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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
This is REALLY good. You should write more like this. Love the way you write.
Aw, thanks!
Very interesting take on the idea of loneliness. You have captured the emotion perfectly, most people are not lonely because they are forced to be but because something, in this case the captor, is forcing them to do. People are closed in to themselves because of this other worldly force which prevents them from breaking out. I love how you have personified loneliness, I would encourage you to take this a bit perfect, for me, judging from this, I see a beautiful, strong but evil woman, describe that, make me see her truly in the way you do. I would also recommend in the line 'She plays captor. I’m held captive.' to change captive to prisoner, to avoid repetition. Also maybe expand after the sentence 'I'm suffocating', make me understand how it feels and why you are suffocating
Very well done
please check out some of my work!
Thank you!
I think I actually had "prisoner" originally, but I had to change it for English class... my teacher... anyway! I think you're absolutely right. After "I'm suffocating" would be a great place for expansion.
And will do!
teachers are not always right! But when they are marking you work its best to do as they say of course
Hi there! This is an incredibly interesting piece. Personifying loneliness as a woman was a great idea and I think it has great potential to be expanded into something longer. The descriptions are really good and the short sentences added to the mood of the piece.
Good job, and keep writing!
Thank you!
Hello. My name is TeaLeaf. I am going to be reviewing your story.
This is a short story so it is going to be a short review.
First things first, I enjoyed the imagery in your piece. It is very vivid and haunting, and creates a feeling of desperation and the impression of being ensnared in a never ending cat and mouse game. It creates that dreaded feeling of being alone.
The element that I like the most is the way that you have portrayed loneliness as a faceless and nameless poignant figure. I am sure that many people who have suffered or suffer from loneliness will be able to relate to this.
I do agree with what you have stated at the beginning. I do think that this story has a lot of potential and that it could become even better with some expansion on the protagonist and fleshing out the setting.
It is a good small piece.
- TeaLeaf
Thank you. I will work on an expansion to this -and will let you know when it's done. I hope you'll be willing to read that as well
Merci!
Amazing! I agree on the last sentence: "...., Loneliness fears being alone." You are a great writer. Keep it up!
Aw, thanks!