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The Prophecy Revealed Chapter 4.2

by Honora


Previously: After Cowan hurt Evrial both mentally and physically, she decides to ignore his warning. Going to King Isaac, she starts to wonder if confessing her true nature is such a good idea.

"Continue, Evrial." His simple order and use of her name made her nervous. A sudden feeling of cowardice threatened to lie but she pressed on.

"Your Majesty, this is a difficult thing for me to say. To confess really. I know what killed Rachel... I-I know because I am a creature of shapes," she paused, awaiting his wrath but when silence met her, she continued, "my shape is that of a Vorg, hence the reason I know what killed her. You may not believe me your Majesty, but I assure you it was a Crassus who took her life.” She knelt on the cold ground and waited for his reply. The silence in the room was unsettling and she could no longer take it. She glanced up to his face. To her surprise and relief, he was smiling down on her, "You are not angry?"

He chuckled as he walked around his cluttered desk and stood before her, making her stand with him, "Evrial, I have known for years of your hidden…well, hidden character. I know that you have two shapes which is a rare quality indeed. I know basically everything about you." His words startled her. He knew? Once again, she was hit with so many emotions. Her world was being flipped around on her and she hadn’t even had time to blink an eye. So many questions…but only one wouldn’t leave her.

"Sir, may I ask how you know of this and why I have not been hanged...if I am not mistaken, I believe that you hate everything to do with any form of magic.” She restrained herself from smacking her own face. Hanging? I brought up hanging…to the one man who hates me for who I am.. Way to go there Evrial! He chuckled again, making her feel very uneasy. He was taking this too lightly. This was the calm before the storm, she knew. He was merely toying with her. Although, how would he know about my second shape? She only mentioned one.

"Let me explain from the beginning, but before I start, I just want to say that I admire your courage in admitting this to me."

He smiled encouragingly and motioned to the chairs on the other side of the room. When they were both seated, he started, "When you were just a babe, your kin, who have named themselves Haines, had a falling out with my kingdom. I was going to banish them from Calderon and slaughter those who refused to leave but instead, they made a proposal. They offered me peace, they offered me their most cherished member in exchange for their quiet stay in the furthest part of my kingdom. I was reluctant to accept but Queen Pauline, my first wife, urged me to accept. She hated bloodshed and wished to resolve it once and for all," he drifted off and Evrial could tell he was remembering his time with his deceased wife, "Well, I accepted and they gave me you. A babe? Not at all what I expected. I thought I was going to get a brute, a man of shear force and power. I did not understand how you, a little child, could be their most valued member. I thought… I thought they were trying to cheat me of my end of the deal and in retaliation, I killed the two Hainian deliverers and sent their heads back to your kin. I am ashamed now but I went on with my plans. I banished them to Lithian and slaughtered any that remained." He lowered his head and shook it ruefully, "I was going to kill you too, but thankfully, my better half stopped me from making such a cruel act towards a helpless child. I had other reasons to want you dead but she stopped me. It was not until a few years later that I realized your significance. Your guardians –who you have known to be your foster parents– whom I sent you to after, came to me and explained how you would be a Vorg one minute, a hawk the next and yourself the next. When they became too old to care for you properly just ten years ago, they brought you here, where I made Mr. Cander care for you. You grew up as a servant and to answer the question I see forming, that is what you shall remain until further notice."

Evrial was speechless. King Isaac knew about her the whole time and never did a thing about it. She was one of the most prized members of her kin? What kin? She was led to believe that there wasn't anyone else with the abilities she possessed. She was led to believe that she was human with special qualities. How could all this come to pass without her knowing something was going on? So many questions flew through her head but once again, only one pushed itself to her most prominent thoughts.

"I know that Mother and Father weren’t my blood parents but I was told I was an orphan. Are my parents alive then?"

"I don't know. They were not the deliverers, I do know that but where they are, their wellbeing and who they are escape my knowledge. Evrial, just know that I am very relieved and very happy that you now know of your past. Believe it or not, it was hard for me at times to have you serve me my porridge in the morning or to have you pour my coffee. There were so many times I wanted you to know, for I knew that you could help me with something, but I couldn't. I am glad that you came to me with this,” he stopped and looked at her, truly looking at her, taking in every detail as if it would be the last time he saw her, "I must let you go. You need to rest and think of everything we have discussed. We will talk again soon, when you have this all sorted out with yourself."

