Hey Honora! Happy Review Day! I'm going to drop in to offer my thoughts rambles on your piece today! I hope some of it is helpful.
Also, I have not read anything prior to this! So I apologise in advance if that interferes, in any way, with my review.
His father's green eyes which he had the good luck to inherit, gazed at her a moment too long.
This reads a little oddly? It's also not broken up right, I would have put "which he had the good luck to inherit" into hyphens, or nixed it altogether (because is it significant for any reason? Eye colour isn't incredibly noticeable? I see people all the time who have known each other for ages and still wouldn't be able to tell you each other's eye colours. Eyes aren't that big, and unless they're particularly striking or important eyes, there isn't always a need to describe them?). Also, I think it would read more smoothly if it was "His eyes lingered on her a moment too long" or something similar? This just reads strangely to me.
Dalex smiled at her shyly as he handed her the reigns, "Her name is Isla."
First of all, is Dalex the one she was just talking about? That was watching her? Or are there other characters in the scene?
Also, "Her name is Isla." shouldn't be a continuation of the previous sentence unless it was: Dalex smiled at her shyly as he handed her the reigns and said, "Her name is Isla."
(I'm going to go out on a limb here after reading a few sentences onward and saying that the Prince was watching her too long, and Dalex is not that prince xD sorry about that)
She could tell the mare underneath her was just as excited to get out as she was.
How can she tell? Is Isla trying to pick up a trot? Is she walking briskly? Is she dancing on her feet? If she's just walking at a very sedated pace, how does Evrial know? (This is a telling vs. showing issue, which I trust you've heard of?? I hope??? rip)
"Thank-you, Princess Viera.
Was Princess Viera the one who just gave her the permission to run off? I'm... confused by this whole paragraph that follows? There's no dialogue tags and I don't know the characters well enough to discern who's talking (not that there's distinct differences in their dialogues). It's probably just because I haven't read previous sections, but I still think that you could do well with some clarifying of the situation. Also- she's given permission to run off, but then? Doesn't? Even though she wants to? I... don't follow?
the smile that he knew was for him even though she directed it at the group in general.
How does he know this? This is, again, telling and not showing. Is she looking at him specifically? How is she smiling at the group in general, glancing over them all, but then she glances at him and her gaze lingers, and that's how he knows it's for him?? This sentence alone doesn't really do anything for the scene and doesn't show us what's really going on?
Cowan bowed, "Your Majesties," he gave Evrial a small nod of acknowledgement which he noted, made her smile widen, "where do you wish to ride today?"
This sentence is unnecessarily long and full of commas? This could be split up to read a lot clearer, plus, a few of said commas are in the wrong places anyway ("Cowan bowed," "which he noted,").
As much as he hated the silence and secrecy, giving the guards any indication that something was going on wasn't the wisest idea.
How does he know being silent is the right course of action either? How is being silent automatically "unsuspicious"?
So, Cowan doesn't want to be caught with whatever he and Evrial are doing, but then he throws caution to the wind and gallops off with her?
He almost wanted to warn her about the holes that the rodents created but let it go with a shrug, thinking she wouldn't appreciate his interruption.
If I'm riding and there's holes in the terrain I'm riding in, especially if I'm going fast, I would absolutely want to know?? This seems to say about her character that she'd rather prioritise fun over the safety of her horse??
He was jerked out of his thoughts when the horse ahead of him stumbled and started bucking without mercy.
*eyes the non-existent camera like I'm on the office*
Also, if Isla hurt her leg,, bucking seems like it should not be the go to reaction. because it puts all the strain on their front legs, which I imagine would hurt. I say this with full knowledge we had a horse who had a badly bent front leg that she couldn't truly walk on who would still beat up our big, baby mustangs when they got mean and jumped over a whole fence, so take this as you will haha.
She just wanted to get some of her excess energy out
…I thought it was because she stepped in a hole??
Every thought of secrecy left his mind
Just now? It seemed to have left him a while ago.
His anger rose when only Viera dismounted with him to see if she was alright.
Why does everyone have to get off to swarm her? If Cowan and Viera can't confirm she's all right, then that says more about them than it does about everyone else. Unless the rest of them are doctors, why should they dismount? What is that going to do for her?
Also, I feel like I should also mention- why is he riding a stallion?? Stallions are the Worst to train or even to break, and they're usually pretty unruly? Is there any reason his horse can't be a gelding?
"Kristof, the horse." The guard nodded and obeyed immediately.
What is he obeying? I thought none of them dismounted? I'm not sure what this means?
Also, what did they do with Isla? Is that what Cowan meant by giving Kristof that command, going to get Isla and pony her?
Haha I feel like this was a lot of me talking about horses. Overall, I enjoy how clean your writing style is! I wish there had been more descriptions of locations, like the stables or the fields? In the first section, when they come... out of the stables? I was pretty confused (if that wasn't evidenced by the question back there haha) and not really sure what was going on. Again, it could have been mentioned before, but since it's happening now, it could have done with some better clarification and description of surroundings and/or what was going on.
Anyway., that's all I have for now. If you have any questions or comments, please let me know! Otherwise, keep up the good work!
I hope you're having a nice time!!
Points: 14090
Reviews: 351
Donate