else read it out loud, so you can see where they might stumble, since you would probably not notice the changes since you wrote them that way and know how you would say it.
All that to say that it might be cool to see if you can fit this into one of the poetry meters. I think a lot of the lines were iambic and it would sound really great if the whole thing was as well.
I love the line "yet for the heart." It just sounds so incredibly beautiful. You have an awesome talent with arranging words in such a beautiful way.
I loved the way you wrote this, using words like "avowed", "thus" and phrases like "silver tongue" and "golden words". Every single word flows so beautifully and keeps the reader captive within this beautiful, amazing work of art. The meaning is so deep and you embody it so well, it's easy for the reader to follow the story and meaning of the poem. I don't think I've ever seen another work like this one that so perfectly flows from the heart and touches it also
This is so beautiful!
This is so beautiful!
Hello!
Okay, so I'm here to help and I'm going to be honest. If I say anything that offends you... well, don't be offended, there was no offense intended. (omigosh that rhymed!)
So, I think the biggest problem with this is that it seems like you're trying to be poetic. Like, you're trying to use flowery language, archaic language so that it makes you sound old and wise and stuff, but you don't really use them in a way that helps your poem.
The phrases like "it be held" is more reminiscent of pirates than it is of dignified, old poetry. If anything, that should be phrased "is it held," but honestly, I feel like if you just wrote this poem the way that you personally speak, it would become a lot clearer to a lot of people. There's something about being able to understand something that makes it more impactful. Also, if you write how you speak, perhaps your voice will shine through. And that always makes a stronger poem.
I don't know if this was just your outdated and awkward language getting in the way of meaning, but I feel like this poem was... kind of about nothing. Like I can see that there is emotion here, but I'm not getting it. But the catches of meaning that I did grasp were pretty cliche. I suggest you explore lesser-done topics, and seek to find your voice.
There are other, smaller things about this poem that I believe you could fix, but I think those two things are really the biggest things.
You have some really good things going here, and I like that you're experimenting. I'm just telling you my honest opinion of this poem. ^^
Let me know if you have any questions. I'd love to be of help.
Keep writing!
~fortis
Haha xD No, you're fine! It's nice to receive a different point of view once in a while ;D If not for that, how we ever grow? I'm sorry if I disappoint you, but I'm not sure I can make such changes to this. If I were to make those alterations, I feel as if the writing would no longer be my own. For example, "it is held" is quite simplistic. Perhaps the reader would then be able to understand the meaning of the poem better? But to refashion one line? I'd need to do the same to rest... I didn't write this with the intention for someone to quickly grasp onto. I took up my pencil and spewed what came to mind.
I'm curious though! What was your take of it? What did my "archaic" ramblings mean to you?
I said "is it held" rather than "it is held" because "is it held" would still fit the old style you're writing with and wouldn't sound like a pirate stepped into a royal english court.
And of course the writing would be your own. You don't have to just stick to one particular style in your writing. Voices and styles morph over time. You don't have to do exactly what I suggest, but I do think that this poem would be a lot better if you stopped this "trying to be poetic" thing that I'm grasping on.
And I think the goal of poetry, in part, is for it to be understandable language-wise, if not metaphor-wise. The poetry that has made me feel the most has been written in simple language, using words and sentence structures conventional to the era in which it was written. But the same poem has images that are symbolic of something that is not always immediately apparent. However, something in my subconsciousness understood the poem and gave me these feelings. That would be good use of connotation. One YWSer who I think does the best at this sort of thing is LadySpark. Maybe you could read some of her poetry to see what I mean.
As for what I think the meaning of this poem is....
There's a lot of things that get in the way of the meaning, so most of this is extrapolating, but it sounds like someone loved someone else, completely devoted to them, and the other person didn't love them back. That's a rather cliche topic. We've heard that story thousands of times before. That's what I meant in my review when I said that.
Hmm... It does sound rather more like a pirate than of someone with sophisticated grace, doesn't it? I wasn't quite looking to meet the former, but I certainly didn't intend for the latter either.
I've still got a lot way to go in my writing... *shrug* I won't deny that. I'll definitely take a look at her writing. She probably puts mine to shame xD
Perhaps you are right... It seems as if my meaning was lost. This poem isn't about unrequited love, really. I can understand how the last stanza may give that impression, but take a look at the one before. The world can so easily be bought of false pretentions, but the same things that may take it? Don't truly win the heart. "The world thus be bought/Of silver tongue/And golden words/Yet for the heart, what be the cost?" Or the first? "The price paid makes not it yours..." "Ransom you could not afford." How hard is to be loved if you don't love completely yourself? So in response to your understanding? On neither part was anyone really devoted.
And thanks
That meaning behind your poem is rather abstract. One of my personal rules-- and you don't have to follow this but I find it personally a good way to convey exactly what you want to in a way that probably hasn't been done before-- is that if you're writing about an abstract thing, you need to use mostly concrete images, and if you're writing about a concrete thing, you still use concrete images, but you use ones that aren't seen as much.
For example, if you were to talk about love, your poem might have images like the loopy handwriting on a love note or the catch in his voice when he says her name. Whatever. Things that the reader can specifically see or hear etc.
And if you were to write about a tree or a sunset, you would do your best to avoid cliches, the things people always say about those things, and still try to provide images that the reader can witness for his or herself.
And we're all on different points in our poetry journey. I bet spark's poems once sounded like yours, and eventually, you will be able to write at the level she's at. ^^ Practice practice~
I can tell you truly engrossed yourself in this poem. I can feel the emotional bearing that you are trying to convey.. Amazing job(:
Hello! racket here to review your poem!
This is quite interesting, wording wise, in some places. I really like it; it's very elegant and smooth. I only have a few suggestions for you, so bear with me.
This is a confusing line. After a bit of thought, you can figure out what it means, but you may want to reword it. I think you may have worked a bit too hard on making your wording elegant and sophisticated here.
I know you purposely wrote 'beared' in the first line of the second stanza, but I believe 'bore' would work a bit better with the rest of the context, and it is an actual word. This is nothing against your usage of 'beared'. Could I ask you why you decided to use 'beared' instead of 'bore'?
I feel like this line deserves at least a comma, and possibly a period, at the end, as I feel the need to pause between this line and the question beneath it when reading.
Also, a comma at the end of the first line of the last stanza would be good.
One more thing; your poem deserves an ending! You don't have a period at the end to complete the ending, so, yeah, that would be beneficial. It doesn't quite feel finished with out a period, yes?
Well, that's all my suggestions! Well done. This is very, very well written and it sounds so sophisticated, philosophical almost. I appreciated the line
Wonderful transition, and it ties into the title nicely. Your title is fine in my opinion as well, just so you know. This is great! Good job! I enjoyed reading and reviewing this! Keep up the good work!
~racket
I'm glad you enjoyed it! -And I truly appreciate the feedback. To be completely honest? I can't even remember why the use of "beared" seemed to be so important to me... ??? I have my moments, I'm afraid xD I do believe you are right. On that note, I should probably adjust the punctuation as well. Thank you so much!
You're welcome! XD We all have weird stubborn moments. XD