She took her dismissal and walked slowly back to her room, still in a daze. He had spoken to her so softly it was as if it was all a dream. She almost wished it was a dream. Everything she had known, or at least thought she had known, was a lie. Mr. Cander worked for King Isaac? Was his love and affection part of an act? No…much had changed but that? That she knew was not a lie. He was the one thing in her life right now that she knew was right. She knew she could rely on him.

Even Cowan, who she was so sure of just that morning, was not someone she felt she could be with. His words stung and she didn’t appreciate the bruise beginning to form on her arm. He threw her against that wall none too gently. Thinking back, she couldn’t believe how he had treated her. Words she could take. Hurting her physically…that was an entirely different matter. That was no way for a gentleman to act and she should have told him so. She was going to talk to him and let him know what she thought when he “found time” for her. One thing she knew for sure was that this wasn’t how their relationship would progress. He would either smarten up and come to terms with who she really was or she would leave. As much as it would pain her to do so.

She opened the door to her room and laid down on her bed. She cuddled up in the blankets and thought about everything. Rachel’s death, her future discussion with Cowan and everything she just learned from the most powerful man in all of Calderon.


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155 Reviews


Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

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Mon May 06, 2019 3:37 pm
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Toboldlygo says...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out of the Green Room, shall we?

First of all, I love that you have a summary of the previous chapters. Some people dislike it but it really is very helpful for people who may have been away from YWS or are being introduced in the middle of the story and want to find out if they like your writing before they go back and begin from the beginning. Plus, it's just a helpful way of reminding your readers what happened previously so that we don't have to go back and read everything- and the more chapters you write, the more helpful it becomes!

But enough of that, on to the review itself!

I think this chapter does help in offering some explanation for your story and world, but I was left feeling as if there wasn't enough to make me feel that questions had been cleared up. There was some explanation regarding Evrial's history, but that was it. Meanwhile, we are left wondering what the dispute was between her people and the king, and whether they were sent to farthest corner of the kingdom or banished entirely is left vague. Did the king turn back on his word? Then did they try to get baby Evrial back? This explanation section is okay, but it's not great because it offers some detail but doesn't give much more than that.

Regarding the story's genre, it seems to progress somewhat slowly for something that's labeled action/adventure. Sure, it doesn't need to, and really shouldn't, be filled with action/violence/adventure every single chapter. It would get old and would definitely not compliment your style. However, it would be nice to have more of a suspense in each chapter. I think there could be real potential for a climax in this story that each chapter slowly builds towards, and it would make them more exciting to read and enticing to read when a new chapter comes out. Right now, I don't get the sense that the story is building towards anything, and having that element added to it would make it more enticing to wonder about.

I like how you portray the king, but I wonder if there will be any more character development with him? There has been an introduction and history to these two characters and how they relate to each other, so I hope I will see some more character development both as an individual and how he relates to Evrial.

Overall, this has been really great! I haven't read everything all the way through but I've now read a couple chapters out of order, and I'm interested enough to go back to the beginning and read all the way through, so very good job with that! Keep it up!

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo




Toboldlygo says...


Sorry for the double comment, not sure what happened...



Honora says...


Thanks for the review! It has been helpful! I am glad you like it enough to go back to the beginning. This is the first story I%u2019ve gotten this far on and it is encouraging! I also really apprec your criticism because it will be the only way for me to learn and improve!
Thanks again! :D



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155 Reviews


Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

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Mon May 06, 2019 3:32 pm
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this piece out of the Green Room, shall we?

First of all, I love that you have a summary of the previous chapters. Some people dislike it but it really is very helpful for people who may have been away from YWS or are being introduced in the middle of the story and want to find out if they like your writing before they go back and begin from the beginning. Plus, it's just a helpful way of reminding your readers what happened previously so that we don't have to go back and read everything- and the more chapters you write, the more helpful it becomes!

But enough of that, on to the review itself!

I think this chapter does help in offering some explanation for your story and world, but I was left feeling as if there wasn't enough to make me feel that questions had been cleared up. There was some explanation regarding Evrial's history, but that was it. Meanwhile, we are left wondering what the dispute was between her people and the king, and whether they were sent to farthest corner of the kingdom or banished entirely is left vague. Did the king turn back on his word? Then did they try to get baby Evrial back? This explanation section is okay, but it's not great because it offers some detail but doesn't give much more than that.

Regarding the story's genre, it seems to progress somewhat slowly for something that's labeled action/adventure. Sure, it doesn't need to, and really shouldn't, be filled with action/violence/adventure every single chapter. It would get old and would definitely not compliment your style. However, it would be nice to have more of a suspense in each chapter. I think there could be real potential for a climax in this story that each chapter slowly builds towards, and it would make them more exciting to read and enticing to read when a new chapter comes out. Right now, I don't get the sense that the story is building towards anything, and having that element added to it would make it more enticing to wonder about.

