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Hello~

You say leave constructive criticism so here I am <3

Alright, I do like the rhyme. I also liked the idea of the twist at the end, having the narrator be the killer instead of being someone who lost someone they loved. Also, here's a great helpful place for getting the formatting right on YWS, be sure to read the comments. How to format your poetry on YWS

Overall I think your poem could do better with some more detail and variety of langauge. Right now you have quite a few repetitious words which could be traded out or buffed up. For instance, instead of just calling red, red, try calling it something else too, like maybe crimson. It's hardest to change up color words because all colors are so exact, but because colors are so exact, make sure you've got exactly the color you want to come across. Another example is you say the night is black, but when I look at the night sky, I see blues, purples, reds, yellows, and other colors depending on where you look, what time of night, and how much light is around the city you're living in. Be creative with it. The better your Imagery, the better the poem will be.

So let's move on to the other half of the rhymes. I don't really like when a poem rhymes and doesn't rhyme. It's alright if it's consistent, like abcb defe, but you have something more along the lines of adding another line that doesn't rhyme after each set, which really doesn't work. The pattern has to be consistent. If it's not, it's going to throw off readers and alert them to the pattern in a sharp awakening.

I think your poem would really improve if you also considered your capitalization pattern, punctuation, and other grammars of your poem. Right now you have really long sentences which can be hard to read all in one breath, and hard to relate as sentences. Sentences should just have one idea after all, and with how many commas you have connecting these sentences, it's hard to imagine that it's just one idea.

As for the capitalization, I think you should take a look at this Capitalization in Poetry and check out the capitalization for sentences instead of lines. Right now your poem is really broken up with pauses at the end of lines, which this article: Kiss My Assonance - 5 ways to improve your poetry calls end-stopping. To me end stopping is a negative thing because when you get really nice lines like "the red of the blood/still left on my knife," we want to stop after blood due to the habit we've formed of reading that way. If you take out the beginning capitalization, our brains will have less of a chance to do the end-stopping at lines where it is not needed.

Also if you consider re-doing your punctuation, which Pray Perpetuate Poetry Punctuation, Poetry and Punctuation, ABC's of Punctuation in Poetry, and/or Punctuation&amp;Poetry: New poet's guide [Can't I leave it out?] can help you with, I would suggest going with normal sentence structure for it instead of how you breathe and read the poem. They should be one and the same, but you're using a lot of commas for things that hyphens, semi-colons, and just straight stops can do. "The blue of your lips/ turned from the cold, / the white of your skin,/ pale to behold, / the red of the blood/ still left on my knife,/ the black that seemed endless,/ that ran through the night." This sentence is either a bunch of little sentences, or there is a clause that's missing which joins all of these together under one roof, such as "I watched" or "I saw" or "I mourned" or "I worshiped" which all could add a little more personality to this narrator we have who just stabbed someone.

So anyway, check out the articles or don't. I just wanted to show you that there are a lot of ideas out there which are hidden away in our resources forum.

I think you need to work on the punctuation, creating a bit more of a unique experience, and enriching the narrator to more of a personality rather than just a tool to show us colors. Your rhymes are good, and with consistency they can work even better.

-Aley

Well done.

I think it's fine without the stanza's.

I just read this, and i can just say that i'm blown away. I'm a poet myself, and sometimes i know how difficult it can be to put words together. I manage to do so, however. I absolutely adore the line ; " The black that seemed endless, that ran through the night." Just, wow. My friend, you should keep up the brilliant work. Feliz escribir!

Wow. I'm ... shocked. That ending was awesome and unexpected. I loved the black, red, blue and white. Your descriptions were short but thought inspiring. I wasn't a huge fan of the line "pale to behold" but that is my personal preference. I really liked the rhyme scheme through the whole poem. The red description was awesome. "the red Of anger, Of hate" I loved that. Great job.

This was beautiful! The beginning had excellent rhyming, and honestly, I think without stanzas, it is better, if not a bit loose. The rhyming was good, especially when you said,
Then came the red

Of anger,

Of hate,

But the worse was the black

It showed they came far too late.
Wonderful lines, and exquisite rhyming! The only part I would objectify (and this is just my opinion) is how you ended it. I like the vocabulary you used; the words were deep and powerful. However, the ending didn't really rhyme like your previous patterns, or even rhyme at all. I really do like the sentences you used, though, so I think I could excuse the non rhyming; it sort of brings attention to the lines, but it's a bit of a mind pain, if you know what I mean.
Great poem! Hey, I'm feeling a bit dense here, so if you could explain what this is about (is it just a murder?), I would really appreciate it! Loved it! Keep writing, you are good at it! xoxo
-+1 (nickname)

This is amazing! I totally love it! The words in it are beautiful and hold the description together without making it fall apart in confusion. I love it when you said, "The white of your skin, Pale to behold, The red of the blood Still left in my knife..." This is sort of kike my book, I was wondering if I could use this at the beginning of my book... it's okay if you say no, I would understand.

I am planning on publishing the book big, and sot self publish. So... But it will still be about 2 years till I finish writing it. And you never know if you are going to get the gig anyways...

But I am still just wondering...

Keep it up, and please get back to me on this!

I love this! It's incredibly dark, but you don't know that at first. I was thinking that someone had died, because the colours seemed like a symbol for a grieving process... But it was far more than I had thought.

It shook me, and took me off guard; darling this was written so freakin' well, I just might cry! I mean someone who knows a lot more about poetry will probably come along and point out some things that I am oblivious to... but in my opinion, this is perfect, minus one thing.

I don't like the repeat of:

The black seemed endless, as it ran through the night.