I like how you portray the king, but I wonder if there will be any more character development with him? There has been an introduction and history to these two characters and how they relate to each other, so I hope I will see some more character development both as an individual and how he relates to Evrial.

Overall, this has been really great! I haven't read everything all the way through but I've now read a couple chapters out of order, and I'm interested enough to go back to the beginning and read all the way through, so very good job with that! Keep it up!

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo




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Points: 7275
Reviews: 126

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Mon Mar 25, 2019 6:07 pm
xJade wrote a review...



Hey. Professor Jade here with a (very detailed) review. Line by line. Letter by letter. I really love your writing style and I hope this helps improve it! Let's just begin. ;)
I might be harsh, but PLEASE don't take it personally, I don't mean to offend you or diss your art.

First of all, and this is just a personal preference, don't do previously at the top. If people like the series, they will remember what was last. Plus, you get chapters out fast, no time to forget anything. Make them work a bit to read it, handing it to them all at once makes them bored. Trust me on this.

FIRST PARAGRAPH:
"Continue, Evrial." His simple order and use of her name made her nervous. A sudden feeling of cowardice threatened to lie but she pressed on.

The first paragraph is a great way to get things started, it's like waking the reader up to say, "Hey, remember this. It's go time!" The detail makes you feel a flutter in your heart so I applaud this first one.

SECOND PARAGRAPH:
"Your Majesty, this is a difficult thing for me to say. To confess really. I know what killed Rachel... I-I know because I am a creature of shapes," she paused, awaiting his wrath but when silence met her, she continued, "my shape is that of a Vorg, hence the reason I know what killed her. You may not believe me your Majesty, but I assure you it was a Crassus who took her life.” She knelt on the cold ground and waited for his reply. The silence in the room was unsettling and she could no longer take it. She glanced up to his face. To her surprise and relief, he was smiling down on her, "You are not angry?"

OK, this was long. The first one was two, this is a lot longer. I know you have to explain, but maybe write it more like this:

"Your Majesty, this is a difficult thing for me to say. To confess really. I know what killed Rachel... I-I know because I am a creature of shapes," she said with fear.

She held her breath, awaiting his wrath. But when silence met her, she continued, "my shape is that of a Vorg, hence the reason I know what killed her. You may not believe me your Majesty, but I assure you it was a Crassus who took her life.”

She knelt on the cold ground and waited for his reply. The silence in the room was unsettling and she could no longer take it. She glanced up to his face. To her surprise and relief, he was smiling down on her, "You are not angry?"

I promise I'm not trying to co-write your book! Shorter means packing in more detail and not leaving the reader wondering "who's saying what" or losing interest. I made this mistake in my writing at first, too. it had to be pointed out so I hope that helps.

The chapter was great in detail and I tensed, thinking the king would yell at her. Congrats, it's hard to make me feel for characters sometimes. You pulled it off!


THIRD PARAGRAPH:
He chuckled as he walked around his cluttered desk and stood before her, making her stand with him, "Evrial, I have known for years of your hidden…well, hidden character. I know that you have two shapes which is a rare quality indeed. I know basically everything about you." His words startled her. He knew? Once again, she was hit with so many emotions. Her world was being flipped around on her and she hadn’t even had time to blink an eye. So many questions…but only one wouldn’t leave her.

(I'll stop mentioning the long paragraphs.) OK, so maybe die down on the ...'s. It shows he's thinking of words, yes, but a comma does the same and makes it look less, well, compact. We want everything to flow for an easy, entertaining read. The flow was off a bit too, not just with the dots. I think the way you ended that paragraph was top-notch, it makes the reader want to see the next. And the next. And the next. But remember what i said about the dots! PLEASE! I used to do that and people told me it made them cringe. It didn't make me cringe but please use them sparingly. When you do, people take it more seriously.

FOURTH PARAGRAPH:
"Sir, may I ask how you know of this and why I have not been hanged...if I am not mistaken, I believe that you hate everything to do with any form of magic.” She restrained herself from smacking her own face. Hanging? I brought up hanging…to the one man who hates me for who I am.. Way to go there Evrial! He chuckled again, making her feel very uneasy. He was taking this too lightly. This was the calm before the storm, she knew. He was merely toying with her. Although, how would he know about my second shape? She only mentioned one.

First off, why is she calling the king sir? If she's relieved yet confused and intimidated how does she manage to not stutter, not tremble. More detail please. And maybe have her call him your Majesty, your Highness, my Lord. That's up to you though. Also, again with the dots!!!!
Read it aloud and ask yourself, "What am I missing?" Any important character or plot details. Let's make everything more real."
Also, I couldn't connect to Evrial in this paragraph, I feel you explained how she felt instead of showing us. I'm guilty of this too, but don't be like me.

FIFTH PARAGRAPH:
"Let me explain from the beginning, but before I start, I just want to say that I admire your courage in admitting this to me."

This gives us a good glance on whom the king is, it's short but to the point, though the sentence is a run-on. Avoid that in future, please. Also check to see if other words would be better. Again: I'm not trying to co-write, but I would've phrased it as:

"Allow me to explain from the beginning, my dear. Before I start, though, I'd like to say I admired you coming to me with the truth. I think highly of courage."

But, that's me. Do write him however you see fit and don't feel you have to take any of my advice. I hope I'm not wasting your time!

SIXTH PARAGRAPH:
He smiled encouragingly and motioned to the chairs on the other side of the room. When they were both seated, he started, "When you were just a babe, your kin, who have named themselves Haines, had a falling out with my kingdom. I was going to banish them from Calderon and slaughter those who refused to leave but instead, they made a proposal. They offered me peace, they offered me their most cherished member in exchange for their quiet stay in the furthest part of my kingdom. I was reluctant to accept but Queen Pauline, my first wife, urged me to accept. She hated bloodshed and wished to resolve it once and for all," he drifted off and Evrial could tell he was remembering his time with his deceased wife, "Well, I accepted and they gave me you. A babe? Not at all what I expected. I thought I was going to get a brute, a man of shear force and power. I did not understand how you, a little child, could be their most valued member. I thought… I thought they were trying to cheat me of my end of the deal and in retaliation, I killed the two Hainian deliverers and sent their heads back to your kin. I am ashamed now but I went on with my plans. I banished them to Lithian and slaughtered any that remained." He lowered his head and shook it ruefully, "I was going to kill you too, but thankfully, my better half stopped me from making such a cruel act towards a helpless child. I had other reasons to want you dead but she stopped me. It was not until a few years later that I realized your significance. Your guardians –who you have known to be your foster parents– whom I sent you to after, came to me and explained how you would be a Vorg one minute, a hawk the next and yourself the next. When they became too old to care for you properly just ten years ago, they brought you here, where I made Mr. Cander care for you. You grew up as a servant and to answer the question I see forming, that is what you shall remain until further notice."

I applaud your creativity on names and the paragraph was amazing, but long. LONG LONG LONG! You could have explained in multiple, or shortened it. I loved the background and I felt closer to Evrial, so good job!

A COUPLE PARAGRAPHS LATER:
She took her dismissal and walked slowly back to her room, still in a daze. He had spoken to her so softly it was as if it was all a dream. She almost wished it was a dream. Everything she had known, or at least thought she had known, was a lie. Mr. Cander worked for King Isaac? Was his love and affection part of an act? No…much had changed but that? That she knew was not a lie. He was the one thing in her life right now that she knew was right. She knew she could rely on him.

The detail is great, I felt I was there. The line: Mr. Cander worked for King Isaac? I know you're trying to emphasize a point, like she didn't know. But maybe word it differently so it seems like a question. I liked how you bolded the word 'THAT.' I liked that artistic statement, but try not to overuse it. Keep it scarce and people will take you more seriously.

OVERALL:
Sorry this is probably longer than your book. Please don't think I'm trying to write it for you and you can ignore any comments you deem unhelpful. I really enjoyed this so I hope you don't think I'm just reviewing for the points or something like that. i hope this makes it to the spotlight, good job! I REEEEAAAALLLLYYY hope to see more of your work soon. Again, I hope this wasn't a waste of time.

-Professor Jade




Honora says...


This definitely was not a waste of time! I got a lot of helpful advice and I really appreciate your steady reviews! :D This is the whole reason I am on this site. I am here to improve and you are helping me achieve that! So...thank you again Professor!! (I haven%u2019t read the next part of Abnormals but I will soon. Trust me!)



xJade says...


Take your time! I love your work and I'm happy to review it whenever.



Honora says...


Good! It is really encouraging! :)



xJade says...


4062 was the length of the review, btw. ;)



Honora says...


Well that is 4062 words that helped me! ;)



Honora says...


Well that is 4062 words that helped me! ;)




*cries into coffee*
— LadyLizz